barely holding on

Not2L8

Regular Member

Joined : Apr 2010

Posts : 255

Posted 10/22/2013 2:14 AM (GMT 0)

I'm here, though sometimes just barely. I wish I could say I have my ups and downs but that would imply that I have ups when so often I feel down. I have faith that I can survive though sometimes I waver and have to dig deep just to hold on. All I've ever wanted since i was a little girl was to be loved and protected but I've found you can't trust anyone to give you that no matter how much you need them to. I wish I knew what was wrong with me, that there was something tangible I could cut out and remove but no one has been able to give me the tools to do that.
How do I tell you what I need from you without drowning you in my darkness? How can I let yoy in when I'm just waiting for you to let me down because as everyone knows, history repeats itslef. I don't think there's enough medication in the world that can make that right. Do you know my story? Do you know how I got here? Piece by piece... I'm not sure what holds me together, glue, tape, staples, knives maybe a little bit of everything only it's not holding and I'm all out of adhesive.

Bipolar II
Borderline personality
PTSD
Major depressive

Meds
80mg Latuda
400mg Seroquel
60mg Cymbalta
400mg Lamotrigine

Post Edited (Not2L8) : 10/21/2013 8:20:18 PM (GMT-6)

@nnick_Bipolar22

Regular Member

Joined : May 2013

Posts : 24

Posted 10/22/2013 5:36 PM (GMT 0)

Not2L8

I understand what you are going through. A few years ago I had a psycotic break and the only things that kept me together were painkillers, alcohol and stitches. It is like you are stuck in this deep hole with the blackness trying to suffocate you and you have to spend all your energy on just keeping that little spark of light there. It is a seemingly hopeless situation.

When I woke up in a hospital for the third time, my parents told me that they are no longer going to support me financially until I get my addiction under control, I was 19 and studying at the time. They stopped all my meds and I had to deal with this flood of emotions just wafting over me. It was like waves crashing down on me one after the other while coping with varsity life and academics. It seemed to be getting worse and worse until I realized that I had made it 4 months without meds. That was a turning point for me. I realized that it is possible to get out of that hole even if it is just long enough to breathe fresh air.

It is not that you need to be fixed, you are not broken. And I am not saying that the meds are useless. But maybe you should not rely on the meds to make it better, but rather let them show you a way to get out of the hole. I am 22 now. I am busy with my second degree. I am still very bipolar and struggle with it every day, but if I can make it you can as well. Just don't give up.

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