Please Help Me Understand..

ang77 said...
After he left, i went online and started reading about this disorder. Everything i read accurately described my husband. The depression he spoke of, the anti-social behavior....i was reeling from all this. I called hotlines to try to understand. I spent the whole night trying to find out everything i could. Then the following day, he said he wanted to talk. I thought..this is good...then he dropped the 2nd bomb on me...he asked for a divorce. He told me he did not know if he loved me, and that all i was doing was irritating him. I fought for my marriage. I tried to explain to him that you work thru the bad times to get to the good times...but he was not having it. He told me he didnt want to be married anymore. He told me all that mattered to him was his son, and that was his priority. I then experienced my first anxiety attack. After waking up on the floor, hearing his fearful voice call my name...i got up as the paramedics got there. After they checked me out and left...he spoke to me. Not in the "i hate you voice" but in the voice i was used to. He still wanted out...i asked him to get back on his meds and get better. Then if he wanted out i would give it to him. I dont know what to do. This has only been a few days, and i am so lost. This hurt is almost unbearable. I want to be angry that he did not reveal this to me before we got married...but i cant hate or be angry. All i feel is pain...and loss....he said he does not know if he loves me. Ive been reading everyones posts..and most of the spouses with BP seem to want to save the marriage...what do you do when he is depressed and says he doesnt know if he loves you? Please help...............I dont know where else to turn......

I wouldn't say that "most" of the spouses with BP want to save the marriage. It depends on the person and the seriousness of their BP. Some easily realize they need help, others need to crash and burn first. Yes it's a disease with symptoms, but these are still people with their individual states and mind.

Where you need to turn now is to counseling. Not for the both of you, but just for you. You need to take care of yourself. If he doesn't want to get help, you can't make him.

cantdonuthinrite said...
Some of yalls husbands or wives with the disorder seem to say they are worthless, no good, etc. my husband NEVER appologizes for the things he says or does, he never says hes worthless and such things like that, he NEVER talks to me about it. it drives me absolutely insane because i am a talker, i like communication, and at one point in our marriage we had that. I just dont know how someone can be so cruel (mentally) to the person that they are suppose to be in love with. I am the one that feels worthless, and unattractive. he used to hold my hand when we went places, open doors for me, now it seems like it is all about him..him..him..Dont get me wrong, he works hard and provides for us, however what he wants he is gonna get, no questions asked. i am not a wife that expects diamonds and pearls, but darn, cant he at least tell me i look nice, or that dinner was good? Just sitting here typing this and thinking about it all i am starting to have a panick attack, I love this man so much and it just seems like he is doing everything he can to hurt me, just to see how much i can take. I dont get it. Can someone with this disorder please explain to me why he would wanna be so emotionally abusive.

I feel you Can't. For a while there, I was literally believing that everything she was doing was on purpose. When I would confront her she would ALWAYS say "I didn't think about it". I mean, how could ANYONE be so stupid, thoughtless and selfish. But you, yourself said that he didn't use to be that way. But that is the way it is, during these episodes, they run on pure emotion and little reason. They do what they want, when they want, regardless of the consequences. It's just how they are wired at the time.

My wife, didn't use to be that way, but now that she is medicated, she's getting better. Will it go back to the way it used to be? Probably not, because BP only gets worse as you get older. Just this past weekend we were at her families house. I wanted to check something on her phone and picked it up. I asked her for the code. She said (loud enough for the family to hear) that she didn't want to give me the code. I was exasperated. I tossed the phone back to her. Her brother told her to give me the code (although she doesn't acknowledge him saying it). Yet, she's mad at ME! Says I made her look bad in front of her family, never mind the fact that she just demonstrated to her family that she doesn't trust me. Pure emotion, little reason.

There's no cure for BP only treatment. My wife never believed anything I said, unless it came from a third party. And even then, when it didn't go her way, she would discount them as well. That's where therapy comes in. When someone who doesn't know you and has no vested interest in you tells you these things, it can open your eyes.

Post Edited (ebonyknight) : 5/23/2011 10:14:03 AM (GMT-6)

I can relate to you both Cant... & Ebony.. It's is hard for us to understand since BP is not in our brain. Just a little while ago my husband phoned. He wants to come back to our home. But not to the marriage.. WHo Gets that?? Is he for real does he expect for me to live with him after he walked out of our lives 7 weeks ago & didn't look back. It took him 7 weeks to figure it out?! I told him he needs to rent a motel and eventually get an apt. I can't live with him, plus it's not like he wants to be married to me. He said he loves me and he shouldn't have walked out that supposely it was the BP. I am not stupid I know it was the BP. But he still is BP and he will do it again. And I am not up for that. Even though this is the very first time he did something like this. I am not putting up with it. One time is too many for me.

He says he misses the kids, but it took him 7 weeks to realize that??!! I am sooooooo tired of all this BP..Bla..bla..blaa

They will never change even with treatment it is only temporary and then we are back to square one.
I just can't take it anymore, no matter how much i love him.

My husband's meds have been chaged about 6 times and he goes to therapy and Nothing. He has gotten worse if anything. BP controls them no matter what treatment they are in. It might help for a little while and then it's all crazy again. I myself have always been a caregiver. My grandfather also had alzheimers and past 6 yrs ago. I cared for him as well. My first husband suffered a motorcycle accident when we were married and I had to care for him he lost part of his foot. Poor guy.
And I left my first husband for my current husband. I think this is my payback to deal with the BP issues since I broke my first husband's heart. So now I am caring for my children and that's my first priorty right now. My husband is NO longer my concern. He is a Grown 42 yrs old man and he needs to get his act togther. Enough is enough!!

I married a man to love and he should be caring for me it's a two way street, but with people with BP it's a one way street and I am ready to do a U-Turn on that one way street. I am So tired of doing all the caring and getting NOTHING in return. It's time for someone to take care of me and look out for what's best for me.
I have been in touch with my ex lately and OMG!! it's so nice to talk to a normal man for once. I forgot what that is like. We are in touch because we do have a son together. But he has become a good friend and My goodness it is nice to hear someone tell you things that make sense.
My husband has no idea I am touch with him again. He knows he has been calling our son, but he doesn't know I have been talking about of situation. My ex is not disrespectful, he does advise me not to give up on my husband. he never remarried but he has a girlfriend. So it's strictly just friends and someone to talk to. He says he will be there for me whatever the outcome is. And it's so nice to hear words like that.
My husband became very cold and unaffection which Sucks, because I am young 34yrs old and I miss that.

Do things for you and only you! put yourself first! Hope all the best. :)

ang77... You made me cry by saying I inspire you. I will hold your right hand through this. You will have your days were you are down and it's ok because you are human. I myself still have those days.
if it means that I have gone through this journey to help people then it's OK all the heartbreak because at the end I am helping people like me & you.

You will get through this I promise you. What gives me peace is that BP did this to me not the man I fell in love with. And it's OK because at the end I will be stronger and more determine to value my life as well as myself. One thing that has helped me is to keep a journal and also write your husband a letter write on that letter every single emotion & thought that you have in regarding to his behavior and how you feel about it and of course don't ever give him the letter. It's just for you. That way you are able to vent more deeply.

We are here for each other and it is so good to actually communicate with people that truly and deeply understand you. You are a lot stronger than you think. You will amaze yourself, because I sure did. I thought at first I couldn't care for 4 children on my own, put guess what I can and it's a piece of cake. So you WILL endure this!
I am here for you 100%. This is the best way to heal to actually help each other out through one of the darkest times in our lives. Take Care of YOU!!

Good for you telling him to get a hotel/eventually an apt, mt4. You saying "It's like every time he goes to the bathroom he changes his mind." made me laugh out loud pretty hard. I think my bf and I have literally had conversations where that's happened repeatedly.

ang77, mt4:
Are you mentally preparing yourselves for the possibility he will turn around and apologize/desperately try to win you back? That's the cycle me and my bf go in--we've broken up soooo many times and I can usually be strong and end things, it's just when he comes running back a few weeks later that my resolve weakens. I think I subconsciously know that if I give in the next few weeks will be total bliss of him showering attention & love on me to make up for the $hit weeks before. It's a maddening cycle.

I hadn't seen my bf for a few weeks but he finally took me out to dinner last night. I think he can sense I'm about to end things again--haven't been contacting him at all and when he contacts me I keep my responses short and sweet. He was kinda [perhaps subconsciously] trying to emotionally manipulate last night bringing up how his dad has been asking about me and my battle with lyme disease/that he's worried about me. I think it was more of a reminder of "my family really cares about you and you've become part of the family" to lure me out of my acting so distant.

He flies out to San Diego next week for more negations on the potential job move. After that becomes more clear I plan on breaking things off. I just want him to get all his career stuff settled/decided before dropping an emotional bomb on him.

Hi aqua,

I am preparing myself for that situation.  I have read so many posts from spouses that are going thru that maddening cycle.  I am finally feeling like myself again.  I am a little angry at this point though.  you see he married me not telling me he as BP.  He let me love him with all my heart..KNOWING.. that one day this was going to happen if he stopped taking care of himself.  I do not want to go thru my life with the ups and downs that will happen.  I do not want to have to pick up the pieces each and every time he things he is well and goes off his meds.  That is not the life i want to live.  I have decided that i am going to take care of ME and only me.  I do not have children with him and i know there is a possibility of his children being born with this illness...that is something i know now that i do not want.  This was a blessing in disguise.  Him leaving me was the best thing that could of ever happened.  I do not have children with him..and we were only married 3 months before this happened.  I keep coming to this forum because i believe it gives me the strenght and resolve to move on.  I have no ties or connections to him.  And that is for the best.  I will continue on my journey of healing and will find happiness again.  Thank you Aqua for sharing your story.  It helps me keep my resolve..so that i can keep myself from weakening and giving in.  I know this sounds harsh but i have to do this for me.  He has not called me or shown any inkling of concern as to how this has affected me.  So i know i am in this alone..as far as he is concerned.  But i am not alone..i have God and my friends and my wonderful support system.  I hope one day you are able to find happiness because you DESERVE it.  Take care.

A

cantdonuthinrite said...
I write in a journal everyday and leave it out in the open, hoping maybe he will read it and see what he is doing to me, doing to us!

This is sweet and sad.  I keep a blog.  If I am really messed up he will check in and see what is going on.  <3

You go girl! I am completely proud of you. It's his responsibility to take care of his problem. I as you know haven't seen my husband in 7 weeks I hope i feel like you did. He will be in town June 1st don't know if I would see him then. But for sure I have to see him June 2 because we have a meeting with his attorney for his social security benefits. And then we have a actual hearing June 7th. I have to be there because I am is only witness for his illness. And it does benefit me in a way because if he wins the case my children get his children benefits through his SS. So that's the reason why I have to see him and I know he would want to see the kids. I told him we could arrange for him to see the kids at a park or a public place. I don't want him coming to our home right now.

Let's see how everything goes. I will keep u updated. :)