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I'm at a lose as to what to do....please help

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Posted 6/7/2011 5:04 AM (GMT 0)
I am multi diagnosed with bipolar II and BPD as  well as anxiety and depression. I started cutting again and basically pushed my family away including my three children because of my roller coaster moods. I just want to leave and never come back. I wish I had someone to talk to who understands. Is there anyone here who I can chat with before I do something stupid yet again.
Posted 6/7/2011 6:14 AM (GMT 0)
Hi Lynne,
Welcome to the forum. No one here will stop you from doing anything stupid. Only you can do that. You will need to get the best medical and psychological assistance you can, to help you to get yourself stabilised. This forum can help provide comfort while you are doing everything you can to help yourself. I'm both bipolar and bpd too and understand the intensity of the emotions. Managing these illnesses can be done but it does take tremendous ongoing development of our skills and enormous strength and discipline. You need to be prepared to undertake that responsibility before anyone can be of any genuine assistance, (no matter how much they may want to help). Please let us know more about your medical and therapeutic regime and how you are going with it. Again, a very warm welcome to you.... glad to see you here! :)
Posted 6/7/2011 6:37 AM (GMT 0)
I have a therapist appoint set for Wednesday but I am not sure I wait until then. I don't know if I want help or to just end it now. I was diagnosed with bipolar II disorder in 2005 and then went on disability. A previous doc said I was BPD and have always had depression since I was like 16 yrs old. I have been on tons of meds and the last ones were lamictal, serequol and welbutrin. It only made it worse. I was doing ok the last few years without any meds or even seeing a doctor. But the last few weeks I have been doing something for everyone espcialyy my daughter. Her prom and my sons birthday was in the same month. I was in alot of pain due the my shoulder surgery in february and bulging discs in my back and chronic pain from a neck surgery a few years back. She and her dad had a dinner with everyone including my father, my sister and didn't invite me or my mother. It hurt and pissed me off and it seems petty now but it was so many things leading up to that. I was tired of feeling like a door mat and having my heart trampling on over and over again. She wants to move in with me so she can attend the college close to me and use my disability income as a way to get full financial aid. But when she is here all we do is argue and my anxiety gets so darn high. I love her but I don't want her here and now she is making me chose. I try my best to make everyone happy but no one doesn anything to help me. So that's my major complaints at the moment. But I do think my kids would be better off without me in it.
Posted 6/7/2011 7:48 AM (GMT 0)
yeah, stresses do make things worse and it looks like you've had a lot of triggers happen all at once lately. I went into a huge depression recently because I had a lot of bad things happen at once too. I think it is important you try and source some good medical and therapeutic support atm esp while you can identify you aren't coping as well as you would like to. You seem to have done remarkably well without the help you need. Your future, with the help you need, seems to be very bright indeed. Try not to let a bout of bad luck and untreated medical illness take you down. None of us can help those runs of bad luck that happens in life, but we can try to get ourselves to the place we need to be to be able to cope with it all. What feels the safest, easiest way for you to reach out for help atm? GP, emergency dept,? That's if you can't wait until Wednesday's therapy. Is there someone you can confide in that you need help and have them support you as you make those calls and start the journey of getting treatment? If not, you can find that here. The journey of treatment is not linear and we have to continually negotiate getting the best care for ourselves as possible, but it DOES make things so much better. It is your choice though. You are still welcome here if you don't seek medicalhelp. Your journey may be a little bumpier but you decisions will be respected and you will still be accepted. You are welcome just as you are. I've found this forum an amazing source of support and I imagine you will too :)
Posted 6/7/2011 8:53 AM (GMT 0)
While appreciate your feedback and suggestions and kind words. I have tried all of that in the past. I did the meds, the cognitive behavioral therapy and then went cold turkey and was just fine. I guess my concern now is now I'm past the point where I think therapy is really going to be good enough. I already took some pills tonight, not even I don't think to kill me but I just want to sleep and escape it all. I think I took 1 blue xanax earlier this evening, drank a bottle of wine, then 4 tylenole#4 and like 6 or 7 ambien. I have a feeling that's just gonna make me either sick to my stomach or I'm going to sleep for a few days. No turning back now. I still wis there was an easier way to get this over with.
Posted 6/7/2011 9:13 AM (GMT 0)
That is your decision to give up. I won't judge you for that. You've got to want get well. I'm just one person here but I think if that is your choice you may have to balance that with the needs of others here. "I'm going to top myself" type posts can be very distressing to other members, and I think may even be banned. Having a look at the guidelines at the top of the forum may help??? I haven't looked at them for a while. I'm not a moderator. I'm not about to take on the role of watchdog for the site. I'm just someone here, doing the best I can to get better.
Posted 6/7/2011 12:36 PM (GMT 0)

living well said...
That is your decision to give up. I won't judge you for that. You've got to want get well. I'm just one person here but I think if that is your choice you may have to balance that with the needs of others here. "I'm going to top myself" type posts can be very distressing to other members, and I think may even be banned. Having a look at the guidelines at the top of the forum may help??? I haven't looked at them for a while. I'm not a moderator. I'm not about to take on the role of watchdog for the site. I'm just someone here, doing the best I can to get better.

Listen to her Lynn. I don't know if you are in a relationship, but people here know I have done EVERYTHING possible to try to support my wife, but I cannot let her destroy me as well as herself.

YOU have to want work to get well. Everyone on here, and in your real life could hold your hand, but it will not make one iota of difference, if you don't want to get treatment. I know this first hand.

LW, is right. If you want to self destruct, that is your business, but don't expect us to cheer you on or hold your hand as you document the process. As someone else said, BP is an illness, not an excuse for bad behavior.
Posted 6/7/2011 10:42 PM (GMT 0)
I understand. You can talk to me. I joined this forum about a month ago for anxiety,depression and severe panic attacks. I was recently diagnosed with Ultra Rapid Cycling Bipolar disorder. Even before I was diagnosed w/ the bipolar,I didn't feel like I had much support from my family. Now that I am diagnosed,the support has went down hill, especially from my husband (i need him,but he can't give me a second of his time) and now that I'm fighting new meds,he's just backed away further and is just nasty to me (at my worst..i didn't even want to go on meds,b/c I've battled side effects of meds for years; he talked me into it) I can tell you,your family loves you, and this support group has helped me alot. I am here if you would like to talk. It will get better,I believe that for both of us. LOTS OF HUGS TO YOU!!! KAY?!!
Posted 6/8/2011 2:47 AM (GMT 0)
Lynn,

You are NOT alone!! It totally sucks to have to deal with this illness especially when all you want to do is push everyone away and not deal with anything. What we forget is that we are worth so much more than what we feel when our illness strikes us down. There are so many people here to help and support you and have felt exactly how you are feeling. You need to take care of yourself right now and not make decisions about your daughter until you are back to yourself. I am so glad you have made an appt. with your Dr. because they can help you even if it does take awhile. PLEASE, PLEASE, PLEASE, take care of yourself and hold on, it will get better! MORE HUGS TO YOU!!!!!!!!
Posted 6/8/2011 2:58 AM (GMT 0)
Lynn:

  you are crying for help, that is a good step and is proof you want to get better.  BP people that don't want to get better never bother asking for help.  I'm Bipolar II & work in a specialized area of critical care medicine.  I will tell you I've taken care of some patients that made irreversible decisions that greatly affected them &  their families.  I've never seen anything good come from it.  They were helpless in ICU beds.  I would very strongly recommend going to your local ED.  There are tremendous resources there.  You won't have to wait days for an appointment.  There are also emergency national hotlines to call.  Those call centers are there for a reason.  The dedicated workers there help hundreds of people everyday across the country.  I've spoken with the trained professionals that take calls.  They have a passion & commitment for helping & guiding hurting people.

   I've been where you are, but it does get better if you ask for help.  Only you can do that.

    You have to ask for help.  That not only benefits you, but all the people in your life that love you & are greatly affected by your decisions.

Posted 6/9/2011 9:54 PM (GMT 0)
Well I'm still here. Thank you all for your feedback and concern. Monday night was a bit of a blur and Tuesday morning the cops showed up to check on me which I must have somehow convinced them I was ok. I packed a bag and somehow got myself to a motel. I vaguely remember taking more ambien but when I woke up wednesday morning back at home I couldn't find the bottles of ambien, tylenol #4 or my xanax. I was having pressure in my chest, had a hard time breathing, cold and hot so I was totally freaking out. I realized how stupid it was of me to do what I did. I went to see my new counselor and she said I was probably having a panic/anxiety attack because if I had taken all those pills I wouldn't be alive to talk about it. So I went back home and tried to do some relaxation breathing. That still didn't work so my daughter took me to the ER and they ran some tests. They gave me some adavan and it helped, my ekg looked normal but my bp was really high. I also realized that I hadn't taken my lyrica in a few days so it could have been some withdrawls mixed in. Luckily they said my tylenol levels looked fine but it's possible I was also having the lasting effects of taking too much ambien and to not mix my meds like that or drink while taking them. I decided right then and there that I don't want control of my meds for a while so my daughter has decided to stay and help. We both agree that we have alot of work to do with counseling so we can communicate better and I have to get an emergency plan together when I do feel overwhelmed. I'm looking for a psychiatrist to try meds again for my moods, depression and anxiety. It's not gonna be easy but I want to get better. So no I'm trying to rest and keep my anxiety under control for a bit until I get into all of this with everyone around me. But atleast I'm alive and I actually want to be. Thank you all and I've learned my leason.
Posted 6/10/2011 1:48 AM (GMT 0)
Lynn,

So glad to hear from you and that you are heading in the right direction now. How great that your daughter is going to stay and help and I hope this gives you both time to heal some of those past wounds. I am so proud of you that you are going to a pdoc to look at meds again. I hope you realize the most important thing is that you are worth so much and your family does need you!! Hope this all turns around for you really soon!
Posted 6/10/2011 7:55 PM (GMT 0)
Does anyone here have borderline personality disorder? I have been diagnosed with bipolar II but was at one time also diagnosed with BPD. I think my symptoms fit BPD more and because I was on Lamictal in the past for bipolar and felt worse I'm worried about trying new meds. I've heard that there isn't any meds for BPD except to help with the anxiety. I ofcourse can't get into a psych for meds for a few months but I'm trying to get feedback and do research so I will be prepared when I do see them.
Right now I just take xanax but am looking for something I can take everyday without feeling like a zombie.
Posted 6/14/2011 8:01 AM (GMT 0)
Tortoise and I both have BPD and I think there may be another regular but I can't remember who just atm, if there is. DBT is fantastic for BPD and in some respects it can help manage the bipolar a tiny bit, in that it might help take the cognitive heat out of a biological mood escalating if that makes sense. I think I one wrote a post to Mom0f3Tennesee about BPD/DBT if you want to have a search for it. I would stay away from ACT (Acceptance and Commitment Therapy) personally as I don't think it is as professionally or securely delivered as DBT. DBT is done as part of a team and is much more protective from rogue unsupervised facilitators. I'm in ED atm but not because of BPD. It is because of the bipolar and my liver that can't metabolise medications. Medical professionals are amazed with how much I've been able to use DBT to manage even bipolar, not just BPD with DBT skills. Just because the illness has progressed due the inablility to treat it biologically (due to liver) and that I have had a series of social crises on after another for the past couple of months; please don't lose faith in the efficacy of DBT. It is brilliant commonsense therapy that anybody can benefit from. Hope that helps. LW
Posted 6/14/2011 8:15 AM (GMT 0)
My new therapist is working with me with CBT but I am going to discuss DBT with her as well. I think she is willing to do anything that I want to do. I had DBT before and it really helped but that therapist isn't on my insurance anymore so I have to start all over. yyeeeeeeeeeeekkkkksss
Well I will you luck with your situation and hope things are going well. Thanks for the feedback. I'll try to look for that post to momof3tennesee
Posted 6/14/2011 8:52 AM (GMT 0)
hi lyn. forner borderline personality disorder. did dbt in a live in program for 6 months here where i live, 2004. cat is the new adjunct therapy devised from dbt. dbt is excellent itself. wishing you well. with much compassion, jamie.
Posted 6/14/2011 10:12 PM (GMT 0)
Former? You mean this is something you can get over? I'm not able to do an inpatient type thing so I have to do the work on my own and with a therapist once a week. Today I started looking for a new psychiatrist and boy my anxiety is so high. I have a medicare suppliment insurance but the mental health benefits is run through something called lifesynch so I have to find a doc who takes both. When I call they say "we don't take that and never heard of it". Really?!!! Really!!?? Their names are on the lists from the insurance company so how can they say they don't take it! Anyway, I'm called my primary doc to see if he can call me in Lamictal and Cymbalta because that was what I was on back in 2007 but stopped because I didn't think they were working plus my insurance ran out. Come to find out, my family thinks I was doing better on the meds. Nice of them to tell me now instead of a few years ago. Anyway, I'm on a long journey to get better because I can't live in this hell anymore. I'll check out CAT therapy and talk to my therapist about it. Thanks and take care.
Posted 6/14/2011 10:18 PM (GMT 0)
I looked for that CAT therapy but all I could find was the DBT and CBT. What do the initials CAT stand for?
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