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Being BP and feeling out of control

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Bipolar Disorder
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Posted 5/26/2011 5:00 AM (GMT 0)
I was diagnosed by an ER Dr with being Bi-polar around the age of 18 when I lived on my own and I am now 23. At first I didn't understand what was going on. I felt out of control with my emotions, couldn't keep up with them, my depression felt out of control and the list went on. For the longest time. Anyway, though I have always refused to be medicated I have found my own ways with coping with it and have gotten a lot better about it. However, I find myself finding it hard to maintain relationships for very long because my emotions cloud my better sense of judgment and I tend to lash out to my partner to the point where I just don't want to deal with them anymore and tell them to go away. Fortunately, I have found someone who I feel very much is my other half. We have NEVER fought, though sometimes we do get a little fussy with each other. We have never discussed me being bi-polar because I'm afraid of how he'll look at me. From past experiences, if you tell someone that you are BP they treat you like your crazy, can't be trusted, or are dishonest which is completely opposite of me. It feels as though being BP has become a 'dirty' word in today's society so how do I even begin to explain to someone when I start crying and don't know why, or why I'm suddenly bouncing off the wall with energy why I am this way? I really don't want to be on medication because I want to be able to express myself and feelings clearly even though most of the time I don't understand them or know how to. Sometimes I get bad mood swings and can't tell when one is even beginning or when its ending. It's been a definite battle for sure, so I was wondering how everyone else deals with it? Any tips or even useful methods have anyone else found out works for them when they hit a mood, or just a feeling that makes you want to isolate yourself or make it hard to be around someone? I have been doing so much research and still I don't understand a lot of it, but I'd love to be able to communicate with others who are experiencing what I am.
Posted 5/26/2011 6:06 AM (GMT 0)

mad  I am 29 years old and Bi-polar. I cannot control anything I do once I get into the vicious anger cycle.  Im currently on: klonopin, wellbutrin,Abilify and zoloft. I still have the Mania. Mostlty lows. My realationships suffer because of this. Ive seen 5 psychiatrists in the past 7 years. Nothing has really helped me. I dont know what to do anymore. I feel like Im losing my mind completley. Is Lithium better than Abilify?

   Christina

Posted 5/26/2011 7:10 AM (GMT 0)
Sometimes the Mania is what gets me in trouble because it feels like I'm full of so much energy that I could just explode. I just can't control myself and my bf thinks that I'm just hyper active when it kicks in and sometimes frustrates him, since it kicks in usually when he is trying to take a nap or something lol. I can control my anger better than I use to be, but when I do get upset its hard because the first thing I want to do is strike something physically. As I said before, I'm not as bad as I use to be, but I am getting a lot better. I try to do a lot of different exercises that calms me down. Talking to me usually only works half the time and when it does I just cry and cry. When it doesn't, the best thing that can be done is I have to leave the room and isolate myself where no one can find me so that I don't lash out and hurt them emotionally or otherwise. Music does help a lot especially with the depression. Medicine wise I can't help you there, I refuse to allow anyone to medicate me so yea. I do know from other disorders where Lithium is prescribed that I would say NEVER use it. It will turn you in to a zombie, and makes you feel barely human. I think you just have to find what works for you though.
Posted 5/27/2011 12:01 AM (GMT 0)
Lynn, I think it is brilliant the amount of skills you have developed to help manage this illness and that you are still open to learning more. Dialectic behaviour Therapy when applied in the right way for us, is very good with helping us managing our emotions and prevent relapses. There are 4 components to DBT which very much interrelate with each other: Mindfulness, Emotion Regulation, Distress Tolerance and Interpersonal Effectiveness. From your post it seems like you incorporate a lot of that stuff anyway and you would probably find it really suits you! Another therapy is Acceptance Commitment Therapy, which is based on the premises a) that if you accept suffering, the suffering reduces or at least doesn't intensify - kinda like lying flat in quicksand and b) that you keep working towards what you value in life despite pain and suffering. DBT is probably more focussed on us helping us manage our problem behaviours, even though both modalities would do that - they just get their via different (albeit sometimes eerily similar) routes. So to answer your question, yes there are further things you can do to help you manage the behavioural aspect of your illness. Also seeing a psychiatrist/therapist weekly (who respects your decision to not take meds) to help you learn those social nuances that are obvious to others, but tend to evade us BP's, might help you maintain intimate relationships, which you have already identified is a priority for you.

Post Edited (living well) : 5/26/2011 6:07:34 PM (GMT-6)

Posted 5/27/2011 1:40 AM (GMT 0)
Lynnstarhawk...

It sounds like you really have a grip on your feelings of being Bipolar. I do have a question for you in regards to being diagnosed by an ER doctor. Had this doctor been following you for a period of time before diagnosing you? I've been seeing my Psych doctor for almost 9-months weekly and it was just recently that I was diagnosed with Bipolar 2 and Borderline. I feel now that I am a work in progress finally having a name for my illness. Do you see a Therapist or Psychiatrist?

I couldn't have made it thru if it wasn't for my Psychiatrist and inpatient/outpatient treatment programs.

I do agree with you that people do think your crazy if you say your any type of mental health illness. I have been blessed that my husband is by my side thru this journey that I'm on now that there is a name for it. Last year I was in an manic episode which almost destroyed my entire family...husband of 22-years and 7-children.

My thought and prayers are with you.
Your Healingwell Friend
Serenitee
Posted 5/27/2011 2:10 AM (GMT 0)
lynnstarhawk:

I understand it can be intimidating to discuss bipolar in our intimate relationships, but I'll give you this gentle advice You are so young. Do you want to get married & have children someday? Maybe you've never thought about that yet (most people your age haven't). But, I can say from experience, life usually becomes more demanding and stressful as we get older with more responsibilities (marriage, kids, career, house, etc). It does concern me you haven't discussed your bipolar with your significant other. If you stay together long enough, they will find out just by your behavior. It would be so much better to discuss it together early on. Don't wait until later (especially if marriage enters the picture). Please don't get married without your spouse knowing your struggles. It will save your marriage so much heartache and suffering.
But, if you're honest with yourself and others, I promise bipolar can enrich your relationships b/c you won't take things for granted and have a greater capacity to feel and give love.
Best wishes
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