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bipolar hubby off meds and acting very scary

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Posted 8/14/2011 10:48 PM (GMT 0)
Hi y'all

I usually post on Fibro. I have deep Major depressive disorder and PTSD. I am on my meds altho I need new anti-d. My husband has been off meds for 6 weeks and he thinks he's acting normal.

I just had to step in between him and my 14 yr old daughter, he was an inch from her face telling her "I'll slap your face" with her best friend 2 feet away. When i stepped in, he grabbed my hair and tried to yank me out of the way...he is soooo out of control. Then when the girls had gone to her room. I told him"Nice way to act in front of a guest!" and he threw the remote at me hard, hit me and it broke. I am now locked inside the office.

How do I get him to understand that he has changed so much since he stopped his meds. He likes himself manic, but the rest of us do not!!!! If I had the money, I'd take her and leave but...

He scares me-the hate and rage I see in his eyes is real. I do not want my daughter growing up thru this crap.

Thanks-

Maggie

Posted 8/15/2011 12:35 AM (GMT 0)
Maggie, it is domestic violence, with or without bipolar. You need to treat it like any domestic violence case; and get and keep you and your daughter safe and your wellbeing intact. Thinking of you Maggie, and so sorry this is happening to you. I hope you have the strength to manage the situation effectively - because effective management takes huge amounts of strength and courage. Much love, Jade x
Posted 8/15/2011 12:53 AM (GMT 0)
Thanks livingwell for yr reply.

Do many bipolars miss their manic phases? He says he's not himself when he's on his meds. The manic seems to be like a high for him. He gets alot of stuff done but is unbearable to live with. Are explosive temper and constant irritation a signature of BP? Our very existence seems to annoy him...veryshort fuse, we walk on egg shells never knowing what will set off next temper tantrum.

Tonight was the first time he put a hand on me since my daughter was 2. I told him then, "Do it again and you will never see your daughter again". We have no place to go. I have to get him back on his meds-he was doing GREAT!! on lamictal and effexor. Thnaks for listening

Maggie
Posted 8/15/2011 3:46 AM (GMT 0)
bipolar disorder is an illness that affects every type of person - there is no such thing as a typical "bipolar". Some people with bipolar can miss their hypo/manic phases, other dread even constructive hypomania. We are all so different. Irritability is a sign of what is called "dyphoric" elevation, but it is also a sign of depression. A bad high and a low can be very similar in some people, but yes, your hubby's irritability seems to be part of a bad "high".
Prolly the only way you are going to get your hubby back on his meds is if you have him committed. He is harming you and your daughter now, so yes that is probable grounds for him to be forced to be hospitalised and have medication administered against his will.
Maggie, I feel dreadful for you... you are in an extraordinarily difficult situation.... rely on EVERY support you have - family, friends, colleagues, community services.
I have had to do the "shelter" thing... they are NEVER as bad as you think they are... and you get the chance to get your head together and plans made.
Some places have programs for pets to be looked after if you don't have family and friends who can do it.
Rely on your friends and family as much as you can so you don't feel institutionalised. Those services are under big strain but they are there precisely for woman and children in your situation. The staff are really clued in and the other women you meet in such places are great value. Please don't feel stuck... it is terrifying, but you aren't stuck.
You have more likelihood of rebuilding your life without him than getting him to take his meds. You aren't throwing your marriage away - he has and I feel very sad for you.
You will prolly feel the need to fight for your marriage and leave no stone unturned. That is perfectly reasonable and can be a very important process in terms of acceptance.
I hope I am terribly wrong about your husband. What has me "giving up" on him is that he can't see how unwell he is. If someone thinks they are fine; they figure why fix what aint broke. But the illness going unmedicated can't allow him to accommodate your feelings and needs. Keep talking Maggie, coz that is the best way you are going to find the right direction for you and the way you can feel supported and comforted while going through a bumpy ride. The next year is prolly going to be hell - let's help you get through it the best you can for you and your daughter. I'm as nutty as they come - so I won't be going anywhere in a hurry LOL. Big Hugs... you know your life better than I do... my words are just for you to try on, even though I have a direct style of communication. Thinking of you. Jade x
Posted 8/15/2011 3:54 PM (GMT 0)
thanks so much Jade for your time and caring.

When I tell family or friends, they cannpt possibly imagine what life is like when not only is husbhand very ill and in denial but I am very sick too. His impulse spending has really hurt us badly, still self medicating ocasionally w/ drugs and alcohol and now these outbursts...

A shelter is out-we own our house outright (blessing) but cannot sell it b/c of market and if I kick him out, Katie and I cannot get by on disability. I am looking for part ti,e work. I wou;d not fight for this, I'd get out today if I had some options....I see my daughter hurting and hardening in the face of his anger and criticism...don't know

It feels good to spill my guts, it has become overwhelming and my depression gets paralyzing at times....but thank you for the opportunity to vent

Maggie
Posted 8/16/2011 5:59 AM (GMT 0)
Yep, that is fair enough... try to get your own little nest egg happening and that will give you more options. Often safety and freedom doesn't come in obvious ways... we have to be creative over time. Sure it isn't the ideal but it is the reality for a lot of abused spouses and children, and only by working with the reality can we make any true progress. Given that you are "stuck" in terms of accommodation, can you think of just one more thing that will get you and Katie out of the house during each week? Have you spoken to Katie about what is happening with her father and affirmed for her that neither of you are doing anything to deserve his abuse? She is old enough now for you to share some of your "stuckness" without overburdening her. My disabled teenage boy amazes me with the clarity and wisdom that can come out of his mouth sometimes!! (We won't talk about those other times lol). Also our children being only children mean that they can feel more isolated in their traumatic experiences. From the outside, I think it might be really good for Katie to stay at her friends places a lot more so her friendships aren't affected by her dad's untreated mental illness. Peer interaction, support and belonging can be soooooo important to teenagers; especially teenage girls. I don't know you and your life... I'm just throwing out thoughts in the hope there might be some ideas in how to wiggle your way out of your situation over time; and most of all help you and Katie remain as psychologically intact as possible. Don't discount the severity of what you are experiencing - it is serious. Keep venting Maggie. I'm here. x
Posted 8/16/2011 12:07 PM (GMT 0)
really good thoughts/advice, lwell
Posted 8/16/2011 1:45 PM (GMT 0)
Dear livingwell

Thank you so much for yr support, my depression has me pretty isolated (which I need to cahnge) so it is so nice to talk to someone who has some experience with BP.

My daughter Katie spends a lot of time at school and friends' house-she is very good at least on the surface at limiting her exposure to him. She loves him, but does not like the illness. She wants to be a psych nurse-poor thing with 2 goofy parents-LOL. She says that people who are mentally ill are usually the most intelligent and empathetic-hmmm?

I am putting up fliers for work today-keep yr fingers crossed-thanks again for taking time to respond

Take care Maggie
Posted 8/16/2011 9:32 PM (GMT 0)
Maggie, you are coming up with just the right solutions for you! Well done! :) Stick to your course regardless of inevitable fluctuations in your husband's behaviour. If he ends up getting back on meds, you will still have a nice little nest egg there in case things ever get wobbly again, as it has a high risk of doing - as is the nature of bipolar. I'm sure your daughter would make a fantastic psych nurse. If we play it right we can actually help our kids grow in compassion and understanding of mental illness rather than just being traumatised by having parent/s with mental illness. Parenting without mental illness is a hard enough gig - parenting with mental illness brings a new level of challenge. Anyhoo, enough of my pontifications. I hope you get a great job soon and those subtle shifts start coming into your situation. Big Hugs, Jade x
Posted 8/18/2011 10:32 PM (GMT 0)
Maggie - i feel so sorry for you.  The advice you have received from this forum is second to none but i want to say this.  Your husband made a decision to come off his meds whilst he was fairly stable.  In my book this means he is responsible and accountable for his actions.  Chasing highs - to hell with any one else is not the act of a person who loves and respects their loved ones.  I am sorry Maggie your husband is an abuser and you need to take positive steps to ensure you and your daughter are safe.

When I am high I feel bomb proof and yes these feelings are not unpleasant but the consequences are disasterous.  I once, for example, believed i was a proffesional gambler and blew £9000 in just over two weeks.  Together with exspensive holidays payed by credit cards realized a debt of £20000.  This cost me my first marriage.  In my defense I did not know I was bipolar until recently.  But now I know that i am bipolar and because i love and respect my family (and myself) I take responsibility for my illness by taking medication and attending therapy.  As I have posted previously I also ensure that I have no funds in my bank account to obliterate when I am high.

I do hope and pray that your predicament changes real soon.  Keep sharing -Take care.

Peter

Posted 8/19/2011 12:34 AM (GMT 0)
oh my dear i am really sorry to hear this, it hurts me to hear anyone have to go through this, my best advice would be next time he is acting scary call the police if you have to, i remeber my grandmother used to call the police on my grandfather a couple of times because he used to come after all of us when he was mad. my dear i hope things go better for you i will be praying fro you )O(
Posted 8/23/2011 3:29 AM (GMT 0)
Hope you are still taking good care of you Maggie. Thinking of you. Jade x
Posted 9/1/2011 9:11 PM (GMT 0)
Hopefully you've found some answers for this by now, and that you're doing better.

I agree with what livingwell said about it being domestic violence with or without BP. Regardless of whether or not your husband 'understands' what he is doing, the fact is that he is still doing it. Whether or not he understood that he threw something at you isn't going to make the pain of that go away, but I do understand why you wish you could reach him and get him to understand.

Sorry that you're dealing with this, and I do really hope the situation has improved by now.

In general, I have seen people with Bipolar who are less aware of their situation when they are manic or angry. What I mean is, to them, being manic can be a high. Some people feel 'good' when they are manic, and when that happens they often stop taking medications because they 'don't need them'. What they find out, however, is that there is a steep drop off after that high manic stage, and when they get severely depressed that is when they jump back on the wagon and begin their medications again. That's not a healthy thing to do for yourself or your family, so it does take some introspection to realize this. When someone is very manic they may think that nothing is wrong with them at all because they are so high up there, and then they'll only realize that they are unstable once they hit the depressive stage. Reminding them of that may help aid them, but ultimately you can't 'make' him understand that, unfortunately.

Hope you post and update us on what happened/is happening.
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