(No Subject)

Right there with you. Remember: It only gets better from here.

When I'm feeling this way, sometimes this statement I am about to make annoys me....But please know I am saying this with great care for you.

Have you tried calling a distress or crisis help line? When you're facing SI, I think it's kind of necessary. I usually find a lot of comfort in hearing a voice on the other line who understands I am in crisis and can help talk me through a few moments and help me do what I need to do (ex. take a shower or go for a walk).

We are here for you. I am sick of the stress in my life too. It seems like it never, ever ever ends and I know it can be so overwhelming.

Hang in there, pick up the phone?

Check in with us later,
Hugs
Mogs

Post Edited (mogli) : 9/25/2012 11:04:43 AM (GMT-6)

Ummm.... hon, if he can deal with the suicidal thoughts, depression, trust issues.... well bipolar and boderline don't get much worse than that.

I remember feeling similar. I was not yet diagnose with bp. I was diagnosed with panic disorder. I had been hypomanic since we met and eventually crashed and the panic attacks started. I told him that it existed, that I started meds and therapy. My message was "I got this under control, don't worry about it."

When we had been together for 10 months - and had been living together for 3 months - when I ended up in the hospital and got my "upgrade" from NOS to Bipolar 2. I thought it was over. He was awesome. He visited every day even snuck in McDonald's for me. :) I think the sweetest thing was this: He always had 2 12-packs of soda in the fridge. My hospitalization was caused by stress and CAFFEINE. Wow, that stuff messes with me. After that, he took the soda out of the house and has not had caffeinated soda in the house since - 2 years. <3 He has helped me set up bank accounts so that my finances are protected from my shopping impulses. He'll gently point out when I'm slipping into poor eating habits and emotional eating. He isn't good at being emotionally available, but he tries to be supportive.

There are good patient men out there. Remember that everyone has issues. My fiance can deal with my issues - most of the time. Depression is hard on him. But in his previous long-term relationship he couldn't deal with her issues. Body image issues, holding out on sex type stuff. That seems pale in comparison to what I have going on. But each person can tolerate different things.

Don't forget that a "perfect" man does not exist. My fiance is stable and patient. But the trade-off is trouble communicating and emotional distance. It is hard for me to put this together into a concept of a whole person instead of the "he's perfect, amazing, too good for me" versus "he's a controlling, unemotional, unloving jerk." Neither of those is completely true. Try to see this man you are getting to know objectively and fight the borderline pattern of idealization and devaluation. It is really hard to break away from this way of thinking.

He just might be able to be OK with your issues. Perhaps, like it was for me, your relationship will be your motivation to get and stay in treatment?

How are you doing today? Are you safe?

Do you have healthy caution? Is he truly too nice - suspiciously nice. (As in a manipulative abuser trying to reel you in)

Or are you struggling to accept kindness because you struggle to love yourself?

I want to say relax, let go. Enjoy him while he is with you - however long that might be. But I also want to trust your instinct and say if it doesn't feel right, there is something wrong.

There's a quote to remember that depresses me, but it is true. "Love starts with a smile, grows with a hug, and ends with a tear." Love will hurt you or the people you love someday. (Everyone dies). We don't know if it will be tomorrow or a lifetime away. You can't let that fear stop you.

If you think he is safe and that your fear is only because of your past hurts, then try to love yourself and see yourself the way he sees you.

With my relationship, it took me about 6 months to get out of that stage. I was constantly looking for "what's wrong with him". lol Don't pressure yourself. Just get to know him and enjoy the time you have together.

Is he good for you? Does he make you more stable and healthier? Does he motivate you to take care of yourself? Is there anything specific about him that is very irritating to you? Are you a better person when you are with him?

When you can't trust your emotions, trust the facts.

"Facts, not feelings"