I'm new :)

Hello all. This is my first time joining a board to talk to others about bipolar. I've been getting worse and worse lately and feel like I need someone to talk to that can relate.

I was diagnosed with bipolar 10 years ago and I am not sure if it was fear of the diagnosis itself or what, but I have refused to go to counseling and to take any meds. I have watched my relationships and friendships fall apart as well as watched my job situations suffer. I am married now to a great man. My best friend, my rock. We have known each other since I was about 11 (I am 31 now). Thankfully he is calm and understanding but it does get frustrating because I know he doesn't understand because he is not bipolar.

I get so sad and just cry. Don't want to get up and clean or go anywhere or do anything but sleep. Then I have a lot of times when I am so irritable and angry, screaming and throwing things, telling my husband I hate him and to go to hell. (I feel like such a terrible person).

I cannot keep dealing with these constant ups and downs. Crying one minute, singing and dancing the next, and then so angry and violent and then back again. I have a 9 year old son and I feel terrible being the way I am. I feel terrible for him having me as his mother being the way I am. I also don't want to lose my husband because of this.

I am mostly concerned about the therapy thing. I have convinced myself that there is no possible way it will help me to talk to a therapist who has no true idea what this feels like and they are paid to listen. They don't actually care. I also worry that meds will change who I am as a person. Does that make sense?

I apologize for this being so long. I appreciate anyone who takes the time to read this or reply. Thank you!

- Gina

Hello Gina and welcome to the forum

I’m glad you have a supportive husband. We need supportive people around us when dealing with these things.

Managing bipolar disorder starts with proper treatment which includes medication and therapy.

I understand your hesitation to talk with a therapist or take meds. People with bipolar disorder may be afraid to seek treatment because they are sometimes afraid that they will feel flat, less capable or less creative. However, these fears must be weighed against the benefits of getting and staying well. A person may feel good while manic but may make choices that could seriously damage relationships, finances, health, home life or job prospects.
Therapy does help. I was hesitant to go to therapy at first. I went after two years. When I first started, it did not seem to help me. I also did not open up or 'talk' at first. My therapist was very patient though. It took me around a year before I started opening up. It did help me. Once you find the right therapist, you will find that you get some help.

Medication may be able to manage some of the symptoms of bipolar disorder but Therapy teaches you skills you can use in all areas of your life. Therapy can help you learn how to deal with your disorder, cope with problems, regulate your mood, change the way you think, and improve your relationships.

All meds does have side effects. However, they can help you as well. When using meds, it is very common for people living with bipolar disorder to want to discontinue their meds because of side effects or because it has been a long time since the last episode of illness. However, it should be remembered that the progress one has attained is reliant upon continuing to take medication. Please take note that different meds work differently for everyone. Sometimes, you may have to try different ones and different combinations and even different dosages before you find the ones that are right for you.

I suggest you give therapy a try. Take it slowly but give it a try. If they recommend meds, you should also give it a try.

Please feel free to post anytime. We understand what you are going through and we are here for you.

I hope you will give therapy a try.

Take Care

UA