Admiration and respect.

Good day all, not sure if I am following the correct protocol here, but I do understand that this is a safe haven for people living with Bipolar.

I am not Bipolar. But I have lived with bipolar for a very long time.
My dad was diagnosed with manic depression when I was only a few months old, and he tried for decades to be accepted and understood. I developed a deep love for this man who managed to provide for us without need, we all went to university, we ate well, we wore good clothes. Yes he didn't hug us very much, or spend very many quality time with us, but I learned to go into his world and engage with him there. While he hid from the world in his workshop.

Years later my brother was fired from a very good job, and his wife tossed him out because of his strange behaviour. My dad and I managed to get my brother to a doctor who diagnosed him with Bipolar1.

I married young, to a man I am still passionately in love with, but knew that he was not ok. I first thought it was our youth, then I thought perhaps we just drank too much, but when my second eldest brother committed suicide in 2000 and I went through possibly the darkest period in my life till then, I discovered a new side to my husband. Lying, cheating and down right insensitive. Often screaming at me to 'come right!' We were soon separated as he could not tolerate the realness of my depression.

Long story short, we got back together, he went through something I saw as a long term down cycle, but that his family found to be something he was merely to shake off.

We then did something radicle, we moved to the desert and spent seven years there where he managed to Forward his career, grow his personality away from his family and where I raised a family of my own.

After a few very explosive episodes, that involved repeated violence, depression, anger I begged his mother to convince him to go see someone. As I have very little persuasive power over him.

She did and he was diagnosed first with depression, but after the meds made him so manic, that he begged me to lock the kids and me away from him because he wanted to harm us. I managed to convince him to take seroquel and I drove through the night to a doctor, she rediagnosed him with bipolar2.

I know this is a long story, but I am getting to a point, I think.....

I feel as a family we have adjusted and try to educate ourselves about bipolar, I have explained the mood swings to my eldest daughter, who has a very beautiful relationship with her dad.
My middle kiddy accepts daddy any which way, even when he's screaming ball of fire. She is incredible that way.
But my son, who is seven, is reacting negatively toward his dad. They fight and scream back and forth. And he refuses to accept discipline from his dad. He calls his dad a Jerk!

I have been the most supportive I think I can be. We have made bold moves like: my husband struggles with interpersonal relationships in the office and often cannot get out of bed. So we ate bread and butter for a few years to be able to start a consultancy. He now works from home, on his own schedule, and only had to deal with people one week out of four.

I don't have any male contacts, except my brother and my nephews. I get grilled for hours if I engage in a conversation with his brother, so I try not too. At family gatherings, it is better for him if I sit alone in a corner. I manage the finances, I have from day one.
I make excuses when his family are offended when he won't visit.
I know, this feels wrong, but I strive mainly to have peace.

He does not take his meds regularly, drinks way too much coffee and whiskey and smoke 20 cigs a day.

My dad got terminally Ill this year and I had to spend a lot of time at my parents house. This started my husbands jealously again, and he has once again (five times in fourteen years) asked me to take my things and leave.

I cannot. My dad died this month. I have so many issues to get through right now. I can't be alone. I need this man whom I love. I need him to be strong for me, just now.

I found he has not taken his lithium in weeks. He is using 5htp from solal exclusively.

I feel that this act alone, is abandonement.

I am not bad mouthing him, I swear. I am looking for help. I have read numerous books including 'the bipolar relationship'
I pray daily,
I don't have friends and don't talk 'out'
My dad was the only one that understood.

I don't want to be weak and make it worse by supporting him in the wrong way.
I know about the family and friends support group, I will join there....

But what I need is a bit of constructive criticism from y'all

I know I am making way too many mistakes by changing my entire being, to allow him to have less episodes. But he is not taking his meds or seeing a doctor, which I feel is careless toward not just him, but us as his family. I am not strong enough to create a shield that big.

I am weak now and want the space to mourn my dad...I recognize where I am, I have been here before. Everything I have to do seems way too big and far too difficult. I need time to focus and heal.

Please help

my word.... My title!!
This is what I meant..
I have the biggest admiration and respect for the members of this forum. You are so honest about your conditions, and you do so much to manage it. So much attention and care. I respect that so very much. So very much.