Son a drug dealer: Crises: Extremely Depressed

My 18 year old son came to live with my husband and me after spending his childhood with a meth addicted bio. Father. We were so happy to finally get him back as we had tried several times during his life. We gave him a good home, love, medical and dental, rides to wherever he wanted, i helped him get through high school as he didn't care. I offered him couselling. He began to have drug problems last spring but we sent him to a psyche hospital for a few days and he seemed better. He had recently stolen my husband's truck all messed up on drugs and wrecked it. Two months later we gotna notice from our insurance company that a wreck was reported. It turns out my son hit a parked car while stealing my husband's truck. We had to pay the people off $2500.00 my son had a job and had managed to pay us back $400.00. Then he began never being at home or showing up at odd hours. I had talked my father into giving him a used car to get back and forth to community college. I had a gut feeling he wasn't going to work or school anymore so I called the college but they said I had to have a student number to check attendance as my son is 18. He happened to be crashed in his room after being gone three days so i checked his bookbag for the student number in his car. There were electronic cocaine scales and a shotgun in the trunk. I flipped out and woke him up and called my husband at work. My son ran out to the car and immediately another car rode up and I saw them transferring all the illegal stuff into that car. Then my son took off in his car with one of them. I yelled at the young thugs to get out of my neighborhood and one of them started mouthing off and coming toward me. The cops came, gave my son an intervention....he was messed up on crack, cocaine and heroin...we sent him to a nice 4 day detox, but I could tell he wasn't happy about it. While he was in detox i combed his cell phone and no less than 80 messages about him buying and selling drugs. He also pawned the laptop which he said he thought was his but had he asked us he knew the answer would have been no, that was for college. Anyway we laid down the rules when he came home from detox...no car for awhile or cell phone and no hanging out with any of the people I wrote down about drugs. Also that we would search him before he came in the house for drugs and as he was going out. Also he was to attend outpatient drug rehab. He said ...I can't do this...I am leaving. We told him not to go, that he was making a big mistake,that sobriety would be hard but he could do it. No, he said...I need to go. He has been over twice sence then to get his high school ring and his christening cup to pawn. We gave him his cell phone and car because the car was in his name.

I have been going to alanon and naranon. I pray all day long for everyone involved.

But I am extremely depressed. It's like I lost my baby and I had just gotten him back. I am learning not to enable him. We have had to get a security system because the cops said we were high risk because he's a dealer and they know where we live.

I have not cooked dinner in two weeks. i have lost weight and am not hungry. I am having panic attacks. I went to pdoc and am back on klonipin. He gave me lamictal but I don't want to take it because it made me fat and stupid. I have trouble getting up in the morning. I feel guilt, anger, self-pity, fear, loss...and
at times I hope he doesn't come back....because of the chaos he has caused when all I tried to do was help him get a new start.

My spiritual connection is all I have and the wonderful support from my husband and Mom. I am truly blessed.

Each day, i try to make myself do some housework. Today I emptied the garbage. But I don't know what direction tomgomin anymore . I know that I need to rest. i feel like I will die early. I wish we could move away. I fear my son will die or get locked up and there is nothing I can do. I have offered him support in his recovery but I will not help him or give him any money to be a drug addict/dealer. He has to hit bottom and any help I give is only hurting him.

I cry every day. I don't like to leave the house. I am beginning to read again.
Imjust don't understand but mynsponsor said...ifmyou did understand would it makeany difference? I guess not.

Imtried to make up lost time by being a good Mom. Even when he lived with his Dad I moved me and my husband four times across the country to have more visits but his Father made it impossible.

I teeterr between blaming me for everything which is rediculous and not true. I just need to start moving in a new direction. I am out of work due to an injury for two months. I may volunteer at the library but I don't have the energy to fill out the application. Everything is standing still.

Oh hun, that is awful. I really can't imagine what it would be like for your baby boy to turn into this! You must be hatefully angry over it!

You did not do anything wrong. It is not your fault. This is a heartbreak that millions of GOOD parents experience. I'm am sorry that you are in that group. My son is 4 and it is terrifying to think that he might start making poor choices in so few years. :(

Your son's choices do not reflect on you. You did not cause him to do this. You did not fail. You are not a bad mom.

(((((many hugs)))))
XOXO

How many of us had to crash - hard - before we would accept help? How hard was it for our friends and family to watch it? But they did the right thing by standing back and make us accept help and take responsibility for ourselves.

Yah, the Lord gives and the Lord takes away. Maybe you'll let Him take away the burden and responsibility of your son's actions? He is still your baby, but he is an independent man who will make his choices and pay the consequences himself.

Much sympathy
XOXO

Watching our children make mistakes is a horrible feeling.

But still being in contact will make a difference for both of you if that is possible.