Relationship trouble - update!

whoa whoa take a deep breath and exhale slowly do it 5 times. Close your eyes.

I'm old and stupid about computers...did he limit your time on it? Is he jealous of it ? or paranoid? Or does he think it might help you and He DOESN'T want that? What is the motivation? It is a GROSS invasion of you and your thoughts...
I assume he's like my hub, doesn't really want to talk about it, feelings, anger, fear etc, so you feel misunderstood and come here cause we get you-is that close? Can you override his wall?

I can't imagine what you'll say to him since I do not know his motivation. BUT going in with both guns blazing will put him on the defensive. You need to tell him calmly how violated you felt, ok?

No, take another dep breath
take care
Maggie

Sounds like a control freak to me. Tell him your company is restricted to 4 hours a day and only 2.5 hours of that can be devoted to conversation. That's a crummy answer, but I think what he did to you is plenty Scheety.

I went for a walk today figured out my "overreaction" - experience in a previous contorlling/abusive relationship. I printed out a couple of sites with "warning signs" of controlling and abusive relationships. Yup. MY gut was right. I am still so angry!

I really need someone to talk to. :(

I'm sorry I can't call you. But, the relationship sounds like there is potential for really big problems.

You have been in a relationship which you were controlled and abused. So you know how difficult it is to get out.

Your anger is justified. Limit your ex-fiance from doing something he enjoys. He can only watch TV or something, but for no more than 2.5 hours. He would get dangerous.

You have to much pain in your life to deserve this.You are too valuable to deserve this.

You see the symptoms, the signs. You can recognize them from before. You know what it is like, Please don't subject yourself to another dangerous time.

Cap

Wow, OK. Things did not go as planned.

I decided to leave him, the primary reason being he WON'T TALK. Our issues are so minor compared to every other couple I know, but they become impossible because he won't participate.

Saturday, I got my IRL support people together, rented a storage unit and a uhaul truck! Came home Sunday morning with the truck!! I got really emotional a few times because my son would get the worst deal of everyone involved.

I had about 1/2 the truck full and started boxing up my son's room. I got as far as taking down the curtains and my fiance fell apart. He really does love that little guy. :) He asked for a second chance and I spent the next hour + telling him I'm afraid, what if nothing changes, etc, etc.

He agreed to couples counseling, and we unpacked the truck. We talked a few minutes and I got to express that most of the problems HE has are because the lack of communication: he is even making himself unhappy. Also touched on bipolar a bit. He has a hard time getting over a mood swing. He doesn't know what is going on that well. He doesn't really GET that relapse is 100%. He didn't get that I enjoy more stability than most, that it's not just about taking meds and then you'll be fine.

Relationship is good enough to work on. ... now that he says he is participating.

I hope I'm not renting another truck next weekend. :/

Going to counseling on Thursday. :/ We did talk a little bit yesterday. I was trying to tell him that the recent stress was causing depression symptoms that I was fighting by staying active with friends. It took a few explanations before he "got" it.

Last night to, going to bed I grabbed for my vibrator which had nothing to do with sex drive, but for coping with SI urges. We've had a quite a bit of sex lately, so he went to stop me. I told him what/why. He commented that he thought SI was all about getting attention. So I told him a little bit about how I had accidentally started, no one found out for 2+ years, and I did it regularly for 8+. I couldn't stop! He ended up "taking care of me" and I was able to sleep without doing anything stupid I would regret.

This morning I am in a normal mood. I hope it stays. I need to hide away the boxes so the house looks completely normal when my son comes home tomorrow.

I'm not ready to unpack all the way. Last night I told him I was nervous about our counseling session, because I didn't know what to expect and I was afraid my therapist would scare him away and that would be the end. He expressed not wanting to go, and I rolled over on top and said "I still haven't unpacked my things" I could "see" his eyebrows go up in the dark and he said with a touch of humor, "so that's how it's going to be?" Yup.

A lot of talking for one evening, but nothing pressured or stressful. I thought it was good. Still nervous for Thursday. I had a long heart-to-heart with myself and singled out 5 thing I need therapy to address.

I have the password to my computer now, but with all the fuss of moving, we can't find the power cord! I'm on his computer today, and will try to stay in touch on here until I'm back online with my own computer.

Tortoise, I only just saw this thread as I'm not here much anymore. He really overstepped the mark and I'm so proud of you for having the courage to define those boundaries. You've given the relationship the best chance of surviving. Now it is up to the other half to start relating, with the guidance from a counsellor about how to relate. Just because we have mental illness doesn't mean we are automatically wrong in relationships. You certainly didn't overreact. I know I struggle deep down with thinking all relationship issues are "my fault" and I must have done something "deserve" bad treatment- a carry over from an abusive childhood. So I'm here to reassure you, your anger was there to protect you and it did a good job - it was entirely justified. Your fiance has major respect and boundary issues that he needs to work out for the r/ship to survive, otherwise he will continue to be abusive to both you and your son. I'm not here to bag out the man you love, Tortoise. I believe he is a very good man who loves you and is trying his very best in life. I think he complements you well, he's just got some issues to work on, like we all do. I think the success will lie in him overcoming any lack of insight that he is human and has foibles to work on just like the rest of us. I think he could need quite intensive individual counselling along with the couples counselling. Repairing a relationship once the wheels have fallen off can be tricky, but it can also be a new start with clear focus on what needs to change in the relationship. It's also not a linear process and it is so hard to know if each relapse as they happen are deal breakers. It seems like you have a shared vision on how you are going to heal the relationship; but he's got a very painful scary journey ahead as he starts "Emotion Kindergarten" alongside your Phd in Emotion. Given that he seems to have such issues with power and control, respect and intrinsic value, he may feel a bit emasculated by the counselling process, but he'll have to get over himself if he's going to keep you. He will have to deal with all the painful emotions that he tries to escape by intellectualisation. Once he can learn to sit with his own emotions he will be able to sit with the emotions of others. He doesn't seem to be comfortable with the normal range of emotions in other. You are a blessing in disguise for him. Through you, he will become a whole person; rather than a cranium on a body. Most people with that going on "Aggressive" and "Passive Aggressive" types usually have a deep insecurity underlying any superiority complex. That it took you to be physically moving out for him to listen to you is concerning. It seems he might have only been able to listen and absorb your feelings when he started having emotions himself. His ability to feel empathy looks like it might need to be dialled up a bit, but being comfy with his own emotions is prolly a first step in the process? I've just rambled out the sense I have... take what might help, leave what doesn't help. I wish the three of you all the very best of health, love and happiness. Jade xxx

I took today and tomorrow off of work. I cancelled piano lessons.  Cancelled supporting a friend for going to court.  (Really, it is just a restraining order and she has a solid case.  Not really a big deal, except in her head.)  I'm trying to remove the stress that I can control.

I am overwhelmed and not getting anything done.  I am feeling very lost. I don't want to get anything out get involved in any projects, get absorbed in a book. Anything that could be suddenly cut off after a bad therapy session tomorrow.

I am not doing so well today.

Post Edited (tortoise11) : 10/26/2011 9:34:07 AM (GMT-6)

I got my fiance to pick up my son from the bus and bring him home, do lunch. I took a nap. I feel better. Maybe I'll carve a pumpkin today.

I'm sorry you are having a tough time Tortoise:( Can you PM on this site? You can phone me if you want if things get too overwhelming.

Yay, he went without conplaining, and after the session he said he could see the value in it, that he could come again, and it was not as bad as going to the dentist. (lol, 3 days again it was worse than being homeless).

Whew.

So we're both supposed to work on being more considerate - act more like the other is a guest. He is supposed to think about my intent before getting frustrated/angry. I am supposed to work on being assertive so that his actions don't feel controlling.

I also didn't know how hard it is for him to deal with the mental illness stuff, even though I am mostly stable. I didn't realize my anxiety was affecting him that much. Sad, since that is the one thing most difficult to control.