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I've hit a plateau...I'm running out of options.

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Posted 7/25/2011 10:47 PM (GMT 0)
Today I went to my therapist. I told him everything! I told him all of the thoughts I have been having and how these thoughts have been haunting me. I have told him how everything seems to be splitting at the seams... nothing. The only thing he can do is continue to dig for what is wrong. I have done all of the digging and so has he. I feel like I have hit a plateau, and I am getting so frustrated and fed up. I want so badly for this to all end. I really want to be normal, if such a thing exists. Happy. I want to enjoy what I have. I want to like myself. I am trying. I am trying so hard, I have been for so long. I don't want to weigh myself ten times a day anymore. I don't want to compare myself to everyone else. Most of all, more than anything else, I don't want to think about what comes after this anymore. My first bad thought was when I was in fifth grade and I can remember it so vividly, I wanted it all to end. I haven't had the best growing up, but I won't go into that because I don't like using it as a reason for why things are the way they are now...my therapist does that. There has to be a reason for this! I need some kind of answer. Am I bipolar, just depressed, do I have some kind of morbid obsession with death? WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME?! I'm running out of time.

I APOLOGIZE IF YOU'VE ALREADY READ THIS. I POSTED THIS ON THE DEPRESSION FORUM AS WELL... I just need as much advice as I can get, so I posted it on both. I'M SORRY!!! :(
Posted 7/25/2011 11:29 PM (GMT 0)
Trista,

I know how hard it is to keep trying when everything seems so bad, but TRUST me you will get better and you are doing the right things. Seeing a therapist and finding meds that will help you. It does appear that your self-image is a big issue for you and I hope your therapist is addressing that. It is very hard when we compare ourselves to others, especially when we are in a dark place. Everyone else seems "thinner", "richer", "totally together" when in fact most aren't. Please give yourself some time to get to figure things out so you can start feeling better. I should know. My psychiatrist is ALWAYS telling me to be patient. It is so hard, but you are so worth it! I can't diagnose you, but you are going through a very tough time right now and need more help. Are your parents able to support you? How about siblings or friends??
Posted 7/25/2011 11:43 PM (GMT 0)
Linda,

Thank you for responding. I have my boyfriend, but he is stressed right now as it is, because he is training to become a paramedic/firefighter. If I mention the "S" word or depression or anything he becomes frustrated because he gets worried and feels helpless... He threatens to take me to the hospital, because he worries. Aside from him, I really don't have people that I can trust. My therapist is proving to be an idiot of some kind I think. I promise you I have been trying. The problem with talking to people about it is that I am afraid they will think that I am trying to get attention; it is much easier to put the happy mask on. People tend to want to be around happy people. I think I need to find a different doctor, but I have seen so many, which tells me that maybe it is me who is wrong. I want someone to give me a stable diagnosis, so I know how to fix myself. I take Lamictal and Topamax, but they are for seizures and I get them from my neurologist. My doctor is only a psychologist, so he doesn't prescribe meds... I don't know what to do. I just feel lost. I'm 24, and most of the time I feel like a small child. I just want to hide.

I am afraid to post too often on this because I don't want to be a bother.

Tristan
Posted 7/26/2011 12:26 AM (GMT 0)
Tristan,
Sometimes the things we fear are what can do us the greatest good, and are the most appropriate and effective. I'm on the verge of yet another hospitalisation, but it will see me through, until I get some wind in my sails again. Hospitalisation is a way to keep safe. It is a shame that your boyfriend isn't more compassionate, given that he will be dealing with a lot of people on your predicament. Obviously you need to get a doctor for your mental health and you need to get that stabilised before you start going down the road of old traumas. For your psychologist to go down that road with you while you are not emotionally stable enough to bring any healing or resolution to those traumas; is foolhardy imho. Please get to a doctor soon for your mental health. It is just as important as treating the seizures. Really feeling for you and hope you find a great doctor. Hugs x
Posted 7/26/2011 12:39 AM (GMT 0)
Living well,

Thank you for responding. I'm going to try... I need to do something soon before I slide off the edge again.

Tristan
Posted 7/26/2011 2:53 AM (GMT 0)
Tristan,

You are not a bother at all! Please try to get that in your sweet head, we are all here because we understand what you are going through and truly do want to help. I agree with Jade that you really do need to find a psychiatrist (pdoc) who can help you deal with your depression and it sounds like you need to find another psychologist. We are individuals so it does take time to find the right one for you...it's not you. It is hard for others to be a comfort when we start going down the dark road. I know my husband loves me, but it is very hard to understand someone going through what we do when they have never really experienced it. I too am very good at hiding my dark feelings. You can do this, Tristan. Please find a pdoc and look for a new psychologist and please keep posting here....we really do care about you and your well-being!!
Posted 7/26/2011 9:43 AM (GMT 0)
Linda,

Thanks so much for your response. When searching for a new doctor, I don't even know where to begin. It feels like an endless cycle. I've seen so many, and each time I get to explain everything again. Maybe I should write it all down in summary, create an outline of sorts; give it to the new doctor then explain from there. I'm not quite sure that I could ever act on the things that I think about. I romanticize them more than anything... Actually typing that makes me sound fairly sick, doesn't it? :( I just have this feeling that if I were going to, I would have already done it. I do think that I might need some kind of medicine, because I don't think that these thoughts should haunt me the way they do. I don't want to think about the 'what if's' anymore. I'm sorry for rambling. You really don't know how much this forum helps me, more than my doctor helps me. Thanks to all of you.
Posted 7/26/2011 1:31 PM (GMT 0)
Hello, Tristan,

Miss Cranberry gave you terrific advice. She recognizes you as an artist, and believe me, artists do have feelings that are so much more sensitive than the "average" person. Do some research on your own about the artistic temperament; you'll be astounded at the difference in feeling and sensitivity. Pearl Buck has described it perfectly. You need to read her work about it.

If you can just accept the fact that you have inherited an artistic temperament and all that goes with it and use your skills for productive work, you may find yourself happier than you've ever been in your life.

Pearl Buck suggests that the artist is never content unless he is constantly creating--whatever that gift may be, the artist has to use it.
It's as close to him/her as breathing and cannot be denied if one wants to genuinely live a fulfilling life. It just may be that your creative drive is urging you to get with it and work at producing your gifts to mankind.

Take care; re-read Miss Cranberry's view when you have time. She
has the idealistic view that many artists hold dear and she writes so
eloquently. It's good for you to be exposed to that kind of talent.

It's Genetic
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