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Defeated is how i feel...

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Bipolar Disorder
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Posted 6/30/2011 9:35 PM (GMT 0)
I'm so sorry to bother anyone with this, but I thought if I wrote it I might feel better. I'm struggling so much with my mood. Maybe if I am lucky I might have 1-possibly 2-days during the 7-day week that I'm in an okay mood. However, I have been mostly agitated, and angry. Like the anger moves to rage. I hadn't acted on that rage and have survived thru it but it hasn't been easy. Everyday I feel like I am on the edge.

I do have an awesome Psychiatrist, however she won't try any other meds right now until I start a DBT Program. She wants to see if it helps with my Borderline thought patterns. I just don't want to do this DBT right now, but I'm sure that it might help. Its a ways for me to drive, I had an ileostomy last month, and I have terrible chronic bladder pain and problems. Which all this just adds to my Bipolar thoughts.

Maybe I am just feeling sorry for myself, but I just feel so defeated. I'm so tired of feeling depressed and angry. I want to feel good and happy for at least 4 days during a week.

Again I am sorry to be such a downer.
Your Healingwell Friend,
Serenitee


Bipolar 2, Borderline, Manic-Dep, Panic Disorder, Loop ileostomy, 2-bladder lifts (1 was from my bladder and colon falling out of my body), Vaginal Vault lift, abdominal hysterectomy, C-section followed a week later with ruptured appendix, Psuedomembraneous colitis, tumor removed from head, 4-knee surgeries, 1-shoulder surgery...too many things to list cry
Posted 6/30/2011 10:59 PM (GMT 0)
no need for apology, you are doing your best and when our best doesn't cut it, all of us feel despondent. It is fabulous that you have had the strength not to act on your rage. Please give yourself credit for that. We do chose our behaviour and you've got a great handle on that. You will take to DBT really well and I highly recommend DBT - it is a fantastic, safe, accountable therapy. Everyone noticed the change in me the year I did DBT. My ex husband still asks "what changed" and I cheekily point out that that was the year our divorce came through lol. I don't know what a ileostomy is but I guess it has something to do with your bladder... and urinary things easily p*ss us off, pardon the pun! You've got a lot of health issues and give yourself credit for managing them. I reckon allow yourself this sad/angry time, without acting on it. Specifically DBT prescribes changing emotions by acting opposite to the current emotion. For sadness or depression - get active and do things that make you feel competent and confident. For anger - gently avoid the person you are angry with, avoid thinking about them. Imagine sympathy and empathy for the other person rather than blame. Do something nice. It sounds like a huge call out of context - it's a huge call within context!!! DBT also teaches us to balance eating, sleeping, exercising, and meditating to balance our mood - as well as managing physical health problems (as physical health is a huge impacter on mental health). DBT also teaches us to avoid mood altering drugs. Mindfulness by noticing what you can hear, see, taste, touch, smell can be quite soothing. Also noticing body sensation, scan through your body and feel how it feels in each area. Also, understand what emotions do for you, what is the purpose of your depression and anger. Once they are validated, emotions do tend to subside a little. My pdoc is of the belief that even bipolar doesn't give us "false" feelings, it just magnifies them to the nth degree. It's the intensity we have to make sure not to act upon. Given your pdoc doesn't want to change your meds and you are struggling, I just wanted to give you a ******ised version of parts of DBT, in case that can help you through this tough patch. Keep fighting and keep writing. Love, LW x
Posted 7/1/2011 4:11 AM (GMT 0)
Livingwell...All I can say is "WOW!" I can't even think of the words to express how you spelled things out for me like that. It was amazing. It brought good tears to my eyes. I think I should hire you to be my therapist. You really have a gift of how you can break down and explain things. I am calling the DBT Program tonight to leave a message for them to call me back and set up appt. They already have my information as I was all set to see them beginning of May, but I was rushed to have the ileostomy surgery. Which is where they cut intestines and re-route them out your abdominal wall (belly) and then you wear pouches (bags) to collect stool. Right now it is a temporary Loop ileostomy...Which means they could re-attach if intestines heal. But in September we will then set up to have another surgery and make it permanent. That is where they remove your intestines, rectum, etc.

Anywaz, didn't mean to get side-tracked...lol I just want to give you such a HUGE THANK YOU...for truly helping me today to cope and get thru. You have such a genuine heart to share all that you said to me. I will deeply hold on to your words.

Your Healingwell Friend,
Serenitee
Posted 7/1/2011 4:23 AM (GMT 0)
((( Serenitee )))

I'm sorry you're struggling so much right now.

I did DBT for a couple of years. I started out Borderline, now I do not fit that diagnosis anymore as some of my symptoms are completely gone. I credit that entirely to DBT. DBT improved my quality of life greatly, and I now use the skills I learned there without thinking about it. It really helps me cope when times are rough. It sounds like you're having a horribly rough time now. More skills in your arsenal of coping is always better. It also helps sort out personal relationships, which I always found difficult to handle.

I am glad you are getting connected. I really hope you experience the same kind of improvement in quality of life I experienced.

Post Edited (hopeful one) : 6/30/2011 10:26:22 PM (GMT-6)

Posted 7/1/2011 6:24 AM (GMT 0)
me ex bpd as well. dbt was excellent. i did it in a group treatment program.
(inpatient-6 months) jamie.
Posted 7/2/2011 6:55 AM (GMT 0)
Thank you all so much for the kind words and support. All of you are so amazing and this site is wonderful. I feel VERY BLESSED to have met all of you here at Healingwell.

Made the call to DBT today and waiting for a phone call to set up intake appt. I do believe you are right and that I think DBT would be very beneficial for me. I definitely will let you all know when I start.
Thank you for your support and friendship.

Your Healingwell Friend,
Serenitee
Posted 7/3/2011 3:19 AM (GMT 0)
That is great news Serenitee! LW does give such great advice and I am sure it will help you. I just wanted you to know that you are not alone feeling anxious and angry. I am dealing with those right now and it IS really hard to only have a day or two that is "good". I hope both of us have more "good" days soon! I think the DBT sounds really good. My pDoc has never talked about it, but I am going to use ideas from LW above. Kudos to you!!
Posted 7/3/2011 5:10 AM (GMT 0)
highnlow,

Thank U for your post. I was wondering if you suffer from Borderline too? I'm sorry your dealing with the same issues as well. But it is comforting knowing I'm not alone and there are others that struggle with the same things. Not that I would wish this on anyone.

Hope you have a wonderful 4th of July Holiday. My thoughts and prayers go out to you.
Your Healingwell Friend,
Serenitee



Bipolar 2, Borderline, Panic Disorder, Ptsd...Loop ileostomy, and lots more surgeries...lol
Posted 7/3/2011 6:24 AM (GMT 0)
Hi Serenitee, did you happen to get my email at all? Fingies crossed that DBT comes up pretty soon. Cheers, LW
Posted 7/3/2011 7:49 PM (GMT 0)
Serenitee,

I may be borderline...my pDoc doesn't like putting "labels" on her clients, but has told me I am Bipolar 1. This is really the first time since I was diagnosed in 1995 that I am dealing with both the anxiousness and agitation. It is so very frustrating and yes, you wouldn't wish it upon anyone, but it is nice to not feel so alone in this. Right now my pDoc and I are trying to find a drug that works for me. Each one seems to work for a week or two and then I get back to this anxious/agitated state. I've been on Lyrica 5 days and am starting to get those feelings back so we'll see what she says this week. I think that is why the DBT will be great for you to learn some coping methods. I was pretty anxious this morning and ended up cleaning the house which did make me feel better. I am hoping for the best for you!
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