HealingWell
Search Close Search
☰

am I bipolar your thoughts appreciated

Support Forums
>
Bipolar Disorder
✚ New Topic ✚ Reply
❬ ❬ Previous Thread |Next Thread ❭ ❭
Posted 2/14/2012 5:40 PM (GMT 0)
Hiya all, I wish I had found this site long ago. I was diagnosed bi polar 10 years ago after a manic episode. I had had a number of high stress factors in my life for 2 years prior, begining with mothers death, I then met my current partner fell in love, gave up job, house, and all I knew to move in with him 50 mile away. I spent the next 9 months in limbo wondering how to get close to him. He behaved abysmally virtually ignoring me unless he wanted something. His anger and irritability was horrendous. I was aware he had issues but felt I was strong enough to asorb it all, but it was worse than I thought, and I wasn't. I love him unconditionally I know now that he suffers depression and lacks coping mechanisms and can fly into a rage at anything even what he thinks I'm thinking. At that time I just thought it was me but refused to be drawn into the depression so I meditated for hours on end, just to keep my spirits up. I say I love him unconditionally but if I was living with him I needed to feel he wanted me to be with him, otherwise I would move on still loving him. He was adamant in his better nature that I stay. This confused the hell out of me and resulted in me having a manic phase which of course he could not cope with. my mania lasted few weeks I was full of love(not of a sexual nature) for all, even told my psych that he looked as though he needed more love in his life.
As my partner could not cope they hospitalised me to make me take meds
(I never did take). That was in 2002 during the next eight years I battled on in the belief that love overcomes all, no meds and a very aggressive partner verbally abusive and childish and if I retaliated he would get physically abusive (pushing, shoving, strangling, spitting in face oh a very nasty piece of work at his worst) The physical violence stopped about three years ago when I told him in no uncertain terms that he would never lay a hand on me aggressively again or he would suffer the consequences, it worked since then the worst has been a full ashtray over my head and water thrown over me, he has childish tantrums.
The 2nd and last time 2010 I had a manic phase that was dangerous. I was trying to get help from the mental health team to for me to cope with my partners mood, we had decided to call it a day and were both in agreement but days later he twisted it all again yo-yoing. No-one not even I realised how bad things were and one night I took off in the car and crashed it. It all felt dreamlike and you can do anything in your dreams I had no intention of dying or hurting myself. I had my dogs in the car with me it was all on a whim I shut my eyes at about 60mph, stupidity, the car was a total write off but me and the dogs got out and walked home in very good spirits, utter and total madness.
Another stay in hospital but this time I had no fear, that makes a big difference I took the meds and still take 2.5mg olanzapine daily even though my psych said a year ago I could come off if I wished I feel it safer for the moment. My partner went to docs and been on antideps till last month when he came off them, so stepping on eggshells a bit again.
This sounds like a nightmare and at the time was but in retrospect I have learned so much by the experience if I am bipolar I am glad of it, it has made me look at myself and change my perceptions I definately think of myself as one of the lucky ones (but there again I dont get the debilitating depression)
I am and always have been very open and through the last 10 years have become who I wish to be (could do with a little more confidence) Finding myself seemed to be what it was all about, I suffered quite severe shame looking back over the years and seeing all the excuses I gave for some of my behaviour, I could always blame someone else then. I also feel humbled by the knowledge I have gained because knowing me and who I was I can find the love and compassion for anyone else and who they are.

Im not by any means perfect and would not want to be, where is the fun in that, Ive just learnt a way that goes gently with me. I know my partner is afraid and hides behind his battlements and sense of self but he is also loving and kind at heart.

Rambled on a bit, therapeutic. I get down days/moments but I seriously do not get depressed hence bipolar question. Sorry grammer puntuation etc I get bogged down if I start to go over it all.

Only ever look down on someone to give them a hand up.
Posted 2/15/2012 3:10 AM (GMT 0)
Hi junkie,

I just wanted to pop in and say hello. I don't have concentration to read and respond tonight. But I didn't want you to feel alone or unheard.
Posted 2/23/2012 8:14 AM (GMT 0)
Hey sounds like youve been through hell over the years its taken me 23 years to get diagnosed even with five major manias..you havent given a mood stabilizer any thought?i know i was well for 15 years but when it hits it really hits take it easy on yourself

Lamotrigine200mg
Seraquel 50mg
Alprazolam2 mg
Posted 2/23/2012 1:47 PM (GMT 0)
Thanx for responding Molly woppit, dont believe I will have another manic attack, that last one showed me just who I was and what I am capable of doing and I know the signs leading up to it enough to get prior help. It only ever manifests itself when my partner (he is quite needy) kicks off and has a prolonged rage depression rage cycle, it floors me, thats when I tend to go to a higher plain, then I get all sorts of strange things running through my head . Was told the olanzopine was a mood stabalizer.

You take it easy on yourself too
Posted 2/23/2012 4:50 PM (GMT 0)
 

   Hi there knowage junkie. Lets see if i can help a bit.

  I have found thru my experiences that BP for me is all about personnel realtionships. That my ex wife's problems dirrectly affected my BP mania attacks. All i have is personnel evidence, but once i got away from her (2 years ago) my life has steadly gotten more stable and productive. In fact for a couple of weeks we tried to work things out, and it started bringing out all the old problems all over again. So away from her most of my worst bp problems went away. To a point that i am off meds completely.

   But i am constantly watching myself, keeping calm (think buddism) i have gotten rid of the stressors in my life that cause  me problems (bills, bills, and bills) i have cut down on life and just enjoy the simple things. This has helped keep one of my major triggers (money problems) under control.

   Im not dating a wonderful lady, who is everything my ex wife isnt. I dont mean that in a mean way, i just mean she is really different. My issues are here but well under control. Example. I am painting her house. Now a big project is to much for me to handle, so she let me break it down into smaller projects. Working together to work around my problems instead of complaining about what we wish it would be.

   One of the hardest things to do is to identify what can trigger a problem, and then finding a way to actually get that problem out of your life.

   Good luck and keep posting.

   Bill  

Posted 2/27/2012 2:57 PM (GMT 0)
Thanx bill, your reply much appreciated. I know its about the relationship but therein lies the problem, love him, even though he does not always treat me very well (abysmally in fact) Ten years ago when I first had a problem I told the mental health team my partner was ill but as it was me not able to sleep,eat, or keep it together (his mood swings with so much anger and bile) He was unable to cope with my reactions to his behaviour and flew into rages.
It used to really bother and confuse me when all I ever tried to show was love but now I do see it that he is not as lucky as me. I am able to be open and honest and let people in but he is closed and frightened to look at himself reguarding his behaviour.
Too much progress has been made to let him down now, he has worked so hard and even went to docs for anti depressants, something that would have been unheard of for him ten years ago, admitting to depression big WOW.
You said about buddism, its my saving grace I would not still be with him if I did not practice its principles.
I used to make matters worse by trying to get him to listen to what I thought or had to say, or even yell back at him but now knowing I cannot reach him at times I read behind all the nastiness to his fears and thought entitlements that cause him so much grief. A look and a knowing smile is often enough to make him question himself, yes it gets him down but at least he is acknowledging his unwarranted behaviour now whereas before he felt it was his right to behave in the way he does.
At the moment I'm feeling strong and believe I have a handle on my emotions (but hey, that may change) and they do say what doesn't kill you makes you stronger, Im certainly a nicer person and less needy than I was ten years ago.
✚ New Topic ✚ Reply