bipolar wife wants a divorce again

New to this but needing some help. My wife of 8 years just told me she wanted a divorce. 2 years ago she said the same thing and moved out with our 2 kids and ended up moving in with someone else for about 3 months. She then came back and we renewed our marriage and everything. She was diagnosed with bipolar not long before she left the first time. When we got back together she was taking her meds and going to therapy once a week but that didn't last to long. She has been off her meds for over a year. This time we started having problems 3 months ago and said she wanted a divorce but then about a week later things seemed better. She has been fine one week and then the next she would say things weren't fine. This past Monday she finally said she was tired of being unhappy and was 100% sure she wanted a divorce and when the school year was over her and the kids were goin to move out to a place about an hour away. I've been trying to talk to her but she won't listen. Friday I came home from work and we sat down and talked and now the plan is for me to move out so the kids don't have to change schools. I asked her if she would try and go back to the dr. But she said that had nothing to do with it and she said I was a wonderful person and great father but she just didn't feel the same way about me. She's been hanging out with friends a lot lately and stays up all night and sleeps all day while I take care of the kids. I'm so confused and don't know if this is because of bipolar or if I'm just blaming it on her having bipolar. Don't know what to do.

Hello BMM

So sorry to hear that you are going thru this.  My husband with Bp recently left me and also said he wanted a divorce.  This was the 1st time he has left.  I have drawn alot of inspiration form MT4, and i decided that living that life is not for me.  I love my husband very much, and am crushed inside that this has happened, but i realized that if he was not willing to get treatment and counceling, there was not chance for us.  I have asked him repeatedly if he has gotten his meds, and he refuses.  I know he has to get treatment, but he flat out refuses.  I am only 33 yrs old and i deserve to be in a happy marriage.  I dont want a few weeks to go by where he is "fine" and then one day again he decides to leave.  I need stability and someone to love me all the time..not just some of the time.  My heart cannot me on a rollercoaster for the rest of my life.  I had to do alot of soul searching to get here..and its not easy.  I am still coping with it.  But i pray to God to give me the strength to make the right choice.  I feel for you...its a difficult thing.  Whether you decide to stay or leave...i pray that God helps you during this difficult time.  Please keep us posted.  I have found a wonderful support system on this forum...and i know you will too. 

Best of Luck!

 Bmm1980:

  I'm bipolar myself, we have 3 kids and my wife & I are now temporarily separated but are working things out.  I was verbally and emotionally abusive to my wife for years and counselors told us a temporary separation was our only hope of saving our marriage.  I take meds, do counseling, and live in an apartment for now.

   I'm so sorry for what you're going through.  I have no doubt your wife's behavior is from the bipolar.  It is definitely a disease like diabetes or heart disease.  There is no cure, but is manageable with treatment.

  If I were you, I would definitely get some outside counseling (pastor, confidential friend, or professional). Don't go through this alone. This online forum is one of the best support systems you've found b/c everyone here can relate to each other's struggles.  So keep us posted.

    I think probably your biggest concern is your kids like you say.  Remember, your wife is the one with the serious problems, not you.  Don't blame yourself.  You should not be the one to move out (you're the stable one)! 

  This is one option maybe:  begin keeping a journal of negative/destructive things she says/does (be specific with dates, etc).  If months more go by with no changes, you'd have evidence to show a judge if you seek a legal separation or divorce so you can gain custody of your kids.

   I pray you don't have to do that, but your kids' welfare is the biggest concern at this point.  I'm going to pray for you tonight--please keep posting. . . . . 

Dear Bmm1980,

I'm Bipolar II, and I was diagnosed in 1991. Before my diagnosis, I was in talk therapy for about 10 years but it did me no good. I was wild and out of control. I had no respect for the institution of marriage, my own or anyone else's. Once I was diagnosed and treated, I improved a little, but I was still in a bad marriage. We were verbally abusive to each other. He had some problems as well, and the marriage ended. I was still mood-swinging. I started really improving in 1994 when I found God. I remained stable after that. The combination of correct treatment and faith did the job for me.

As a woman who has BPD who rode the shotgun seat of the roller coaster, I can tell you from the bottom of my heart:

First, protect your kids. Do whatever you have to do to make sure that all of their needs are met. If she gets manic, it's possible that she will go off and party and leave them home alone or something. If she's depressed, she may forget to feed or bathe them. It all depends on how bad she gets when she's on her own

Second, protect your finances. Separate yourself financially from your wife right now. Cut up all joint credit cards and call the companies to close the accounts. Close out your joint checking account and open a personal checking account for your own stuff. Get your name off anything you are leaving behind, like the utilities or cable. Cancel the joint cell phones. Anything with both your names on it has to go. If the house is jointly owned, see if she will buy you out. Trust me on this. If you don't do this, she could bankrupt you. Don't take her word that she will behave about money, she will spend all of hers and then go for yours given the opportunity, especially if she's manic.

Your lawyer will probably tell you not to leave your own house, because that would be abandonement, and he's probably right. I can't give you any legal advice. (Maybe you could sleep in another room?) But I would be worried about leaving the children with her. BPD women can be very irresponsible with kids.

I'm sorry if I've made the future look bleak, but this is a hard road that you're on. Unfortunately, only your wife can make this better, and that's by seeing her doctor, her therapist, and taking her meds. You need to stop babying her, though. She knows she's doing wrong, but there are no consequences. She needs to experience the consequences of her actions.

That's it, I'm off the soapbox. I'm sorry if I sound harsh. I pray that things will get easier for you. God bless you.

HI Bmm1980,

I am a wife to a BP1 Husband currently separated 8 weeks now. I have to let you know that it is very typical of BP to say their behvior is normal and that they are not manic. My husband has actually come to believe that he has always been the person he has become. When he is completely the opposite what he used to be.

Everyone here has given you some GREAT advise. DO NOT leave your home. If she is the one that wants out then let her go. If she doen't want your children to leave the area for their school then they should remain with you in the home.

My husband walked out so then he could figure out where to live and he could deal with his illness by himself. I had so much stress and anxiety when he lived here at home. Now I feel I could breathe again , we have 4 children and they even feel the peace at home. My husband did me a huge favor. Because while he was home I didn't realize how overwhelmed I was. BP takes our love ones and it also tries to take us as well. I lost myself caring for my husband. Now I feel I have found myself again. I have done a lot soul searching and decided That my children and myself come first.

They are responsable for their actions and behavior. Just because they are sick doesn't mean we are going to sit there and take their abuse. Enough is enough. You need to put yourself first. Your children need a stable, loving home.

I feel YES we a responsiable before God to care for a sick spouse but we are also responsiable before God to provide a healthy, loving home environment for our precious children.

So please do wants best for your babies and for yourself.

My husband has been taking his meds and goes to therapy and NOTHING has worked for him. He has just gotten worse.

Hope all the best for YOU!! take care of YOU!!

I am so sorry you are going through this, but I also believe that unless your wife gets back on her meds things are not going to change. I have a husband who sounds a lot like you. We have 7 year old twin girls. I decided a year and a half ago to go off my meds (really wanted to be healthier). I still saw my psychiatrist, but I started getting manic last fall and did exactly what your wife is doing...going out with girlfriends, being verbally abusive to my husband, and finally left him. After 13+ years of marriage I didn't even tell the poor man I just moved stuff out took my girls and told him I had filed for divorce. Thank God he told me I couldn't keep the girls at my folks and after two nights without them I realized what a HUGE mistake I had made. Mind you I had friends and family who had backed me up 100% (I'm a great actress when I'm manic). He let me come back home and I totally crashed into a deep depression. I would have kicked my sorry ass out, but he did what you are doing, he took care of the girls when I couldn't and said we would work through it. I am so blessed that he did. I am back on meds and have committed to NEVER going off again so I truly believe we are going to be OK. I know he still has resentments and anger, but I deserve it and hope to gain back his total love and trust one day. Now I'm going on too long, but I just want you to know that you are doing a great job and I also think you should document her behavior (my husband did and was ready to use it in court). Be firm (ie I think you should keep the house) when it comes to your kids and I pray things work out for you.