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Fragile, Getting Overstimulated, Anxiety

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Posted 6/7/2012 5:31 AM (GMT 0)
I'm surprised by how fragile I am at the moment.  Watching a favorite TV show today has led to insomnia, panic attacks, seeing things (dripping blood, someone standing in a doorway, etc).  The one show bit was graphic, but I'd seen the episode so many times before I thought it would be OK.  (Wrong!)  The other show is a favorite I'm not sure if I can give up.  It was the season opener tonight.  There was an excellent depiction of PTSD in it....  which dragged up some stuff.  *sigh*

I have another week off of work.  I think I go back - only 2 days a week now.  I'm not happy about it, lots of anxiety about it.

I'm heading off to try sleeping again.  Today was the last day of school.  So I need to be supermom (yeah, that's pushing it... ) healthymom tomorrow.  Thank goodness he is still young enough for naps!  ;)

I've been having problems with increased startle reflex lately.  I've had to instruct my son that he has to use 1 door all day.  I was sitting on the couch - by the front door - and he came in the front door suddenly.  Big startle, nausea, adrenaline rush (in a bad way).  He has also stopped knocking on the bedroom door.  He walked in 3 times when I was unsuccessfully trying to take a nap.  (What part of "stay in your room" is that hard to understand?)  He has never been like this before so I am hoping this phase will pass quickly!  It's hard.

Posted 6/7/2012 3:11 PM (GMT 0)
When my boys were little we lived at parks. It was good for me to walk barefoot in the grass to get grounded. I could watch them play from a park bench. I could push them in the swings. We explored the little creeks and fields. Little boys have so much energy and being outside helps them to run it off. Sometimes it was hard to get motivated but staying inside with them all day because I felt terrible was actually worse. They fought more and were bored and I could tell they needed to be a doin something.

I always wished for help from my family but never got it with my kids. I ended up having to allow my second ex, who had no other kids, take my youngest son. I have a lot of guilt that I am working through on this. But I was not well, and had another child and my ex was threatening me all the time and making my life miserable. But still today I feel I was selfish and could have done better. I have beat myself up for years. Even though I moved us back to my son's town repeatedly and was given a hard time from ex about seeing him, went to court to get him back, nothing worked, I couldn't undue that choice, but I made lots of visits, flew him out whenever ex would let me-usually with a money bribe, made lots of calls, was never out of his life....still I feel guilt. I feel for any of you who have bipolar and young children because I know from experience how hard it is. I have never been able to accept that the reason for my difficulties in life might be due to bipolar. It is like I pretend I don't have it or I don't want to use it as an excuse, because that would be a cop out. But then why can other normal mothers do just fine and I just barely make it? Maybe because I have bipolar! I did do well with my oldest son, I had him until he was 12, and while my third marriage was falling apart, allowed him to live with first ex. He just graduated 62 out of 1900 at the Naval Academy in Annapolis with a physics major! Wow...


Just love him, do the best you can today, take it hour by hour and for goodness sakes don't have any high expectations. If I keep my expectations low, I am pleasantly surprised by how nice things can be, but I have to remind myself of this all the time....like today!
Posted 6/7/2012 3:16 PM (GMT 0)
Ps. Another thing we did was ride bikes to the library. Or you could just drive there. Children's books are great for adults too...pick some out that appeal to your sence of childhood fantasy. Then get comfy in bed with pillows and blankets and read to him. Better than sticking him in front of the tv with a video...well sometimes!
Posted 6/7/2012 4:13 PM (GMT 0)
I forget to count my blessings. My kid is soooo laid-back. I don't like "normal" children, lol. So I am really lucky there.

The TV show affects have worn off but my current problem was a friend request on FB from someone I knew in elementary and middle school (the period of time I have/had PTSD from). Plus jealousy since she is doing (one of the things) what I would have done without bp. She is a stay-at-home mom / illustrator. Her work is gorgeous. I had to stop doing portraits and cancell my first illustration job because of bp. That sucked. It's hard. We were neighbors. My parents didn't know how they were going to pay for groceries. Their family was wealthy living modestly. My mom worked loooong hours. Their mom stayed home and knitted them scarves and other things to show she loved them. It rubbed in how much my life sucked.

I haven't gone to the gym today. Maybe later? My son took 3 hours to clean his room (should take 30 minues), now he's NOT doing his handwriting sheet. At least his piano lesson went smoothly. :)

I'm going to try to go to the library storytimes this summer. It's really bad for anxiety for me, but he needs some group playtime. And he loves it. :)
Posted 6/7/2012 4:26 PM (GMT 0)
I also like to draw. Don't give up on illustrating! Even if you just color with your son! I truly believe we should not give up our creative outlets, as for me, it has given me greater self-esteem. I just don't set impossible goals. I have to write every day. In the beginning it took great effort. Kind of like Flylady washing our sinks. Just a little every day, and then it gets into a habit, and for me, writing has become necessary.

I would love to see an illustration. Can you post one up from your old stuff ?
What would you like to draw now? I used to keep a sketch pad with me at all times...now I keep a spiral notebook. I like to paint watercolor abstracts. I also like working with paper and glue.
Posted 6/7/2012 5:33 PM (GMT 0)
I switched over to sidewalk chalk art because its less stressful and I don't like to keep or sell art - I throw it away. But I'm not doing it this year (well, not beyond the driveway).

This was the first one I did. I have gotten on the front page of the Sunday paper and have gotten 2nd place audience choice (out of about 100 entries) every year I've entered. So I feel pressure to perform.

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On the Front Page! by tortoise11, on Flickr

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Chalkfest 2011 by tortoise11, on Flickr

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Chalkfest 2011 by tortoise11, on Flickr

I keep a sketch pad around but haven't used it for a year. Here's one of my more recent works... lol it's 4 or 5 years old. I spent a whole 15 minutes on it. That's not how I sketch - I call it a scribble. :)

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Baby J by tortoise11, on Flickr

The last thing I did was a nice sketch last spring. (about 20 minutes on this one)

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Sketch 2011 by tortoise11, on Flickr
Posted 6/7/2012 7:33 PM (GMT 0)
Oh my goodness, golly, gosh in heaven! Your artwork is amazing! Most artists I know can't draw at all. Don't you dare give that up. I am so impressed I feel overwhelmed with the magnitude of your talent. Wow!

Than you for sharing these beautiful, bigger than life paintings. It made my day and has given me encouragement to write. How do you DO that? Wow!
Posted 6/7/2012 9:11 PM (GMT 0)
How? 3 years of depression when I was a kid. Drew thousands of pictures, hated every single one and cried a million tears. It's amazing to look at things I did before and after my first depressive episode - huge difference.

My high school art teacher told me last year that I am the most talented student he's ever had. (He is close to retirement now - he has had a lot of students!) But I'm thinking... "no, I'm just the most tortured" ;)

Stuff would happen in high school like waking up in the basement, covered in blood and paint and there would be a painting I had done. And didn't remember doing. I was such a mess at the time.

Art brings up huge anxiety, jealousy, and heartbreak. I just dumped some framed art at Goodwill. Some of it was decent but what am I going to do with it? They can sell the frames at least.

You might have inspired me to put something on paper... and if so, thank you.
Posted 6/7/2012 9:16 PM (GMT 0)
I've done a little better today. No TV - not even at the gym. It took 2 hours to work through all the racing, repetitive, narrative thoughts and I didn't have time for a nap. But I feel better and put on a sundress today. :)

I have to run errands tonight and/or tomorrow and family vacation starts on Saturday. Not ready for this! I plan to do my morning/gym routine each day and go over to the vacation house in the afternoon. I am thankful I can leave whenever I need to.
Posted 6/7/2012 9:31 PM (GMT 0)
 

 First of all the art was amazing. Second and more important in my mind, YOU WERE SMILING. YAY yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah

   I know you keep wondering why you are having issues right now, lady you just went thru a near death experience with your relationship. THats going to shake anyone to their core.

  You need to give yourself time to heal, time does heal wounds, if you give it a chance.

  And again, it was amazing artwork. Great job. ANd keep the smiles coming.

  Bill

Posted 6/7/2012 9:45 PM (GMT 0)
Really nice tortoise!
I hope that your vacation goes really well.
Posted 6/7/2012 10:20 PM (GMT 0)
bill - you know my patience is NOT that of a saint, lol. It will be 2 weeks tomorrow. How long do you think this takes? I am starting to feel like I could settle into a stay-at-home routine, although concerned about feeling isolated, bored, and stuck in wintertime. Yeah, I get jacked up into hypomania at an event like that. Fun day... the next couple of weeks? Not so much. I was getting aggressive towards the end of the day and almost got into a fight with my fiance's family. sheesh!

Camano - thank you :)
Posted 6/8/2012 1:29 PM (GMT 0)
 

 How long does it take? that is the question when it comes to subjective matters. It seems to take forever, and when we are fianally there, it seems like no time at all.

  The thing is, it is not in your nature to be forever down, same with forever up, or forever normal. It is in all our natures to be one thing one day, and another thing another day.

  Think of a merry go round. The farther you get to the edge, the harder it is to stay on your feet. Cause the forces are pulling you out and off your feet. The closer you get tot he center, the easier it is to move around and be stable. Thats the way of Zen. The more in the center we are of things, the easier life becomes to move thru it. It doesnt mean avoiding hard things, it just means finding ways to make hard things easy, and if not easy, then easier.

   You are young, many young people have no patience. Patience comes from wisdom, wisdom comes from screwing up so many times you finally learn a lesson god is trying to teach you. LOL LOL LOL

    Again, it was wonderful seeing you smile. You can and will have a successful life as soon as you learn to get out of your own way. LOL LOL LOL This is a lesson we all must learn in life, for none are so blind as those who will not see. Myself included. Carenpolar prayed and god healed her, i found buddism and it has help center and heal me. What you might find is anyones guess. Heck it could be the all twinkie diet plan. LOL LOL LOL But once you find it, you will find peace.  And once you find true peace once, then it is much easier to find it again.

  Bill

 

Posted 6/8/2012 1:59 PM (GMT 0)
bill, you're not old enough to call me "young"! :D lol

Today I am distracted from it all by being able to fit into smaller pants - and they look good. I feel really good. Maybe superficial, but I'll take any reason to smile.
Posted 6/8/2012 3:38 PM (GMT 0)
 

  LOL LOL Im 44 this year. So i do get to call you youngster. LOL LOL

  Ive also lost weight, superficial or not but lordy it does feel good.

  Take it and run with it. ANy reason to smile is just that, a reason to smile. Enjoy it and dont question it.

  Bill

Posted 6/8/2012 6:22 PM (GMT 0)
I bought beer for my fiance and did not get carded. Therefore, I am old. :P

I doing well today. I ran errands and had anxiety. But got through it. My fiance CALLED ME to talk about something he's stressed out about at work and tell me he couldn't come home for lunch. (Wow, I guess this communication thing is sinking in?) He was having a bad day so I bought some of his favorite beer. I'm making dessert tonight. I picked about a pint of strawberries this morning and decided to make strawberry shortcake with them.
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