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My Bipolar wife told me to deal with it or divorce

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Posted 4/29/2011 6:29 PM (GMT 0)
My wife of two years now admitted to me last week that she she knew that she was bipolar. I have suspected and have done alot of research on the disorder over the last year and a half. She has every symptom.We have been to see a marriage counsellor over the past few weeks. It helped the first week but by the second week it was business as usual. We have not gone over a week without a fight in the last year. It always starts out over something so small and stupid and quickly turns into a huge snow ball, with me drinking and telling her to leave and me calling her a psycho B_TCH.

I have spent the first year of us being together, tryng to make her happy but it is impossible. She said if i we got a new house she would be fine. Got the house, two weeks later she is in a rage again. If she only had an engagement ring she woud be fine. She got it and a week or two later she is throwing it at me. If she was married she would be fine,we got married three weeks later she's talking divorce. She can be a loving,caring and kind wife and stepmom for afew days and bam!!! out of nowhere she is harsh and hateful and treats me and my 2 kids, 9 and 12, like she hates our guts.

When she is in her manic state she takes on huge projects only to give up on them or have someone else finish when she goes into depressed state. I have even ruined my credit because when we do have money she wants to go shopping and like an idiot i go along with it so she will be happy.When she crashes back down to earth she wants to sleep and have nothing to do with anyone and lets the house go. Then I start cleaning it and she screams at me because according to her I dont do it right. Then she starts on the kids and yells at them and makes them feel worthless. They dont know what bipolar is. It's hard enough for me to deal with let alone my kids.

She also told me she is not going to take a pill for the rest of her life. I can either deal with it or divorce. I have high blood pressure and i have to take a pill for the rest of my life. Someone please give me some advice, I am at the end of my rope.

Posted 4/29/2011 9:01 PM (GMT 0)
Hello again, would she be interested in talking to a really good specialist, a Psychiatrist with or without you present? It has changed my life and made my family life better to see how hard I am to deal with and that opened my spouse's eyes, as well as other family members to see how we can go easily from one extreme to another. And I HATE MEDS, but guess what I want to live and be as normal feeling as possible to I am willing to give them a chance, and I hope she will be too...

Bless you and family
Posted 4/29/2011 9:32 PM (GMT 0)
She saw a specialist 2 days ago and did not like
what she had to say.
Posted 4/29/2011 11:23 PM (GMT 0)
I am a wife to a Bipolar Husband (Currently we are separated) Thank goodness!!
Your wife needs to acknowledge she has a illness which needs treatment.
My husband acknowledges his condition & does take meds & is even in therapy. Still he walked out on me with 4 kids. Took all our money and just left.
It doesn't get any better. Treatments works for a little while then meds have to be changed. My husband treatments has been changed more than 7 times in the last 2 yrs. And he just has gotten worst.
I was last at the end of the rope. I am soooooooooo glad he is gone we have peace again. I feel brandnew without him stressing me.
You need to think was BEST for your kids & for you!! Seriously she is obviously not thinking about you. She should seek a doctor for treatment. Living with a BP person is an emotional rollercoaster and the rollercoaster gets higher & higher and very scary. Put yourself first!! BP is very serious it could destroy relationships. I lost myself taking care of my husband. And at the end he didn't even appreciate me or our children.

Hope all the best for you & your kids.
Posted 4/30/2011 12:55 AM (GMT 0)
 

  First welcome, and second sorry.  Lets cover a few things.

   She needs help, but if she wont get it or even admit she is out of control you have no real choice but to cut your losses and leave. BP does get better with treatment, but each and everyone here has had different results with meds. But in the end, this desease gets worse with time, not better.

  You cant love her better, you cant fix this at all. You need to look out for yourself, and that means if you leave, you stay away despite what she says to try and get you back. Unless she comes to jesus and gets in treatment, then this will only get worse.

  Good luck.

  Bill

Posted 4/30/2011 1:39 AM (GMT 0)
I second what Bill is saying. She must be open to treatment. She clearly needs to be on meds. Have you considered a separation for a while? I'm bipolar II and I'm separated from my wife and 3 kids. We are committed to our marriage. This separation will in fact save our marriage. For you shadow, if you can visualize in your heart a brighter future with your wife being stable and treated, I wouldn't give up quite yet. Proper pharmacological treatment has great potential for your wife. It's a good sign she openly admits she is bipolar. Now she needs to open to treatment. Despite the dire circumstances you face, I do believe there is hope.
All of us on this support group know how devastating biplolar can be on relationships, we understand and are here for you.
Posted 4/30/2011 2:37 AM (GMT 0)
She aknowleges it but won't take any Meds but the remains that if she really loved me she would seek proper treatment. I feel like I am losing my mind. Many people have told me to divorce her including my ex wife and is the mother of my children. She has even threatened to take me back to court because the kids tell her how my current wife yells at them for no reason and that we are always fighting. Thanks everyone for your input especially you mt4.
Posted 4/30/2011 3:34 AM (GMT 0)
You are welcome. We are here for you. I know it's not an easy journey. Protect yourself & your precious children.
Posted 4/30/2011 4:45 AM (GMT 0)
You are absolutely right mt4, kids come first. I have often found myself yelling at them so they would not set her off and it's not fair to them. I have spent so much time trying to make her happy i have often not given them my undivided attention.

The thing is she fell in love with me because she saw how close i was with my kids and how rationall,calm and easy going I was. I feel like I have lost myself. I am not the henpecked type and am very stoic and strong but i feel like I have pushed to my limits. I try to reason with her calmly as I can and I get screamed at or I am told whatever. I do love her but love can only withstand so much.
Posted 4/30/2011 4:06 PM (GMT 0)
I felt the same way. I felt half alive I just didn't realize it until he was gone. So much has been lifted off my shoulder I can't even explain it. I feel I was just giving & giving & not getting anything in return. My family & friends tell me that I am an amazing mom & I was a wonderful loving wife. And I know I did my best with my husband, there are just some things we can't control & are totally out of our hands.

I have been married for 9 yrs (2yrs ago my husband was diagnosed) I started seeing changes when my 3rd baby was born she was born with a huge deformity & required major surgery at 6 months old. It was a very stressful & scary situation for us. Then about 3 weeks after my daughter's surgery I found out I was expecting again. We were told that I had less than 1% chance of having a baby with the same deformity. We did testing while preganant & again we were told our baby was perfect. Well the day came when he was born......I surprise the exact same deformity! He also underwent Major surgery at 6 months old. So it hasn't been an easy journey for us. I know we all handle stress different ways.

I thought that was my husband's problem, being overwhelmed with everything. But it turned out to be BP1 mix, which is the worst BP ever.

I have 4 children my second one has autism. So I have 3 children with disabilities. It is NOT easy, but I am blessed & grateful to be their mommy.

I feel so at peace not to worry about my husband, it's easier to take care of a sick child vs. taking care of a sick Adult.

This is why him leaving has been an eye opener for me. I was putting more energy on him than my children or myself.

My babies need me so much, I need to be healthy & stress free. I am still very young (34yrs old) so I can move on.

Hope the best for you.

Take care.

Post Edited (mt4) : 4/30/2011 12:14:57 PM (GMT-6)

Posted 4/30/2011 6:35 PM (GMT 0)
Thanks for sharing I am uv as I am not alone in this struggle. My biggest obstacle is not ever knowing who I am coming home to. I get a knot in my stomach when I pull in the driveway.
Posted 5/1/2011 2:49 AM (GMT 0)
Oh my goodness, I have always felt that way as well. The tension of not knowing kills me. I have had that same knot in my stomach for years now. To think I was constantly with my husband because I am a stay home mom and he has been retired since his diagnoses.(He retired early because he could no longer work because of the BP).

So being constantly together was a huge challenge!

When I would go out to do girls stuff or go hang out with my friends.. i didn't want to come home..scared of what I was coming home to.

I hated that feeling!
Posted 5/1/2011 7:31 PM (GMT 0)
Are you guys trying to work things out or is it hopeless? I hate give up on her, because when things are good she couldn't be a better wife and stepmom, but when she is in her depressive state it's pure hell.
Posted 5/1/2011 8:48 PM (GMT 0)
Right now we are not even speaking. He hasn't called in 3 days. I feel he just got tired of being a father. I am very upset in how he just walked out on us. I never gave up which makes me feel like an idiot. He is the one that gave up and ranaway from his responsibilties.
I feel eventually if we don't give up they will at the end.

I don't know if he is even taking his meds which it would be very scary if he isn't.

He has already spoken to me of divorce and that he just doesn't love me. But that is very typical of them love u one day, hate u the next. I just feel I deserve so much Better. I am young, a wonderful mother and I must say I am a very attractive woman. So I have confidence on myself. I am just focusing on my children right now that is my #1 priorty. I don't deserve a person who doesn't appreciate me what's so ever.
I am glad he is gone in a way. I have been healing and I feel more like myself something I lost while caring for him.

Post Edited (mt4) : 5/1/2011 3:11:25 PM (GMT-6)

Posted 5/2/2011 3:16 AM (GMT 0)
I so feel for all of you dealing with someone with Bipolar. If she is not willing to take medication and or Psychiatry help then you and your children need to at least separate from her. I to have Bipolar 2 and as one with the disease my family comes first. She needs to put you and the kids at some importance in her life to want to do anything and everything to be the best that she can be.

If she didn't like the one psychiatrist then she needs to keep looking for one that she clicks with. My Psychiatrist is my lifeline.

Good luck to you and your family.
Serenitee
Posted 5/2/2011 4:24 AM (GMT 0)

I am on the other side, trying to hold on to a great guy who I will marry in 5 months.  I try not to explode and keep my mood swings to myself as much as possiable.  I have even lied to him recently, days with no sleep etc. He knows sometimes before I do when a manic state is coming.  ALL I know is that he helps me, silently encourages me and at times he gets mad that he can never make me happy and thinks is his fault that I am so up and down..but I love him unconditionaly, for richer, for poorer etc and cherish the times I am able to help him be happy.  You need to do what is best for you/kids etc without enabeling her.

Posted 5/2/2011 12:20 PM (GMT 0)
She was like you at first MTHatGirl. She tried to control it on her own the first several months we were together. I knew something was up. Things just did not add up.Things didn't really get that ugly till we were married and that is when I started pushing back. I know her so well now that I can see an episode coming on even before she does.
Posted 5/2/2011 6:38 PM (GMT 0)
Omg!! My husband has lost his mind. He is staying at his moms house 5 hours away. Now all of a sudden after walking out on us and saying he didn't love me anymore and wanted a divorce. He wants to move us where he is at. Now he loves me and wants me and the kids to live with him. He wants to buy a place there. I am like " r u Crazy!!" we have a beautiful big house here. He wants to let go of our beautiful home here in the countryside and move to the city. Is he manic or what!!??
We used to live in the city and we moved to the countryside to raise our children here. He said he just feels too depressed here. I understand to a certain point but we built our home from the ground up and have all our friends and life here.
Who understands him. He said he won't live here for nothing he said he rather die.
I am not going to jump just because his head is all over the place!
I love my home and where I live I hate the city life it's too crazy for me.
Anyways just wanted to share.
Posted 5/2/2011 7:05 PM (GMT 0)
(((hugs))) to both of you. :(
Posted 5/3/2011 12:58 PM (GMT 0)
Yes I fell for her because she was so full of life and happy and exciting. My kids fell for her too.
Posted 5/3/2011 10:03 PM (GMT 0)
remember everyone, we can only control our own behavior, not someone else's no matter how close we are to them.
Be giving to others, but we really need to take care of ourselves first.
Posted 5/3/2011 10:44 PM (GMT 0)
I've got 2 things:

First for mt4: my wife told me she felt exactly how you felt (to the tee). The emotional roller coaster, not knowing what I'll say/do next, the peace she and my 3 kids have in our home now that we're temporarily separated (I'm out of our house). She's a stay at home mom too. Even our kids want to be in our home now. She tells me it's hard, but the peace she has in our home is worth it.
I completely realize what I've done, so I'm in recovery here in my apartment. We are 100% committed to our marriage. We and our kids know that I'll be coming home eventually. I tell the kids I'll be moving home "when the time's just right." This gives them security knowing daddy won't abandon them. Our situation is very similar. The difference is I see the horrible scary consequences of me not getting help and I'm not willing to lose my family/home I worked so hard to create.
Now for MThatGirl:
are you on meds/therapy? You're getting married in 5 months. do you plan on having children? Please listen and heed my advice: get help and stability before you get married; even if you have to delay/postpone your wedding until later.
I'm bipolar and it led to a marital separation with a house and 3 small kids! Believe me, getting married will NOT make you better or your future husband happy. You can't make your husband happy. The fact you lied to him is a red flag. I understand, I've lied to my wife several times (I think it's part of the bipolar). Marriage can be stressful. Marriages in which one spouse is bipolar often do not succeed. I want yours to succeed and survive and thrive!
Believe me bipolar gets worse with time and you may end up really harming your relationship. Take time to reflect, talk to your fiance about the marriage, and get help. I'm not saying don't get married, I'm not saying that at all. I think a stable marriage will help you in the long run b/c it will hopefully give you stability. Get treatment BEFORE your wedding.
Please keep us posted, I'm interested in how things go.
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