Hurting, Leaving -- Oh my, Staying, Loving

  We are here for  you.

  Bill 

The moment was:  I was driving home with the Uhaul truck.  I was 30 minutes earlier than I planned and told my man I'd be there.  He was leaving out of state to avoid everything.  We ended up being at the same intersection at the same time.  I thought it was the last I would see him!  But he saw my face (crying) and that I was alone, and he came home about an hour later to help.

Oh, a moving truck in the driveway is powerful therapy.  We talked.  All this hurt ended up being from miscommunication and trying to protect me.  We both have to make minor changes. 

Love is powerful stuff. I thought he did not love me, but it turned out that he does - very much!  Enough that the thought of losing me gave him motivation and courage to overcome his struggles with communicating.  The future is bright.  He gives me a stable life.  Leaving was terrifying because I know how poverty, apartments, and loneliness cause bipolar problems.  Also scary because things were looking good with moving in with my ex, but then he disrespected me.  Brought up painful memories and made me feel unsafe.

When I told my guy that I was intending to move in with my ex, he flipped out (in a concerned way), offering to have me live at home and he would get an apartment.  Wow.  The man REALLY cares, even if he has a hard time showing it.  Now he knows how much he hurt me by not communicating and is very motivated to change.  I have changes to make too - I've pretty much fallen off that grid as far as cooking or washing dishes and the poor man has been doing everything.  So we'll do it together.  He talks, I wash dishes.  Make it a 10 minute daily ritual.  The solutions are so simple, I'd be a fool not to try!

I lost 5 pounds from stress in a couple of days.  Neither or us had been able to eat or sleep.  He is the toughest, most stoic and emotionless person I've met and he was crying.  It really surprised me and definitely softened my heart.  I didn't know how much he cared.

I'm going to have to take a few days to regroup.  My son is camping with family this weekend, then my ex has visitation.  So I have some time to put everything back together before he comes home.

Surprisingly, bipolar symptoms are in check!  :)  And my weight loss total is a little over 25 pounds.  I wasn't intending to lose more than my seroquel weight, but I'm not complaining.  I have lots of extra!  ;)