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My BP Husband wants to come back...

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Posted 5/25/2011 3:19 PM (GMT 0)
OK, Here is my Husband's new story. Yesterday he asked me if he got all the help he needed and got better if I would give him a chance and for us to save our marriage. Most of you know my story well. He walked out about 7 weeks ago and Left me and our 4 children. He has been living at his mom's 5 hours away from us.

It took him 7 weeks to realize what he had?! At first it was because he said he didn't want to be married and that he didn't love me. Then his story was that he does love me but he doesn't want to live in the countryside he wanted to move back to the city. Now his story is he wants to live here again, but if I don't take him back he will rent an apartment close to our home. I feel he is just chasing clouds. He doesn't really know what he wants.

I told him even though I love him very much I need to protect my heart at this time. I told him it's not fair for me that I remain with someone that loves me one day and then the other day he doesn't. He told me I was right and that he knows his illness has caused me a lot of stress and heartache and that he was sorry that he had this awful illness. I told him he didn't have to apologize because it's not his fault. And that I wished he never had it. But I need time to heal for me right now.

I feel maybe if he decides to live here & rent an apartment, that we should seek therapy together because what ever the outcome is I feel if we end our marriage I want a Healthy Exit.

Do you all think I said the right things?

I dont want to be selfish , but I want things to be done right. And what he did, even though it was the very first time, it hurt me to my core.

Thank you for all your support.

Posted 5/25/2011 3:59 PM (GMT 0)
Hi MT4

Well i dont know if i can give the best advice..but ive been reading all your posts..and your struggle.  I remember you saying how you realized your anxiety went away as soon as he did.  So i wonder?  How are you feeling now that he is thinking about coming back into your life?  Is the anxiety back as well?  I ask this..because you are in a good place.  You are emotionally back where you need to be..for YOU and your children.  For 3 years it was and up and down battle with him.  I think you are right.  He doesnt know what he wants.  He is chasing clouds.  At least that is what i feel.  I also think he sees you are stronger than when he left you..and maybe he is trying to have some of that strength rub off on him.  I wouldnt let him throw your world upside down AGAIN.  It took you some time to get back to where you were...dont take a step back.  You know its start..and you have been down that road.  I will pray for you my friend.  I will pray that God comes into your heart and helps you decide what is best for you.  I can only share my advice and lend my opinion..in the end it is up to you.  I have re-read what you have posted these last few weeks, and it has given me so much strength.  I saw my husband yesterday..and he was not the man i married.  Whats the expression? without "rose colored glasses"  I saw the life i would have with him.  With his mood swings, him blaming me for all his problems, changing jobs every few months, having grandios ideas that he will never finish.  And for what?  For him to leave me again in a few months?  You mentioned this was the FIRST time..key word..first, and that that was enough for you.  Well i couldnt agree more.  One time was one time to many for me!  You are in a better place!  It doesnt seem like he is there yet.  It seems he is just looking to run again...Stay strong for you and your kiddos.  They need your time and attention.  He is a grown man that needs to take accountability and "manage" his own problems..and not drag you down with him.  I know it seems harsh..i remember you saying that when offering your advice...but like you said..it needs to be said.  I hope i am able to support you like you supported me.  Everything you went through i am going through too..i feel like our lives our mirroring themselves!  Let me know when ever you need to talk or just vent.  if you need someone to talk to let me know..i will email you my number...

you have alot of people here that care and support you!!!

Posted 5/25/2011 7:27 PM (GMT 0)
Thank you so much Ang77, You have so much strength now. It's amazing to see ourselves in this special place for once where we have control instead of the BP, isn't it? We both have come a long way. Definitely I feel he is Toxic to me and the kids right now. I did tell him yesterday that everything he was saying were just words to me. They don't mean anything, he needs to prove with actions.

I was feeling blue this morning, waking up in an empty bed. But now this afternoon I feel lots better, I still have moments as I m sure you also have your moments. But when I start re-living in my mind everything I have gone through in 3 yrs with him, I get tough again.

My heart does goes out to you because your husband NEVER told you about his BP. I couldn't even imagine that. My husband didn't have any signs of BP at all the first 7 yrs of our marriage and prior to that I knew him for 1 yr before dating him. And Never, never did he show anything. I feel that maybe BP was just sleeping in him and when we were faced with out little ones major surgeries it's when it all came out in one shot.

My husband also sufferes PTS as well he is a veteran and he served in 2 wars. But even with all that before BP he was the perfect Husband , father, friend and human being. I couldn't ask for a better husband. But OMG!! this BP, which I personally describe as a Monster in him just robbed me from the man I so dearly love.

I know he will never be that person again and that's another reason why I don't want for him to come back home. I am very strong even if I am a mess I don't show it to him. And your right he knows that I am even stronger now and he knows I would always take care of all his issues. I take care of the kids, the home, our pets, the bills. I do EVERYTHING. And him knowing that he would have to do everything himself when he lives alone I know that scares him to death.

But you reap what you sow. And he should of thought twice before doing what he did. Now he is going to have to figure it out himself. I will continue to seek my therapy and heal myself. And like I said I do want a healthy exit. And maybe I would seek therapy together with him. Because even though he has said the things that he has said. I am not sure if he is ready to deal with a divorce. I want you to know that you inspire me as well. When you were down I lifted you up and I want you to know you are doing the same to me. I appreciate your reply. Thank you.
Posted 5/25/2011 7:31 PM (GMT 0)
I think you are making good choices - living separately, but closely. Individual therapy, couples therapy. Try your best, but having a safety net/exit plan.
Posted 5/25/2011 9:42 PM (GMT 0)
I think you managed a difficult situation admirably!
Posted 5/29/2011 2:49 PM (GMT 0)
OMG!! June 1st is just around the corner that's the day my husband is coming back to town. He is going to be staying in a hotel. I and the children haven't seen him in 8 weeks, just getting a little nervous. Don't know how I will feel or react when I see him.
Any suggestions on how to treat him? I don't think he has been taking his meds like he should. So don't know how he will act. We are planning to meet in public places so he could see the kids.

I really don't want to talk about US what so ever. What should I do if he brings it up?
I don't what to make him upset in any way because don't know what he would do. Sometimes I just don't know what goes through his head. Many times he has told me that he should be locked up because of the things that he thinks. So I am a little scared about the whole situation.

Any advise would be appreciated.

Thank you all my HW friends, you all have been an amazing support!
Posted 5/29/2011 5:45 PM (GMT 0)
You are not being selfish protecting your heart and wanting what is right for your children. I think, given time, you will know exactly what to do.

Best of Luck

Gem
Posted 5/29/2011 8:52 PM (GMT 0)
I agree with Precious Gem. This is going to take time for a little soul searching for yourself, to figure out what is best for you and kids. My in-laws are in the same predicament. He is not well and there are two almost grown kids in the house, having had to live through the crazyness for 20 years....it really has done a number on the kids...my MIL knows that she should have ended it long ago because of all it has done to the kids. Who knows how they will turn out now?

Maybe since he will be gone -- living close but not in the house -- you can take the time to maybe talk to a counselor, a close friend, or maybe even a pastor who will be on the outside looking in and can give you some perscpective. I know this forum is really good because we all are on the outside looking in and can help each other out. I know in the back of your Bible you will have a listing of words that will direct you to scriptures that may be helpful to you -- my favorite book for times of strife is Psalms. I usually pray that God will talk to me while I am reading his Word and he does!!

Prayers for you during this time, keep posting and let us know how we can help you!!
Stephanie
Posted 5/29/2011 10:26 PM (GMT 0)
Hi MT4

Wow..Well i think you did the right thing..keeping him out. All you can do is act civil and be there for your kiddos.  They havent seen their father in a weeks and will need your strength.  Stay stong, and remember why you are doing this..for them.  God will give you the will and courage to deal with seeing him.  You might feel a range of emotions...i know i did when i saw my husband yesterday.  But i managed to keep my emotions at bay, and i know you will too.  If he bring up the posibility of working out your marriage, tell him you are only there for the kids.  He needs to know that he hurt you deeply and your heart is trying to heal.  Since you dont know how he will react, its best to just keep the subject on the kiddos.  I pray that God will keep you and your children safe and will give you the strength that you need!  We are here for you!!  I know you can be strong..and you know it! You have taken care of your kids since he left and have found the strenght inside you!  Best of luck! 

Posted 5/30/2011 1:09 AM (GMT 0)
mt4:

meeting him in a public place is a very good idea. I know how intimidating and threatening men can be towards women. You need to keep you and your children safe. Will the public place have other people around (mall, zoo, park, etc)? Bring your cell phone with you. I'm not trying to be paranoid, but I myself intimidated and scared my wife at home so I know exactly how bipolar men can be.
Even though your husband has done serious damage to your marriage and family life, your kids still have a need to see their dad.
You are a very stong woman, your children are blessed to have you in their lives.
Posted 5/31/2011 2:51 AM (GMT 0)
Thanks you all for your advise. And Yes Tommy..I have arranged that it's best to meet where there is lots of people. So I suggested the MAll since it also has small rides my little ones will enjoy.

I spoke to him today it's been about 4 days now I don't talk to him. Everytime I see he is calling I just hand the phone over to one of the kids so they could say Hi. He knows when I do that it's because I don't want to deal with him.
But today i answered. I told him that he has hurt the children a great deal and that it was going to take baby steps to build his relationship back with the kids. I told him not to give me a hard time that I am willing to meet him so he could see the kids. I want to be civilized with him. I did tell him that I don't want to discuss anything about us to just focus on the kids. I did express to him that I am at a good place right now and I want to focus on me.

He said he understood, he knows that he has caused a lot of damage and he respect how I feel.
So I am hoping everything goes smooth. I will keep you updated.

You all have been such a great support system for me and I am grateful to you all!!
Posted 5/31/2011 2:58 AM (GMT 0)
Way to GO MT4!!! You stood your ground and took charge. Im so happy to hear this! I know it was difficult but you are one STRONG lady, and you showed him that. The mall is a great choice..you thought of your kiddos. Im glad you told him where you stand and what you expect. I will pray for God to give you the strenght you need when you see him. You wont be alone. God will be there right beside you. Everything will be OK. You are on your way. Take it one day at a time. We are here for you no matter what! :)
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