Bipolar Wife

My wife of 12 years was recently diagnosed with bipolar disorder.  We have been seperated for amost one year.  She and our three children lived with her parents for about 8 months.  She tried to come home with the kids several times.  But would always have an episode and go back to her parents with the kids. 

 

Now she has been living in a condo with our two daughters.  Our son lives with her parents.  He did live with me for a couple months but my wife made him go back to her parents in one of her episodes.  She is very unpredictable taking care of our daughters.  They seem to be farmed out every other night to her parents, her sister or with me.  Or I go to the condo to take care of them and put them to bed. 

 

She seems to cycle twice a day.  In the morning and in the evening.  She has very intense anger and frustration when this happens and takes it out on anyone that is around.  Usually me or her mother.  Her mother is constanly in her business and I believe is trying to get us divorced.  Usually when I get the brunt of the anger from my wife it involves her screaming, throwing, hitting and throwing me out.  Then she will talk to her mother about it who says that she has to divorce me if she is going to get "better".  The entire family will give me the cold shoulder for about a week.  Then my wife will come out of it, applogize and claim her undying love.  We get along for a couple more weeks then it starts all over again.  about once a month this happens.

 

I love my wife very much and want nothing more than her to be happy.  Her parents seem to think she will never get "better" with me around.  But, I know she still loves me very much and just does not know how to cope with the symptoms of bipolar very well at this point.  I know she will never get "better" with me around or not.  I think the current situation only makes the issue worse for her and our children.  I would like them all to come home and for me, her and our oldest child who is 13 go to counceling together to learn how to handle her episodes.  But her mother won't let that happen.  She won't leave her alone about divorcing me.

 

I know that a bipolar marriage is very hard on the well spouse but I am committed to her.  I would never leave her.  Am I wrong?

 

It isn't a right or wrong situation, MarriedToMania, it's an illness and
it can be made better by a number of things:

1. her doctor needs to know that she is behaving in this way. How do
you insure that he gets that information? You may by having a separate conference with the physician or visiting with her and the doctor.

2. Proper medication to stabilize the emotions and in sufficient quantity
daily.

3. If you feel that you will never leave her, then her parents need
to consult with a psychiatrist to manage their negative emotions--if your wife is telling them the truth. So often, the illness makes it impossible for the patient to actually be able to tell the real truth when in an episode.

4. Care for the psyche of the children; they are being affected more
than you know by their mother's illness. Get counseling for them if they are willing to attend. You might even go with them if you feel it's
appropriate.

5. Recognize that the blasts at you are the illness exploding, not the
real personality whom you married. They must be controlled by
medications and diet. She should not eat or drink anything containing
caffeine, and she should not indulge in alcohol in any form. They both make the illness worse. Her diet should consist of less meat and more green vegetables and salads, reduction or elimination of sugar and white flour products.

6. It is known now that bipolar illness is an inflammation of the brain.
Aspirin has been found to help relieve symptoms, according to my psychiatrist. How soon it will be before medical science finds the root of the problem is unknown, but researchers can't be far from an answer with all the new analysis of chromosome data emerging. One fact is certain: the symptoms are alleviated greatly by changing the diet and drinking water rather than alcohol, coffee, or tea, soft drinks, or use of artificial sweeteners. (It has to do with acidic reactions in the body fluids as these foods are digested.) Alcohol is like adding gasoline to a fire in terms of making the illness worse.

7. Keep the faith. (Probably the biggest help of all.)

8. Take care of yourself psychologically; these episodes can only increase stress for you, and you must find a way to retain your positive outlook and thinking. Counseling for yourself alone may be the outlet you need to help keep your own health.

Take care.

It's Genetic

Post Edited (It's Genetic) : 7/12/2011 4:09:09 PM (GMT-6)

I too feel you pain, each situation is different, so I can not tell you what to do, but I can tell you, the choices you make now will reamain with you for the rest of your life, so make them wisely.

SHE initiated divorce? Wow, she is in denial. This kind of inconsistency will harm your children. Children of bipolar parent have a greatly increased chance of becoming bipolat themselves. My husband is un medicate BP right now-been off his meds for A YEAR...he starts them next week, after finding out his daughter is adhd and has depression.

Kids need consistency, security, stability and if your wife is not willing to adjust meds or possibly hospital stay, I would kick her out or get your kids out. The chaos, the screaming, the up and down stresses them to the breaking point.

Either she has to go or you and the kids do. That is how I handled it. My shrink said give him an ultimatum-sometimes that is what it tsakes....but if you do, you MUST follow thru on your end.

Please think first of the kids and their caretaker-you

Maggie

Oh, I am so glad you are not all under the same roof..I know how hard that must have been but good for you...you made the adult decision.

So, she is essentially lost her family. Has she adjusted her meds or soought further help? She sounds deep in her disease. What do her parents say? I know it would be very difficult for you but I'm sure the kids would be better off together since this is so not their fault and they are confused and scared. Is that financially possible?

Iff you feel she could be dangerous to herself or others, as her husband in many states, you could apply to the court for hospitalization. That may sound cruel, but my husband did it FOR me one time and I got my meds straightened out and some rest and therapy. I was mad at first, then I was glad I was there.

Perhaps an attorney could offer advice or someone else here. There is no simple or pleasant solution to your troubles right now..it is going to be messy but you have taken the first step and a big one at that

You and your wife and kids are in my prayers.

Maggie

I am starting to wonder if she was correctly diagnosed with Bipolar. Her behavior seems more like that of someone with Borderline Personality Disorder. Splitting, distortion, I love you/ I hate you, all of her problems are my fault or her parents fault or our children's fault. Like I said before she goes back and forth several times a day. I read Stop Walking on Eggshells a couple times and i think every story and example in the that book has something in common with our relationship.

Last week we were getting along. Then she decides I am evil and does not want to see or hear from me. We are in the middle of our second round of divorce. She has filed both times. She eventually dismissed it the first time. She told her lawyer I was harrassing her. Then the next day calls me at 3 am about four times leaving voicemails about how much she loves me and does not want to be alone. I turn my phone off at night now. The next night she did the same thing and when I didn't answer she drove over to the house, let her self in and woke me up begging to come home. I tell her sure. You can come home anytime you want. But the next morning its back to how bad I am.

My head is spinning. I don't know what to do. I am worried because she is on some serious medication and if she is not really bipolar maybe the meds are making the problem worse. Her doctor told her she has adhd also and he is having her take adderall at 3pm. That doesn't sound right to me. Maybe that is why she is still up at 3 in the morning.

By the way. Our children are not really exposed to a lot of this. We have two daughters that live with her parents and our son lives with me. She is really not around our children much at all.

I don't know what to expect from this post, just trying to write down what is going on and get it straight in my head so I can get to taking care of myself and our children.