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Need advice on living with BiPolar Wife?

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Posted 11/5/2007 11:10 PM (GMT 0)

New Member

Hi,

I'm on here looking for answers and support after my boyfriend of a year and a half broke up with me last night yet again. He has BD. I'm sure he'll eventually come crawling back, but at this point I need to be strong enough to refuse to take him back unless he goes for counseling (he especially needs cognitive therapy to learn how to better handle stress, conflict, etc), which I can't see him doing...but maybe someday he'll reach a point where he has nothing left to lose and is willing to give it a try. He's been very good about taking his meds (lithium--currently Eskalith) for the 20 years since his diagnosis, so the problem here is more of a behavioral nature (needing to learn new ways of relating to people and dealing with people/things).

At this point I don't know whether I should even consider taking him back (and possibly marrying him someday) if he is willing to try counseling, or if it's a lost cause and I'm better moving on for the sake of my own mental health and that of my young childrens', as some friends and family believe I should.

Many of these posts described exactly what I've been through and thus have been very helpful and enlightening (such as the person who described the jekyll and hyde, loves me one day, hates me the next etc (although I thought that was a symptom of borderline personality disorder and am not sure I'd ever heard it in relation to bipolar?).

One of the problems is that he does not want me to tell anyone he has BD. After dealing with the stigma and negative reactions in the past, he's built a new life where his friends and coworkers don't know, and I'm not supposed to tell anyone (including my own friends or family, even those he'll never meet or come in contact with), which has been very hard on me when I need support and can't talk to anyone because no one's supposed to know. He's finally built a protective fortress around himself and surrounded himself with people who don't know and that security he's built for himself is being threatened by me. He says that makes me the "weak link" in his life and he can't have that happen so he needs to eliminate that weak link (me), I think he's afraid the house of cards he's built around himself where no one knows (thus he no longer has to worry/wonder what people are thinking/saying about him behind his back, since no one knows) will come crumbling down. So he feels threatened and exposed. He would probably not even consider reconciling with me unless I agreed to continue protecting him and his secret. This isn't to say no one in his life knows about it or that I don't have ANYONE I can talk to about it, but it is not allowed to be discussed in his presence nor does he want it discussed at all in general.

I'm just trying to figure this all out and figure out whether there's any potential here or not. I do love him very much and he's a great person, but I know I can't do this anymore unless something changes.

Thanks.

Posted 11/6/2007 4:56 AM (GMT 0)
Hi Diviyuro,

It's great to have you on the forum, but you've tacked your post onto a very old thread that no one checks much any more. I'm going to move your post to a new thread on the main page, so make sure you check that thread too. Welcome, and I hope you find the support and friendship you're looking for here.

serafena.
Posted 4/6/2008 4:12 PM (GMT 0)
  I've been married for 10 yrs, the first 2 were hell, I knew nothing about Depression, I couldn't believe someone could be mad for no reason. I did everything I could think of to please her. The more I did the worst it got. She wanted me to feel like her (her words) and it worked I lost 30 lbs from pure stress.  No remorse either, like hatred to the soul. Over the years things got better, pretty smooth, she was on meds. but still have to be careful what you say, especially trick questions that she will know what your normal answer would be, neg. to her, so she could release all that pressure and anxiety lurking beneath and lash out at you. The smallest neg. remark or answer would result in a sea of hell for days. Like walking into a nest of Timber Rattlers and razor wire. I love her very much, when she is normal, she is a super nice person, and nobody else can believe she could be this way.

Troubles now are brewing again with hormones and bipolar, I've got my 5 point harness on, lately its been pretty brutal, lets see, like a barbed wire tornado. It would make me feel a little better if she just said, "sorry for my actions" but no remorse, like you deserved it. The only way I can survive is to observe this as a test or project or something. Because there is no reasoning here, like trying to reason with the Taliban.  I do love her and have never been abusive in anyway, I just like to hear they are other people out there like me, I hope my descriptions were humorous is a way and maybe accurate to some, I still need advice though. She is going in for meds this week, but is not hopeful, because she says the recovery rate is slim. And suicide is a topic.

                                   Thanks USA1

Post Edited (USA1) : 4/6/2008 10:08:33 PM (GMT-6)

Posted 4/6/2008 9:20 PM (GMT 0)
need to be moved such an old thread..
Posted 4/7/2008 3:46 AM (GMT 0)

Hello,USA,

Welcome to healingwell and the bipolar forum. I hope you find the support that you are looking for.

This original post was started a very long time ago. I am going to move yours to a New Post titled, "New Member USA1" so that it gets the attention that it needs. Try looking for this new post for any responses.

Sincerely, Sukay

Posted 10/26/2008 3:38 PM (GMT 0)
Lukavets,

I edited out this post because you posted it in a new thread, and Forum Rule # 16. is No duplicate posts.

Thanks,
serafena

Post Edited By Moderator (serafena) : 10/26/2008 2:38:49 PM (GMT-6)

Posted 4/19/2009 9:50 PM (GMT 0)
I AM STUCK IN AN ABUSIVE RELATIONSHIP WITH MY BI POLAR WIFE.  FOR SOME REASON I KEEP TAKING THE ABUSE.  LAST NIGHT SHE WAS A LITTLE DRUNK AND EVE PUNCHED ME IN THE FACE TWICE.  AM I FOOL BECAUSE I KEEP COMMING BACK.I THINK PART OF IT IS SHE HAS DESTROYED MY SEL ESTEEM AND DONT FEEL I WILL FIND SOMEONE ELSE. 
Posted 4/20/2009 12:30 AM (GMT 0)
Hi GSAVA1,

It's time for you to start thinking about your options seriously. You need to get some help of your own and let her worry about herself. Abuse is abuse. There is no excuse for it, bipolar or not. You shouldn't put up with it. The longer you do, the worse it will get. Please don't take it. Here is a crisis phone number you can use to get ideas on how to proceed.

National Domestic Violence Hotline 1-800-799-SAFE (7233) or 1-800-787-3224 (TTY) – A crisis intervention and referral phone line for domestic violence. (Texas Council on Family Violence)

Look into some counseling ASAP to help you begin to face those self-esteem issues and face the decision you know you have to make.

Good luck,
serafena

(ps. Please do not type in all caps, it denotes yelling.)
Posted 7/14/2010 2:14 AM (GMT 0)
I need some help and advise.

I've been with my wife for two years now. I love her dearly. But everytime i do something wrong she kicks me out of the house. We filed for divorce 4 months after we got married. After being away from me for 3 weeks she came looking for me and we talked and worked things out. Its been a year now and here i am again, getting ready for a divorce because she kicked me out again.

When i try and talk to her she shuts me out and ignores me for days. I tell her i love her lets try and make it work and i feel like that just makes her angry.

She says one thing and means another. She told me about a month ago that she would rather argue with me for the rest of our life than be without me. She also has told me that just because she says she wants a divorce doesnt mean she wants one.

I am so darn confussed i feel like i'm bipolar.

Posted 7/14/2010 2:21 AM (GMT 0)
I am going through the same thing with my wife. She has kicked me out and filed for divorce twice in a year only to crawl back. Here i am again getting kicked out. But i keep going back, am i a fool. I woild really like to talk to someone and have support. If you want to talk you can call me. 720 290 1211. I could use the help right now. I thought her and i were doing good and then BAM....i didnt do what she wanted and now she wants a divorce and i have to move again.
Posted 7/14/2010 3:44 AM (GMT 0)
Stop going back! It just keeps going & escalates over time.....If it were me I'd be gone!!!
Posted 3/6/2011 6:36 PM (GMT 0)
Hello,

I am new to this forum and somewhat new to the bipolar disorder as well.  I do not know a lot about bipolar at all, but I would like to learn.  I am however limited in my free time to read so I was first wondering of any suggestions that would be more helpful than others in the line of books or websites that my help me to learn more about it, and also to learn about living with a partner that has it and what I can do to make her life easier and ultimately for us to enjoy a better life together. 

I am a middle aged man married to a slightly younger woman that has bipolar.  We have been married for about 7 months and have known each other for about 7 years.  My wife is an absolutely wonderful person  (I love her to death)  that has very much to offer to everyone around her, (myself included) but some things seem to be getting in the way of that.  I have struggled severely in my relationship with my wife for quite some time, now to the point that it is causing emotional and mental problems for myself.  Although this is not the only reason I am struggling now, I feel it is a big factor.  My wife was not aware of this disorder she had until a couple years into our relationship and she now has medication and some help with it in the lines of counciling.  She feels that it is helping her, but I honestly do not see a change hardly at all, which is of course grounds for an argument.  In addition to that help, her and I both seek marital counceling together to try to resolve our issues, however neither seem to help enough and we still spend much time in confrontation and arguments that tend to get very out of control and last sometimes several days.   She always tells me that it is that her and I that do not work together, but I know in my heart that this bipolar is a contributing factor.  I really love my wife and I want to help her more than she knows, I really do.  However, all my efforts seem to result in the same argument and I feel that I always end up looking like the bad guy, when I just want us to get along like we used to and I want to help.  Every time I try to talk to her about bipolar, we end up argueing and she will exit the conversation.  I think that this is due to her discomfort as well as my inability to successfully engage in the conversation in the way that she needs me to.  She is currently on lithium and I do not see very little if any change from when she was on nothing to be honest.  She has trouble sleeping, and we have runs where we cannot get along at all sometimes for days.  We argue sometimes twice a week and have discussed divorce several dozen times over our short 7 month marriage, she is usually the one bringing this up.  I can't take anymore and I need some help.  I have tried every way I know of to resolve these issues and none have worked for us.  She will spend sometimes hours durring the day in our bedroom just laying in bed sad and depressed.  I will try to go in and be supportive, but it usually ends up with her getting upset with me and us argueing more than we already were.  Our arguments usually begin by some small situation being blown out of proportion, then several hours argueing, then her being very sad and depressed and feeling like she is a horrible person.  Is this normal for bipolar or something else completely different?  I know that she is suffering, but I cant even figure out how to be able to talk to her, approach her or begin to help in the situation.  I feel that no matter how I try, I am unsuccessful and do not know of any other ways to accomplish this.  I am emotionally drained, so completely sick of being approached about talking (Threatening) of divorce from her, and mentally tired I just can't handle anymore and I feel as though I may loose it.  She swears to me that bipolar is not the cause of our issues, and I know that this is very possibly true, however I also know it is a contributing factor.  I also know that if she were to feel better, we both would be in a much better place.  I just don't know how to get there.  I dont even know where to begin with her in this realtionship to get some much needed help. 

I have read the posts in this thread and I did see many things similar to my relationship with my wife in other peoples comments here.  I have to say that reading this post made me feel a little better.  I have recently been getting to the point that I am questioning myself, my mental stability and my decisions due to all this termoil and it is good to see that maybe I am not losing my mind.  That maybe there are reasons for what is happening and that it is not all my fault. 

So, I guess what I am looking for is first some advise on where to go to learn about bipolar that is an informative knowledgable site or book if anyone has any advise on this.  I also am looking for, possibly a womans advise, on how I can effectively approach these problematic situations with my wife and what is the best (for her), most comforting, nonconfrontational way to go about this.  I guess, I am just really looking for someone educated in these matters to help me out in this situation I am in.  I'd really appreciate anything anyone has to offer me.  

Thank you for taking the time to read my lengthy writings and for any replies to follow.  I appreciate it more than you know.  

Posted 3/9/2011 2:58 AM (GMT 0)
I AM IN ROUGH SHAPE. MY BIPOLAR WIFE OF 7 YEARS HAS TOLD ME SHE IS FILING FOR DIVORCE. SHE HAS THREATENED MANY TIMES DUE TO HER ILLNESS BUT NEVER MENTIONED HAVING PAPERS FILED. I HAVE ALWAYS FOCUSED ON TAKING CARE OF HER AND NEVER TOOK CARE OF MYSELF. THE SCARY THING IS MY FRIEND ASKED ME WHAT SHE HAS DONE FOR ME LATELY AND I COULDNT THINK OF ONE THING. BUT, SHE HAS EMOTIONALLY BEAT ME DOWN SO MUCH OVER THE YEARS THAT MY SELF ESTEEM/ SELF WORTH HAS BEEN DESTOYED. SHE EMOTIONALLY BEAT ME DOWN TO MAKE HERSELF FEEL BETTER. HOW DO I REBUILD AND KNOW IF ITS HEALTHIER FOR ME TO MOVE ON? REALLY WISH THERE WAS SOMEONE THAT I COULD TALK TO FEEL LIKE MY WORLD IS CRUMBLING.
Posted 3/9/2011 3:01 PM (GMT 0)
I am totally confused. Can you guys please start your own thread rather than adding onto this 3 year old one? I can't keep the stories stright and everyone's advice gets all mixed up.
Posted 3/31/2011 3:49 PM (GMT 0)
I Googled "bipolar wife" and came across this post after I think I just witnessed yet another "episode" today. My wife has never been diagnosed with any mental illness or anything but I have always suspected that she is bipolar. I even suspected it before I married her. However, I love her dearly and she is a great person otherwise. I haven't always been so nice to her when she's going through one of her episodes but that's probably because I had no idea what was going on. Even today I lost it because she was telling me "**** you" and "**** off" when I was trying to talk her down. I even left work to go talk to her and I was very upset and all she could do was keep repeating "I don't care" over and over again. I even called her a "psycho *****" cry. She is easily set off by stressful situations or if something doesn't go the way she wants it to. She is also set off by thinking she let herself or me down. She starts internally self-loathing; if it happens that she feels bad about lazing around and letting the house get into a messy state, she goes into what I call a "cleaning frenzy" and is in a crapty mood and won't talk during the entire process. She even lashes out at me now during these episodes because I've always gotten mad at her for it because I didn't understand. For some reason I can't just let her go off and be like that even though I know it won't last as long if I leave her alone, especially if she's lashing out at me too. I read your post and some responses and I think I can pretty much assume my wife is bipolar. She has all the tell-tale signs I think. When she's feeling like she needs to "get out", her solution is shopping or we go get a hotel room somewhere and spend all my money. I have three maxed out credit cards with her that I stopped paying when I got laid off last year; two of them have gone to collections. She manipulates me into spending money all the time and then when we run out of money she gets mad. She doesn't work and doesn't get along with people at normal jobs. She taught music lessons from our home before we had to move when I got a new job and that made her happy because she didn't have to work with any type of bureaucratic bullcrap. Now we have a 7 month old son and she's messing up his and my sleep schedule because she prefers to stay up late with him and then sleep until as late as 11 or 12 the next day. The hard part is getting her to actually realize that she has a problem and do something about it. She was supposed to go to a therapist this morning to talk about supposed PTSD from her traumatic birth (which I do believe she has), but the bipolar disorder is a totally different issue that I don't think she fully realizes that she's always had. She is going to reschedule, and I have an appointment with the same therapist next week (I think I'm going nuts dealing with a bipolar wife), so maybe I'll mention something to them and they could possibly gently suggest she goes to a real psychiatrist for her possible bipolar disorder. Anyway, sorry to trample on your post with my problems, but I'm at wits end here.
Posted 10/24/2011 7:48 PM (GMT 0)
I know how this man feels all too well, try going to the link below there is some good literature and a few books that I purchased that gave me the tools necessary to regain my relationship with my bipolar wife! Hang in there it gets better!
http://www.bipolar-spouse.com

I hope this site can help check out the recommended books to read.
Posted 6/17/2012 10:35 AM (GMT 0)
Hello everyone I'm trying to find out what category my wife falls into she had a. Car accident 6yrs ago she is my first love I found her 3 yrs ago after 10 yrs of looking for for her, didn't know she was efected in her brain from car accident until last yr when she had multiple seizures, she has mood swings n like the peopleS wife's that r bp she's a mind manipulator I live with a investigator she instigates everything it was qute in the beginning but now I see it is very unnormal her mother has a lot of her symptoms aswell so she is not one to help me find a cure for her bipolar disorder I watch them argue an cry on each other about the most smallest. Issues I had to separate her from her mother cuz she was not helping her bp I had her in hospital for another seizure recently n I called over a psychiatrist to evaluate her n give her some Meds for her bp but she out smarted both of us she made me leave the room for her privacy an then talked the psychiatrist into evaluate her another day she told me the psychiatrist gave her Meds which was not true I found out the next day she was only taking the seizure Meds,,my mother just had a stroke I bring my wife with me to visit her n watch over her aswell,my wife's bp was getting worse closer she got to her cycle she would warn me before she would get those mood swings, we got thru the first cycle extremely difficult I barely made it thru that 4 days period I actualy checked into a hospital that night n signed myself out cuz she was alone in the car,I just recently started taking prednisone so my boiling point was really quick aswell that 4days, so things where fine again just a little OCD thru the the month until she felt another one coming she said, she cried this time for 2 days straight an got really pisst off at me about anything just like she was looking for argument,we was runing erons around town when she told me to turn on my business phone n I replied fine let's do that some how she started arguing with me about this me short tempered from prednisone I argued back ending in her beating me up while I'm driving I hit her trying to restrain her hands til the car stoped n got her home she ripped my glasses off my face an stomped on them my overwhelmess from that thru me into rage an I hit her for the first time in my life I kicked her right in the ass it was like a 3 yr relief in a way but the whole thing is I can't put up with her anymore n I scared that this is making me mentally unstable an I am scared I might hurt her aswell but love her very much an I intend to find a cure for her or at least help I can't give up so easy I waited my whole life for her so that being said what is your opinion does anybody know how to help? I deal with lies that she takes the Meds n I deal with her out smarting me when it comes to seeing a psychiatrist n sexualy she never wants it n I get frustration from it having to be a certain way or time from the OCD n I have turned impAtient from her or something like it N she does not understand whatsoever please help
Posted 6/17/2012 4:28 PM (GMT 0)
We can't be everything to everyone. This forum is for people experiencing bipolar disorder. While we do appreciate and respond to questions for non-bipolar family, friends, and partners, we will not be able to respond to non-bipolar members coming here for personal support, venting, ranting, or complaining about another person's bipolar symptoms.

The change is reflected in our "Members: Please Read Before You Post" thread: https://www.healingwell.com/community/default.aspx?f=13&m=883428 I have copied the content of that post here:

This forum is for support for people experiencing bipolar disorder. This forum is a safe, anonymous environment for people with bipolar disorder to freely discuss their struggles and symptoms. It is not a support group for friends and family of bipolar disorder. Living with someone who suffers from bipolar disorder presents a set of problems all its own. There are groups for this at other sites:

NAMI's Online Communities

And one for family and friends at Pendulum.org

And the Family & Friends of Bipolar Support Group at Daily Strength.

Posts that are perceived to be venting, ranting, or complaining about another person's bipolar disorder symptoms will not be tolerated. Offensive posts will be edited or removed, replaced with the resource links above, and be locked to prevent discussion. Objective and compassionate posts will remain and it will be at our member's personal discretion whether or not they chose to answer.

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