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husband of bipolar 2 wife NEED HELP

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Posted 8/4/2009 10:14 PM (GMT 0)
Well, I'm glad I found this board. I have no one to speak to. I am an American and I moved to Brazil 7 years ago to become a professional fighter. I am also a Type 1 diabetic so its been rough on me as well. I met a wonderful girl who seemed to have strange anger fits but accepted my diabetes, me, and made me happy. Over the cours eof the years she began to have the usual type 2 histrionics and we were in counseling which at the very least saved our marriage. We moved to the US (which I told her we were going to do come hell or high water I'm not living in Brazil for the rest of my life) and until this December it was a nightmare. An absolute psychotic nightmare

We found a great doctor in NY who put her on Lamictal and it was like I finally found "her." It was her, the woman I love without all of the insanity. She has had a tragic life. Her mother died when she was a child, her family is very poor from a small city here in Brazil, and her father died 7 months into our relationship. 3 months ago her sister died as well. 20 years later to the day that her mother died. She was dealing with it well until suddenly she began acting strange. she informed me that she was off her "meds" (lamictal) and that she wanted to prove that she was strong enough to get over things. So she's finally being productive et all but she is unaware of her, well, craziness. Its noticeable to everyone but her.

I feel like a widow. After being with her under control and finally having a name for the condition, I feel alone, like someone else has taken her place. She told me if she starts to feel bad she will go back to taking her medicine and I hope she does. She becomes VERY offended when I suggest that she take her medicine and blames me for "trying to bring her down."

I have decided that I do want to stay married to her. I have one friend who left his borderline wife and I consider bp 2 to be closer to diabetes, a chronic but treatable condition, than borderline which doesn't seem to have any solution. I also feel as if I have no choice. I am afraid to be alone with my diabetes and not just that, I actually do love her with all my heart(feels so strange to be saying it all out loud).

I'm so afraid of what could happen. I don't know what to do. I want to tell people what she has so that they don't just think "she's crazy" but she would consider that a betrayal. It hurts me to see people thinking of her as nuts, when I know what her situation really is. Even if I did leave her, she literally has NO ONE else. I don't feel like it's an option. As time goes on I am feeling more and more insecure as I fear she will never be well and I will be alone forever. Please, for the love of god, someon give me some advice, a kind word, a similiar story. I just want to be succesful, have children, a dog, a happy life with her. Am I insane.
Posted 8/4/2009 10:46 PM (GMT 0)
No, it may make you feel so, but that is what many of us that are the spouses of someone that really needs help.

Your support is necessary, even when things are really down, and you feel like giving up.... keep that support alive. However, if you cannot convince your wife to seek help, cannot get help for yourself (which is advisable) then only you can decide when to "pull the pin".

I've been there, my wife departed 4 months ago, while in a severe manic phase.... and I"ve learned how to cope with the help of this forum, and by reading as much as I could about the disorder. Family and friends have assisted me in this journy, and I've learned much and experienced much.

If you are willing to continue for the long haul...then by all means educate yourself, and learn as much as you can. Be there when she needs you, coach when she accepts it.... stay the course, if you truly love her.

My wife and I have a long history, we are over 50, and did not live/marry together for many years... much was a lifestyle adjustment for her, and that didn't help. But she understands after being gone for 4 months, that the one that truly loves her is me.

It has been hard, and taken a LOT of strength and determination, but if the one you love is worth it, you'll understand, and help all you can. There is no cure.... you two just have to understand and learn to help each other.... Love will conquor in the end, if you really love your wife..... I do mine.... Those vows, don't come lightly....

Good luck, and you have my thoughts.... stay the course....
Posted 8/4/2009 10:51 PM (GMT 0)
Depart????

depart the earth? Or the marriage? Both are terrible. I send my sincerest regards to you and my prayers. So you think I should stick it out then??????? When she is well I LOVE her company. I love her to death.

Do you think she and I have a chance at making it?
Posted 8/4/2009 11:48 PM (GMT 0)
What it sounds like you need is some good therapy, for yourself and for both of you. Having a good therapist, besides just a doctor or pdoc to prescribe meds is so beneficial. You could use one on one therapy to not only deal with the issues concerning your wife, but also your feelings concerning your own health. And having a third unbiased party explain to her that bipolar is a lifetime...and therefore so are the meds....would help her too. Being in the therapy environment would give you a neutral ground to bring up the fact that she is showing signs and others are noticing.

That is one thing that is important in my household. It is mainly up to my husband to let me know about my behavior. Because the nature of the disease makes it impossible to be self-regulating 100%. Once your wife realizes that she must be on medication for the rest of her life...but to see it as a godsend instead of a sentence...she will be much better off. I like my life now, and I will do anything, and change to any medication to always be feeling as healthy and happy as possible. There are always the rough times I know...but I also know it will get better.
Posted 8/5/2009 4:39 AM (GMT 0)
You absolutely need to stick it out Sabado, there is a chance. She maybe needs a new doc and some therapy, but there is hope. There is always hope with this disorder. If one med isn't cutting it, maybe a different one will. Don't give up on her yet. She is there, she loves you and she needs you. Ask for her cooperation. Make a plan together. Do it TOGETHER, make her feel a part of it and not something that is being done TO her, and that should help.

serafena
Posted 8/5/2009 2:34 PM (GMT 0)
Safado,
Welcome to HW! I am the wife of someone who suffers from BP (the mania side not the depression side). Your wife has been through a tough time and I feel for her but now more than ever she should be taking her meds. You can calmly talk to her and remind her that she doesn't have to do prove that she is strong because you know she is being that she has overcome so much in her life. Let her know that you also think she is strong because she admits that she needs help and DOES something about it - such as seeing a therapist and taking her meds.

You mentioned that you have Type I Diabetes. Perhaps you can use your experiences to talk to her about how important medication is when you have a managable lifelong condition. Ask her how she would feel if you just stopped taking your insulin and ignored your dietary restrictions? As you said, they are both lifelong conditions but they are also very managable.

YES! You should absolutely stick with your wife. But like someone upthread said, you need to learn everything you can about BP (from reputable sources only - check the top of the page on the BP main page). I would also suggest getting your own therapist. It is SO very hard on us spouses and we need a place to just vent and talk to someone who is objective but knowledgeable about BP. But more importantly, tell your wife how much you love her and want to spend the rest of your life with her. Let her know that you are in this together but you need her to uphold her end of the bargain (taking meds and seeing a therapist). If she's afraid to go to a therapist, tell her you will go with her as support.

Are you going to make it? I wonder that myself sometimes because marriage is really hard and BP doesn't make it any easier. I tell my husband that we are a team and in order to make it, we need to stick together, support each other and talk honestly. I wish you the best as it seems that you truly love your wife.

Come here often - it's a great resource and will help you and your wife.

Good luck!

BPWife
Posted 8/6/2009 3:52 AM (GMT 0)
I have tried to go off my meds several times, because I was able to be without them for long before I was properly diagnosed, and by the goddess I was going to beat this thing!

And then I realized it's not possible - after withdrawals, emotional craziness, and a hospitalization. BP is totally comparable to diabetes - except for one thing: BP is in the mind, which is a very intangible thing that we only think we have total control over. Wanting to go off meds, anger at suggestions to go back on - all of this is a part of the disease. It's not her.

Try to find a good psychologist or psychotherapist. Talk therapy has amazing benefits! And it is a part of complete treatment, beyond just drugs. For example, I see my psychiatrist only once every three months, unless something major happens. But I see my psychologist every 2 weeks. And it has made all the difference.
Posted 8/8/2009 8:08 PM (GMT 0)
You are absolutely right. She has used the word superacao (Portuguese for conquering something) a few million times a day. It hurts me because I deal with it all day long and it hurts me when other people notice and sort of snicker about it. I know they are talking behind my back and it hurts.


Worst is - I miss her. Its her now, sort of. After she started taking medication I realized how much I loved her and how good a person she is for me. When she stopped the meds, it was like she was possesed and Im dealing with whatever took her over. I wonder how long it will be before she realizes she needs the meds and whether or not it ends up in disaster. It feels like Im waiting for the earthquake I just don't know what day it's coming

THANK YOU FOR ALL THE SUPPORT!!!!! blush
Posted 8/10/2009 5:29 AM (GMT 0)
safado,

Don't leave. You can help the real her to come back.

I know just how you feel. My mom has BP II and I have felt "I can't stand this anymore", "This is insane", "I want my mom back". Without treatment her behavior was so unusual that I was once asked if I was her legal guardian.

Tell her you love her and miss her and need her. Ask her to let the doctors help her conquor this thing. Explain your thoughts about her BP being the same thing as your Diabetes. They are both chemical imbalances that need to be treated with medicine and actively managed for the rest of your lives. You both need to learn to avoid things that will trigger problems and use medicines to replace what your body is not producing. Neither of you can conquor these conditions without medicine and medical help.

As others have said, I think you would find it very helpful to have a therapist for yourself. Try to find one that really understands BP. You can ask questions, bounce ideas around and get input. It's like having a coach.

The medicines help the chemical imbalance, but anybody who has been through what your wife or my mom has been through has a lot of bad feelings about themselves. This is where their therapist can help.

Hang in there. Learn more. It really can get better again.
Posted 8/16/2009 7:20 PM (GMT 0)
safado

I have stuck it out for 4 years and it is tough, my wife has crohn's disease to go with it. She will not seek help for the bipolar disorder no one can see the bipolar except myself, Her doctor knows but can not force treatment. The kids (teenage girls) know mom is not right. She has filed for n a divorce which only she can stop but she thinks that is fix all. You are not alone when you read other peoples posts, sometimes life is not fair. I hope you well that your wife can see doctors for help

shakehead  

Posted 10/4/2011 10:24 PM (GMT 0)
Hello everybody,
I'm new here- and I'm in Safado's boat. I have been married about 15 years with a great woman who has suffered much and has Bipolar II. She has done therapy and is on medication. Thank Gd, things are more or less stable- but it's still hard! She is low-energy, and low-happiness. I want to stick in this, what can I do?
Posted 10/5/2011 8:49 AM (GMT 0)
I am sure that my husband could echo many of your posts. I stay on my medicine, and have a therapist but slip into the disease very often.

yesterday was a bad day and I need to tell my husband I am sorry.
Posted 11/2/2011 7:20 PM (GMT 0)
Hey there, So sorry to hear about your diabetes and your wife's BP episodes... there are alot of things that you can do to offer help to your wife and for yourself. First and foremost I hope that your wife is seeking the correct professional medical attention that she needs to create a baseline of stability, even then though there will be episodes you will have to deal with. My wife is bipolar as well, I have found a site that has helped me out tremendously and there are a few E-books that you should really consider purchasing that have saved my marriage and helped me Cope with my wife through different techniques that are actually very cool.. Below is the link to I think 3 of the best books I have ever read! Knowledge is king when it comes to mental illness! Best of luck!

http://www.bipolar-spouse.com/bipolarSpouseInfoLinks.html

 

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