Bad News = Elevating Husband

Promise me about that police escort? You may have to set that up in advance. Also, if he gets out of control around the police can't they force him go to a hospital? What is that called? It is a number like 1099, or something like sr22. I am sure someone here knows about it but it is a way to admit manic or psychotic patients by forcing them to go to a hospital if they are a danger to themselves or others. But I don't know if it takes an authorized person like a dr. or a cop to do it or if you could do it.

Anyway...better to take care of you and little doggy. Try to get some sleep, eat well and maybe get a massage or a pedicure. Even a walk in a pretty park or a fiction novel might help you take your mind off things. Your happiness matters! Always remember that. Your life and well-being matter! Love you because you are worth it!

I promise about the police escort.

I don't know what it is called in my state but I do know that if the police see him and he is even slightly out of control I will say that I believe he is a harm to himself or others and explain that he has sent threatening texts and emails and left threatening voicemails. I have done it before and he always resents me for it. But I know that I am going the right thing for him.

I appreciate the prayers and will let you all know what happens.

BIG HUGS to all of you! "Keep calm and carry on"

BPWife

You have to detach with love. He is responsible for taking his meds. If he chooses not to...you have the choice whether to stay in a chaotic relationship or not. It is called caring...not caretaking. The more you do for him, the less he will do for himself. Sounds like he may also need alcohol treatment. Again, he has to want to get better for himself, not for you.
What about YOU. Today everytime you say he, him or his name substitute it for YOU. Take the focus off of him and start caring for yourself. Build a support network. Develop your own life. This is what I did. Do I still obsess on the sick people in my life...yes....but today I am aware of it and I change my thoughts to me.

Thank you everyone. And thank you Tortoise for allowing me to post.

My goal has always been to seek help from this forum from those who have been in my husband's situation in order to do what is best for him, for us and for me. I ask for advice from those "in the know" as I will never be able to know exactly what he is thinking or feeling when manic. So everything you all advise is taken to heart and very seriously.

My husband has agreed that the drinking needs to stop but he still says that he is doing all of this for me not himself. I guess that is the next step - and since he has agreed to marital counseling perhaps we can tackle that there. I will also continue my own therapy and he will continue to see his pdoc.

Keep calm and carry on!

Thank you again!
xoxo
BP Wife

 

  Just wanted to say hi and to wish you well. Others here are giving you great advice.

   My only advice is to keep level yourself. This is a journey of years, with many ups and downs coming soon. Here is some advice.

  make sure you cannot be hurt by his out of control spending. Put limits in place so he cant hurt you financially in the long run. You do have to look after yourself first here. And thats OK to think like that.

  He is dealing with mental illness, and  possibly alchol addiction?????  Thats a tough one two punch to deal with since they feed into each other. Expect misteps and slips. Some people say there can never be a slip, im of the feelings that slips will occur, and that trying to be 100% perfect the rest of his life is a fools errand. And that trying to live up to that 100% rule only causes the stress that will lead to a failure.

   Let me give you a small example. I used to go out and spend 1000-1500 on a toy train engine with no issues. Since i got better i no longer spend money like that. I will occasionally spend up to 40.00 on magazines, which is a waste, but is a much smaller waste. In my mind, 40.00 spent stupidly is much easier to overcome and recover from then 1500.00 spend stupidly. Its all about finding balance in life.

  And dont forget to take care of yoruself also.  you will know when you have had enough, its funny everyone i have every talked to knew the exact moment that hapened. But in the mean time get plenty of rest, eat well, excersise when you can, and find comfort where you can. (for me its my big puppy)

   Good luck and keep us posted.

 Bill

That's a truism Bill...you always know when its time to go...there are absolutely no confusion when it is right.

Tortoise...it is weird I don't spend money when hypo. I do the opposite and give everything away. I deplore clutter. But I have made mistakes in doing that. I thought I might be a Buddhist Bhikkuni (monk) when my hubby refused to get clean in Feb and I gave away all my books. An entire library. Now I don't have anything to read...so I make art. Or I meditate. So it is all good. But another problem...I am down to one pair of jeans, 2 shirts and 1pair of shorts...ooooops! I donated everything's o the abused women shelter but I am wearing the same clothes over and over. I have lost so much weight I am buying the cutest and cheapest t shirts in the little girls dept for like 5 bucks a pop. They are happy, colorful and actually fit. Maybe goodwill for jeans? Whenever I think I am on the brink of a breakup I begin lightening my load...but I didn't leave!!!

How are the itchies today?

Hi, BPWife,

I read an interesting statement today by a doctor of psychology who said that essentially what we all have to do is to take a pill to kill the ego and that isn't easy to do.

Your husband will learn, if he is willing to talk to AA people, that it's the ego that gets in the way of all the turmoil your husband experiences. Medically, he can be stabilized, but emotionally he must learn humility. No other group that I've ever heard of teaches that more successfully than Alcoholics Anonymous.

They rarely have people who follow their 12-step program who do not succeed in arresting their illness, and alcoholism is an illness. Dr. Kathleen DesMaissons has written about alcoholism in her little work called "Potatoes, not Prozac". Diet changes worked for her as the daughter of a brilliant alcoholic father. She really knows what she's talking about and how diet affects improvement for alcoholics. (She is the first woman to be awarded a doctorate in nutrition for alcoholic patients--in essence that's what the degree is about.)

You might be able to find comfort in three books: "Alcoholism" by the Hazeldon Foundation and two little paperbacks called "Forgiving and Moving On" and "Keep It Simple". (They would be very helpful for your husband when placed on a table in the living room where he might see them and develop an interest in reading.)

Your husband's drinking when he begins the depressive stage of bipolar illness is an effort to counteract the depression--to self-medicate, as you suggest. You might wish to talk to your psychotherapist about it; I'm sure you'll learn much more there that is helpful.

The biggest thing I've seen today about it is the article by the psychologist who says that what is needed is a pill to "kill the ego". It's humility that brings one out of alcoholism and bipolar illness to some extent.

Spirituality is another key that leads to managing the ego.

Take care; I hope you're feeling better.

It's Genetic

P.S. (He's got to learn to stop the drinking for himself, not for you. Thinking that he will do it for you and not for himself leaves him an avenue of escape in case he wants to drink again.)

Post Edited (It's Genetic) : 5/16/2012 11:10:02 AM (GMT-6)

It's Genetic - you are once again right! His ego and pride are what is destroying him. He and he alone has put all this pressure and stress on himself about not having a job right now. I've told him that it takes more courage & strength to ask for help than to try to do it alone. I'm going to just keep reinforcing that.

Unfortunately he is not willing to do any kind of group therapy - whether it is for BP or AA - so I am not going to push it on him. I do want him to learn to stop drinking, smoking cigarettes, take his meds as prescribed, see his pdoc and not stress about a job for HIMSELF and not me. The key is trying to figure out how to get him to do that.

I just found out that he is being released from the hospital today. He has promised that he is going to just relax for the rest of the week. I may take tomorrow off and I work from home on Fridays so this way I will be able to spend time with him.