I think I might be bipolar

Hello,

I normally don't do this blogging thing but I've recently come to a "possible" startling conclusion.

I think I may be bipolar!? WHAT????

Is is common to be the last to know that you are bipolar? Of course, this is only speculation at this juncture, but after doing some research online, I'm horrified and thrilled to discover my "crazy" (I say that not to offend anyone, I say that because that's how I feel) may have a name.

I'm in recovery from drugs and alcohol. I used chemicals for 20 years and have been sober for 6 years with a brief slip 6 months ago. I'm currently on Prozac because 2 years ago shortly after getting married to a wonderful man in recovery as well, I begain to show some "inappropriate" behavior. I made a "scene" in the front yard, ranting and raving to my husband about our sex life, and other private matters which to be honest, I don't even recall. I left for 3 days angry and hostile, somehow blaming my irrational and impulsive behavior on him. I'm constantly angry inside, hostile really, mostly at him. I have mood swings from sweet and loving to mean and hateful in the same day. I have letters I wrote my husband as proof of this. I was mortified when I read them recently... the harsh words and lack of kindness and caring is unbelievable. Obviously, for good reason, we separated 9 months ago because of this irrational and almost bizarre behavior. I spent the first summer we were married laying in bed depressed having suicidal thoughts.

This past 9 months has been hell. My poor husband has been waiting for some consistancy from me. I filed for divorce in one of my rages, dropping $600 on this only to have it dismissed 2 months later. My husband would not sign the papers due to him seeing how irrational and "crazy" I was acting. He's mentioned bipolar to me before, but I refused to even consider such an idea! LOL... We went to counseling the other day and the counselor asked about being bipolar and I was insulted. Is this a normal response? I honestly never imagined I could be bipolar.

I rage text my husband in the begining of the conversation, finishing in with "I love you and don"t want to lose you". He's had enough. He says he's afraid of me and doesn't trust me anymore. We still love each other and are currently on a 30 day no contact with each other. Yesterday it hit me, that I could possibly be bipolar. I'm willing to find out.. finally! I have a dr appt tomorrow and I can't wait. My quality of life is miserable. I hurt the people I love the most and myself. I can't go on like this.

Does this sound familiar to anyone out there??

Thanks for reading :)

Exactly, I'm ashamed and embarrassed and excited at the same time! I always thought "manic" meant euphoric. For me, its more hostility and acting out verbally (like screaming at my husband in the front yard or taking off and staying in a hotel for a couple days).

So it's not unusual to be the last to know your bipolar? lol

It IS HELL! I thought Manic meant euphoric too! It's not! My point where I thought something is not right is when I got drunk at a mutual friends house and me and my husband got in a screaming fight and on the way home I didn't like something he said, I got out at a red light and walked down the road with No SHOES and found a ride to my work place. I spent the night with a coworker. I act out and pretty much say what ever comes to my mind. I flirt with just about everyone. I have so much fun. But my husband and kids were driving me crazy! I was miserable at home. I COULD NOT sit at home. I had to be out somewhere.

recker, if you suspect you have a mood disorder you need to see a psychiatrist for diagnosis. If you are unfortunate to have one, then you need treatment.

Bipolar Disorder is not the only explanation for mood disturbances. Don't limit and label yourself. Get professional help and a way to move forward.

My marriage is hanging on by a thread. We are separated and have been since Feb. I've been blaming HIM, because I refused to acknowledge that he could be right. That I could be bipolar. My daughter has called me bipolar as well... and she has been diagnosed with bipolar 2 different times. She's in fear of the med's and the side effects so her's is untreated. She's constantly in collision with people in her life as well. My daughter and I act very similar...

I have an appointment for an evaluation tomorrow. I'm actually looking forward to it.

Even if I am diagnosed with bipolar, there has been so much damage in my marriage, I'm not sure this diagnoses would matter to my husband. It might actually scare him more...

I saw my PCP ... after I discussed with her some of my symptoms, she ordered blood work and referred me to a psychiatrist for a full assessment. She definately thinks it's bipolar, but she was not comfortable prescribing me these type of medications. Which I completely respected and understood. I have an appointment next Thursday for a complete assessment.... for $350 (no insurance!) ... ughhh!!

Thanks for your posts, they have been very helpful :)