Please Help Me Understand..

My BP1 husband & I have been separated for 5 weeks now. He is telling me that he is not stable, he is afraid to come back home and then he runs away again. He said he has hurt me too much and That he Does love me but he is not good enough for me. These are his words.

He said he is taking his meds.

Except he told me since yesterday he stopped taking his antipsychotic med because of the side effect.

 How is that going to affect him??

One time he did that I it took him to a very deep..deep..depression where he became mute.

Now how could you love someone & still not want to be with them? What can I say to help him?

He hasn't seen our children in 5weeks!!

He is obviously super depressed. His dr is here where we live, I tell him to come and see his Dr. to adjust his meds. But he won't come.

I don't call him he calls me.. so what should I do to help him with these feeling?

I told him he is a Great good hearted person, but he says he is not like that. And he feels that maybe he was never really like that. That this is who he is. OMG, Please help, I do miss my husband and I want to help. But my hands are tied because he is 5 hours away.

What should I do?? 

Post Edited (mt4) : 5/10/2011 4:27:01 PM (GMT-6)

I am right there with you. My wife can go a week or two without incident and BAM! Any little thing can derail her whether small or big. I got sick of walking on eggshells and that's when the real problems started. She thiks she can say,do and act anyway she wants without consequences. Noone else is alolwed to have a bad day in our family but her.

And like you I have started taking meds to be able to cope.

ebonyknight said...
I wish, I had some advice for you, but I don't. I know that a few times when I was on travel (work related) and my wife started acting manic, I asked her if she was taking her meds. She said yes, but her actions and attitude said no.

Despite his protests to the contrary, it doesn't seem like he's taking his meds. My wife is a little like this. She wants to run from all her problems. When we have bad fights, she eventually starts talking about moving out for "time" and such. I think she finally got the message when I told her if she leaves, I'm done...there is no time apart to think about things. My rational being, if she did it once there would be precedence for doing it again. It's a trust issue. If there isn't trust, what's the point?!?

You can't 'make' him do anything to change, and you already know it's not you, it's his bipolar. Some times (this is true of alcoholics) people need to hit bottom before they understand. Unfortunately, short of being someone's parent or guardian, you can't stop someone from hitting bottom if they are intent upon it. My wife also has those moods where she's grateful for my patience and then asks me or tells me that she's a bad person. What do you say to that, when you've told them it's not true, and they don't believe you.

There's only so much you can do. I know on my end, it started making me depressed so I went to the doctor to get on some meds myself and started going to a counselor. Not so much to talk about my floundering relationship as to talk about me and my own feelings and issues.

mt4 - it sounds like his meds aren't right. If he's actively in treatment, getting help then wait. A lot of the language sounds like it is a product of his mood(s). Maybe just a thank you - for letting us live without drama for a while + I love you, is all that is needed? Maybe meet up with the kids for an hour or two? Short enough he feels safe, long enough your kids see him?

Thank you so much for all your response. I know he is not taking his meds the right way, because I hear it in his voice. We haven't seen each other & he hasn't seen the kids because he is 5 hours away.

I went to my Dr. last week I started on antidepressant, and next week I go see a therapist just for me. To see how I am able to sort out my feelings, and start moving forward. I feel like a rag doll that he just holds on to. Throws me on the floor Then shakes me around and then holds me. I am all over the place thats how I feel.

One day he loves me and the next day he needs to stay apart.

The new things is he said to me today" I am the worst husband ever, I don't appreciate you, I am the worst man in the world".

Yesterday he told me he wasn't stable...today he says "I am very stable & feel Fantastic". He is on his High now, so I just  imagine how he is behaving. He wants to trade in his truck for a car. Ahhhh....

I bought a journal today to start writing my feeling and thoughts, I need to heal.

 I know that is exactly what he needs to hit rock bottom to start taking responsibility for his illness.

I feel he just ran not only from being a husband but also a father. He just wants to be a apart time father for now.

Why is it that we spouses of BP people end up supporting our BP spouse so much and they step all over us. I was thinking "Is it that we love them with pitty because of the illness"?? I mean I really dont get it, why do we stick around?

I know you can't just stop loving someone one day to the other. But I have noticed all through the internet That spouses of BP people stay around for all the abuse.

Just a thought, I know it sucks they have this illness but MY GOD How much more can we take???

Thanks Gem, I was thinking about that as well to stop communication for a few days to disconnect from him for now. It's just sooooo hard, my heart beats so hard and fast when I see him calling. Sometimes I am strong and don't answer and when that happens he calls constantly one call after the other. Like he is trying to control me.

I took two calls from him today, He is the ones that always calls.. I promise that I am not taking his call tomorrow. I promise here so that way I will keep my word.

So let's see how that goes. I really need to disconnect from him. I mean he is the one that left us and doesn't want to live here so why the H*LL he calls us all the time? I feel that since he has been gone and I am not suffering any anxiety because The kids & I have sooooo much peace at home without him.

But come on if he doesn't want to be with us he should just leave us alone. I am so drained of worrying about him , if he is taking his meds, and what he is doing where he is at. He has never been unfaithful we have always respected our marriage. In fact we had a great marriage until Bipolar decided to invade our lives.

Thanks for allowing me to vent.

I know he will never be the great guy I married, so that is why I am going to see a therapist to see how I just can move on and disconnect from him & the Bipolar.

Ebonyknight, Funny you said that, because the other day I opened the box I have with all our wedding stuff. Came across Our whole cermony with our vows: My husband stated in his own written vows to me that "He loves how I keep him grounded" so definitely what you mentioned is true.

At that time of course he was fine his condition surfaced when our two younger ones had major surgery due to a deformity they were born with. Thats when BP invaded our lives.

Next week I am also going to see a therapist just for my self. My husband's issue is not the only thing I have faced in my life. I have 3 children with disabilities so that is a difficult journey. And now I am raising 4 children on my own. So it's time I think of me and start healing. I have been the strongtower or the glue that kept this family together but I am not made of iron , I am human and it's so much I can do. I rather give all my energy and attention to my precious children which appreciate it, instead of a selfish selfcentered grown man that can't stand up to the plate and take charge of his illness.

Post Edited (mt4) : 5/12/2011 12:51:36 PM (GMT-6)

Cant... I hear you loud and clear I also suffered panic attacks the funny thing is that it all went away when he left. Amazing he was my anxiety, I couldn't even drive. Now i drive all over town even by myself! And that's a big deal for me, since my panic attacks were in the car.
I feel so at peace without him . I hate to say it but its the truth. Definietly they do become selfish & selfcentered. I do love my husband too, but I really didn't realize what I was dealing with until he left. He has been gone for 7 weeks now. Stay strong!

Thank you everyone for sharing your stories. I have been married for 3 months....3 wonderful blissful months. That is until a few days ago. My husband was the most loyal and caring man i had ever met. He came into our marriage with a son with his ex wife. He had been married 3 times before, and other than a teenage indescresion had no prior criminal history. I met him and fell in love so quickly. The only arguments we ever had was because of his exwife. When we met he cut her off completely. He did not take her calls or texts. We eventually changed cell companies and he had not contact what so ever with her or his son. Last month, we and i decided it was too long that he had been without his son in his life...so he contacted her and we started having visitation with his son. Long story short, she controlled our lives. He felt he had to apease her in order to see his son. Now he and i seemed to be fighing over the time he spent over there. He also started worrying about not making enough money to pay for child support. The reason i know all of this is because his best friend told me. My husband did not tell me all of the worries he had on his shoulders. Then a few days ago we got into a fight. The 2nd fight in our 3 month marriage. Afterwards, he left and came home at 2 am. I decided i would talk to him in the morning...well he completely shut me out. He left for work without the usual kiss and i didnt hear from him until we came home from work. Then he drops the bomb. He tells me he needs to talk. He reveals to me that he is Bipolar and that i have been making things very difficult for him these last 2 wks. He told me he needed "time" and that he was going to be moving out. I was in shock. I pleaded and cried and tried to understand what was happening. After he left, i went online and started reading about this disorder. Everything i read accurately described my husband. The depression he spoke of, the anti-social behavior....i was reeling from all this. I called hotlines to try to understand. I spent the whole night trying to find out everything i could. Then the following day, he said he wanted to talk. I thought..this is good...then he dropped the 2nd bomb on me...he asked for a divorce. He told me he did not know if he loved me, and that all i was doing was irritating him. I fought for my marriage. I tried to explain to him that you work thru the bad times to get to the good times...but he was not having it. He told me he didnt want to be married anymore. He told me all that mattered to him was his son, and that was his priority. I then experienced my first anxiety attack. After waking up on the floor, hearing his fearful voice call my name...i got up as the paramedics got there. After they checked me out and left...he spoke to me. Not in the "i hate you voice" but in the voice i was used to. He still wanted out...i asked him to get back on his meds and get better. Then if he wanted out i would give it to him. I dont know what to do. This has only been a few days, and i am so lost. This hurt is almost unbearable. I want to be angry that he did not reveal this to me before we got married...but i cant hate or be angry. All i feel is pain...and loss....he said he does not know if he loves me. Ive been reading everyones posts..and most of the spouses with BP seem to want to save the marriage...what do you do when he is depressed and says he doesnt know if he loves you? Please help...............I dont know where else to turn......

Tommy, Thank you so much for your reply. I feel that YES we will end up in divorce & to be completely honest with you I am OK with it. You are right about the abuse. He has been very selfish & My babies & myself derserve so much better. I was an Excellent wife I have no regrets of that. I have told him about divorce He says he is not hearing it because we are not getting divorce but the other day he mentioned it. So it seems we will be heading in that direction.
To be honest right now at this minute I don't feel anything for him. I hate to say it but it's the truth. I feel empty towards him.I loved him very much but he has disappointed me greatly.
I know he is not taking his meds like he should, but I am not his mother and I can't spend the rest of my life babying him. I am done. He has hurts us greatly and I don't know if I could ever forgive him for that.
I started seeing a therapist. My second visit is next week, I felt so much better after my first visit. I am young and I am a very attractive woman he should of appreciated what he had, so I feel I am able to move forward with my life without worrying about him as much as I used to. Thank you your reply it really encourages me to keep on thinking the way that I want this to end. I do want to good exit on the marriage so hopefully he is onboard as well.

Thank you for replying back Living Well.  I finally ate a little and feel a little bit of an appetite...This forum and my friends have been incredible in their support.  So i thank them and you all.  I have spoken a little to my husband....and he said he is going for treatment this week.  I want to keep in touch with him and want to txt him several times a day...but i also dont want to "annoy" him.  I need some advice.  Should i give him "space" until he gets his meds and treatment?  I am afraid if i dont keep in touch, he will find it so easy to not feel for me anymore.  I give mt4 so much credit.  She is one STRONG lady.  I hope to find this strength within myself.  I have a few questions....When he said he was moving out, me mentioned something i said "triggered" his BP.  Is this something that happens?  Can one argument trigger this and *poof* he is no longer my husband?  Im trying to take it one day at a time.....
 

Ang77... I am soooo sorry you are going through all this. I do feel your pain, because at one point I was there as well. Your husband has a serious condition that not only affects him but everyone around him. He needs to take control and seek medical attention. It is NOT an easy journey to care for someone with BP. They have their ups and downs and it's not easy for us that don't suffer this awful illness. BP spouses do blame us for their emotions and actions instead of blaming the illness. Many times my husband said I was his depression and problem when in reality I wasn't. I was the person that tried to help him the most. They become selfish and at the end they will only put themselves first.
That is the reality. I tried to reason with my husband, I attend his therapy appts with him. It's like talking to a brick wall he wouldn't process anything. My husband would not even hear what I would actually tell him. He would hear what he thought he was hearing.
You have only been married for 3 months and already you are being abused. I hate to tell you but that's what it is. Don't get me wrong BP people are not to blame for having this illness. Is just that , that's how it turns out to be, they will end up abusing verbally & emotionally.
I know this was very shocking for you since you had no idea. I have been married 9 yrs & only the last 3 yrs (since my husband was diagnosed) as been a living hell.
You calling him & texting him everyday might push him further away. They get very easily irritated and he will run from you. Maybe once in a while just checkup on him. It's ok to let him know that you care about him, but don't expect him to reply the same way. In my case I don't call him at all. He does call often to see how the kids are but that's it. I don't talk to him about our relationship at all.
You learning about the illness will give you insite that you need to have to either support your husband or to also come to terms why he has this behavior. There is NOTHING you can do to fix him. He has to take those steps. This is NOT your fault please know that. And either is his, but that doesn't mean you are going to sit there and take his abuse for only at the end he walks out of your life. You need to start putting yourself first because he will not do it. It is what it is. And what you are seeing today most liking be the rest of your life with him. I hate to say it to you but I have to be honest.

If you continue your marriage You need to be strong because you are the one that will need to put in the extra effort that he is not able to put in. I hope nothing but the best for you. Keep us posted. We are here to help & support you.

It doesn't get easier--that's all I needed to hear. I think I was naively hoping it would. Not that he'd ever overcome it, just that when he's in his lows he'd eventually allow me to be there for him. But it's been a year now and he still goes "off the grid" when he's like this. I've had enough of it and really do need someone who can be here for me when I need support. Which is pretty often with this disease.

So sorry to hear about your children's disabilities. Sounds like you've had a rough hand dealt. BUt like I said, also sounds like you're heading in the right direction with a good attitude too. :)

I'll keep ya updated. He gets back into town next week and I'm sure we'll be talking then. I'm dreading it because I know deep down I'm ready to end it and I think he knows what's coming with my own silence lately. Haven't been contacting him, just trying to untangle exactly how I feel and what I want. Thanks for sharing your story and helping me figure out my own!

cantdonuthinrite said...
Wow..reading all of these are so familiar. I feel like I cannot do anything right. I am constantly tryng to be the wife that I think he wants. My husband has become so cold hearted and selfish. His mind is constantly changing. As of now he says he does not need his meds. And feels so much better without them. How can he feel good with all these up and down feelings he has. I feel like he is no longer in love with me. I am on meds myself for panick attacks due to all of this. I posted a thread yesterday with more of my story. This is killing me inside, I love him with all my heart, and I just feel like he does anything and everything he can that he knows will hurt me.

It's part of the disease, denial. Emotions take over the rational mind. If you have them actually think about it and verbalize whether they are happier or not, they will most likely tell you no (assuming they aren't cycling at the time). Emotion takes over. They do what they want, when they want and how much they want.

Learning that can help with dealing with it.