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Posted 4/28/2013 7:41 PM (GMT 0)

Hello,
I am Lola and new to Healing Well. I have been diagnosed with Major Depression, and Dysthymia. In the past I have also been diagnosed with ADD, Bipolar Disorder, Anxiety/Panic Disorder, and BPD. I am struggling to get to a point where I can feel somewhat normal - through medication, of course. I feel very messed up right now and have tried several support groups. Yet, I still feel very isolated and misunderstood. I hope to  find help on this forum. I would like to understand my own illness and learn to deal with it in a realistic way.  My family is not at all supportive and they only know how to scapegoat me. They don't want to even try to understand my mental illness. Anyway, I am currently on Wellbutrin XR, Lamictal, and Seroquel. Thanks.

Posted 4/29/2013 1:08 AM (GMT 0)
Hi Lola!
Posted 4/29/2013 11:33 AM (GMT 0)
Hi Lola,

Just saying hello and welcome to the forum! HealingWell is a very supportive and friendly group. Sorry about your diagnosis. Things will get better. Hang in there.

UA
Posted 4/29/2013 2:03 PM (GMT 0)

Thank you for your kind welcome.

I don't think it is possible to have all of the diagnoses. A friend of mine, who has bipolar, thought that I may be describing characteristics of that disease when I called her for support. However, I definitely suffer from depression. I am glad to have found this site where there can be open discussion and support for each other.

Posted 4/29/2013 2:32 PM (GMT 0)
Depression sucks. Do you see a therapist? Hope you're coping okay with it?

UA
Posted 4/29/2013 11:56 PM (GMT 0)

Yes, I do see a therapist and have since I was 15yrs old. I haven't learned how to avoid stepping into the hole. You would think I would have caught on by now. I have so many triggers and feel as though I just get sucker-punched (emotionally). Can't seem to get past feeling like a victim, even of my depression.

Posted 4/30/2013 1:01 AM (GMT 0)
Lola,

Bipolar Disorder, Depression, Dysthymia are all mood disorders. If a Dr doesn't get a good history of symptoms, the diagnosis will only be the current symptoms - even if they are a small part of a larger pattern.

BPD overlaps with bipolar disorder, and can be hard to tell the difference. Plus, some people "grow out of it". I was diagnosed with BPD in 2004, but no longer fit diagnostic criteria for it. (Thank god!)

I'm guessing that your diagnoses were most likely correct at the time. As your symptoms ebb, flow and change, your diagnoses will change over time also.

Diagnoses are just one step towards treatment. It doesn't matter what the diagnosis is - it matters that the diagnosis helps you get effective treatment.

(((hugs)))
Posted 4/30/2013 12:45 PM (GMT 0)
Thanks Chloe, Did you use DBT skills to help with the BPD? You have a good understanding of mental health. I think I am more likely to have BPD than Bipolar, due to my childhood issues. I tried to commit suicide at age 15, and again at age 16. I have not had euphoric experiences, only panic attacks. I think I really need to accept the BPD and work on DBT skill building. I would like to find a support group of people who are applying DBT to their lives, like how a 12-step program works as aftercare for CD treatment.
Posted 5/2/2013 1:13 AM (GMT 0)
Therapy really helps so it's good that you're seeing a therapist. I was in therapy and learned DBT as well. It is very helpful but we must ensure that we practice it on a daily basis in order to lessen our depression, etc. Keep practicing your DBT skills and it will help you.
I'm sorry but I don't know of any groups that I can recommend with the 12-step program. Maybe some other members will respond and be able to make a recommendation.

UA
Posted 5/2/2013 1:48 AM (GMT 0)
I have a DBT workbook, but haven't used it.  It looks hard!  tongue

I still have BPD tendencies when I'm stressed.  I use self-talk to get through it.  "No, I don't want to die.  I want this stressful situation resolved."  I also struggle with wanting to escape or leave an otherwise-good relationship when I'm stressed.  I go for a drive or leave the situation until I calm down.
Posted 5/6/2013 3:21 PM (GMT 0)
Hi Lola. I'm a new member too, hopefully this site will be helpful for us both. I hear you on the family not being supportive. The first time my mom found out I was on meds, she freaked out and gave me a lecture. When I tried to tell her I was bipolar, she told me my doctor is a stupid idiot that knows nothing and that it's all in my head and that if I pray to God it'll all be better. Well, for someone who does not even believe in God, seems like a pretty funny/ignorant statement to me. What's weird though is randomly 2 days ago when I went to visit my family, my mom said this lady has been seeing my "angry rants" on Facebook and thinks I might be ADHD.lol So I told my mom, I'm already on meds. She didn't know I had started them up again, so that started a surprising convo on that. For the first time in my whole life, my mother had a normal conversation with me about my medication and such without yelling at me or accusing me of things. So anyways, what I'm trying to get at, is don't give up with the family. If they really care, they will eventually open up and at least understand that you really do have an illness. I think a lot of the mental illness awareness they are doing recently in my area (I don't know where you're from) is helping a lot of people understand or at least not be so close-minded. If my stubborn, God-fearing mother finally listened, have faith that your family (or at least one member) will understand. Don't give up.
Posted 5/6/2013 7:18 PM (GMT 0)
Thanks, .Lost, My parents are no longer alive and it is myself, two sisters and one brother (and his wife). One of my sisters understands to some degree. The thing is they need me to be "sick" so they can look down on me and scapegoat me. I asked one of my sisters if she would want to go to some NAMI groups to help her understand and she said, "No, those mtgs are for parents or a spouse. You know, people who care." I have let her be in my life for way too long. All she knows how to do is hurt me. She is more ill than I am, in that she is cruel. So, that has been a big project this past year - getting her out of my life. It is hard because of all of the other connections. Trying to build a new support system for myself has been challenging and it takes time.

I am glad your mom is trying to understand what is going on with you. Your doctor is the only one who should diagnose your symptoms. Too many labels, like ADHD, etc. can cause a lot of confusion and you end up on all kinds of different meds, that screw you up. I have been on too many different meds. The ones that screwed me up the most were the ones that rendered me useless (zombie like) and caused weight gain and sleeping too much. I hope you have a good psychiatrist, who is willing to work with you, and treat you with respect. I won't give up, I can't, I have no where to go but up. You sound young, and you have your whole life ahead of you. I think your mom will be able to be a good support for you, I hope so anyway. I wish you well!!
Posted 5/10/2013 5:16 PM (GMT 0)
Hello again Lola! I am sorry to hear about your parents, and also very sorry to hear about your terrible sister. I wish you the best with trying to weed her out of your life, or at least not let her make you feel less about yourself. She almost sounds like my mother did in the beginning because my mother did not and still doesn't really understand. I hope you can find someone who will support you. For me, it has been my boyfriend. He has been amazing and so supportive in every way. Have you tried going to a group meeting? I'm sure there you can find someone to bond with that definitely understands where you are coming from because they have recognized their illness and are trying to deal with it as well.
And I definitely hear you on trying different meds. It takes awhile, but it is nice when you finally find something that works for you. I am bipolar, but also have OCD and anxiety. My psychiatrist said he thinks I may have borderline personality disorder as well, but I do not know for sure and think I am getting better with the meds I am now on. Do you mind me asking why you are on three medications? Is that working for you? I was actually just switched from Paxil to Wellbutrin within the last couple weeks and I am feeling considerably better for the time being anyways. I should technically be on a mood stabilizer, but when I tried Abilify it made me feel like a zombie so I stopped taking it. Anyways, I wish you the best as well and hope we can chat again soon. :)
Posted 5/10/2013 6:14 PM (GMT 0)
Hi .Lost,

It sounds like we have a lot in common. I have been told I have BPD (Borderline Personality Disorder). I think I have symptoms similar to it when I am under stress. I am on Wellbutrin XL (the regular one caused me to have ups and downs because it wouldn't last long enough). I am on a very small dose of Seroquel for sleep. I am on Lamictal for a mood stabilizer and to help with depression. The Lamictal  is very hard to get off of, or even decrease. I think I do have OCD. I am going to Emotions anonymous and a NAMI support group. One of the people at one of the groups pointed out that my thinking is like OCD. It makes sense. I worry way too much and can't get out of my head. I think that naming or labeling sometimes helps because if you know what it is, you can learn how to fix it. Thanks for writing, I appreciate the communication. You are lucky to have such a great boyfriend. Minimizing contact with my sister helps me to avoid "hooking" into Her problems, like her needing to have me to blame when things bother her.

Thanks again and have a great day!

Posted 5/12/2013 7:24 AM (GMT 0)
 

Hello again Lola! Hope all is well with you! I'm on the Wellbutrin XL as well. It's been rough though because apparently I'm having "withdrawals" from weaning off of Paxil, so lately I have been really up and down a lot. That's great that you go to groups! I should really get into that. I wanted to, but then just never got around to it. I don't want to take additional medication because I don't want my personality to go away and become zombie-like. So I do smoke ganja, as for me it is the natural way to relieve so many of my symptoms without having to take more medicine. Everyone has a different opinion on that, but it definitely works for me without interfering with my life. And no problem on the responding! I'm glad we could connect; I haven't got much response on this site yet, so it has been a bit frustrating for me when I'm going through such a difficult time... And I hear you on everything being heightened under stress: it can bring out the worst in a lot of us.Anyways, I hope I haven't scared you off yet! lol  Have a wonderful day and hope to chat again soon. :)

Posted 5/12/2013 2:24 PM (GMT 0)
Hi Lost,

The number of medications doesn't necessarily take personality away! I used to take 10 pills a day. My personality stayed intact and I didn't feel zombie-like. Eventually I had memory side effects and needed a change. My memory came back, I should say.

Don't let fears and assumptions keep you away from treatment. Everyone is different, so it takes being brave to try new medications and persistent to keep with them or keep trying new medications.
Posted 5/13/2013 3:10 AM (GMT 0)
I had the same experience that I think others complain about with the medications that they put you into a mental fog and they do change your personality or at least your outlook on life....but it doesn't have to be like that. I was with a doctor who claimed being in a mental fog was better than the alternative well it is not acceptable. Medications are not suppose to leave you feeling like a zombie and unable to think clear. The doctors who say there is no alternative in your treatment plan need to be fired and you need to find a new doctor. I was with a doctor for years who told me it was better than being in the hospital, I had people asking me if I was ok all the time because I was always so zoned out. I switched doctors to someone who actually listened to my complaints and adjusted things until we got it right and now I am productive no one asks me if I am ok. If I tell people I am bipolar they are surprised because they claim there are no indications. I take four medications and follow a pretty strict schedule to maintain balance but I feel great...and have not been hospitalized for over 4 years.
Posted 5/18/2013 11:29 PM (GMT 0)
Well, congrats on being out of the hospital, good for you. :) Nobody likes having to return to that state. Unfortunately today my boyfriend suggested maybe I need some more help because I have been threatening to kill myself lately and we had a fight today where I said again that I want to. I understand he's worried, but the fact he hasn't even noticed that I started cutting myself again makes me a little weary. I know he cares, but how can he not notice? I haven't done this to myself in years; in fact, I vowed to not do that to myself again after all of the cutting in the past and the suicide attempts. But weaning off of Paxil is having its definite side effects. Last weekend I really wanted to die and felt absolutely hopeless. A few days later I felt considerably better, but after the terrible week I've endured this week and the fight with my man today, I couldn't handle it and cut myself again. He thinks I need to call my doctor, but what are they going to say? They'll just send me to the ****ing Loony Bin again which did nothing for me in the past and will do nothing for me now. I just want to get better. Will these feelings EVER go away?!
Posted 5/20/2013 3:44 AM (GMT 0)
Lost, those feelings can go away. But it takes a lot of work! You'll need to learn new coping strategies - which could take months or years for them to become effective when you're stressed. But it's worth it. Every hard decision is a baby step towards wellness.

While we can't discuss suicidality and self-harm on this forum, I want to remind you that you are not alone in these feelings. Many members here have similar struggles.

When I am stressed and a thought comes into my mind, I remind myself: "I don't want to die. I am upset by this situation and I want it to be resolved." Suicidality became a way to avoid the cause of my stress, avoidance never, ever helps anything.
Posted 5/23/2013 1:33 AM (GMT 0)
When you are having suicidal thoughts or you are causing harm to yourself get help. Call some one. Go to a trusted friends house. Remove yourself from the situation. Be safe.
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