Tips/advice for living with and supporting my bipolar partner

My partner and I have been together for 2 years and known each other for about 7. She has fought with mental illness since she was about 13. She recently has been seeing a Psychiatrist once a month for a few months now. She is on a few different meds for several things, the main being lithium. We've recently moved in together about 6months ago. I love this woman like family. When she is who I remember meeting she is loving, funny, sexy, goofy. Seems the only time she is like that anymore is when she's had more than one glass of wine. Our intimate life is non existent. Some days she wakes up happy, free, awake and other days she won't touch me, look at me, smile and when I ask her what's wrong she acts like I'm crazy. It has honestly started to make me feel crazy. I've started going to therapy, I've tried doing lots of research myself but today I just feel at the end of my rope. I want to make a life with this woman and I want to be strong for her but being a woman myself I find myself getting my feelings hurt way to often or feeling like I give 110% and get back 40. Just looking for some advice to let me know what I can do to genuinely help her and myself and keep the love alive.

Hey JCloud, I'm glad you have joined us. It sounds like you know your partner really well after 7 years of friendship, 2 years of a relationship and 6mths living together. She seems to have shared a lot with you about her story, what she is currently battling with and what she is doing about it. Is it possible that she see her pdoc a little more regularly. Does her pdoc also do psychotherapy with her as therapy is just as important to managing bipolar as medication is. I like how you can still see the loving, funny, sexy and goofy sides her come out. Although this side comes out with alcohol, it is best for her to avoid mood altering drugs as part of her long term management of bipolar. Mood altering drugs create more unstable moods in people with bipolar and alcohol is a depressant for everyone, and creates much deeper depression in people with bipolar. You can help her by supporting her to stay off alcohol and other drugs and she will have much more balanced moods. Libido changes significantly depending on "states". It is not surprising she has no libido in the midst of a major depression. That you mention "days" makes me wonder if she is rapid cycling. Some people with bipolar have their states last months not days. The other possibility is she may have rapid mood changes due to a weakened sense of self that makes her highly reactive to both good and bad experiences. The days when she is "absent" would be very hard to deal with. Part of the symptom of bipolar is "bipolar blindness" where we can't see our symptoms the way other people do. That might help you understand that she genuinely cannot see her symptoms as clearly as you do. It takes time to develop this skill, so try to be patient and try as hard as you can, not to take her aloofness personally. From what you write, it doesn't sound to me she is doing it on purpose. It's great you are getting support and guidance for yourself. There will be days when it all gets on top of you and it is important to sit the problem down for a while and give yourself a mental and emotional break from it. You can scale your contribution in the relationship back a bit. Even though your urge (because you want this relationship to work so bad) is to try harder, it actually isn't going to help you, your partner or your relationship to do so. You may need to lower your expectations of that intimate connection with your partner while she is unwell and redirect your energy into nurturing you and doing things that make you feel really good. I think you can only support her and respect her decisions on how she is going to manage her illness. I would suggest you calmly state what things really make you feel good in the relationship, and find out what makes her feel really good in the relationship. I know it can sound a bit over simplified but if you can establish some common ground and common goals, you may be able to work on this together. I hope I am not being too idealistic but if you can get as close to that ideal as possible, it will help you both weather the storm of bipolar. I sense she needs more regular appts, more therapy, and maybe some anti-depressants introduced at a low dose while the mood stabilisers keep her mood as stable as poss. Limiting alcohol will help with that too. Hope this helps.

Sounds a lot like my relationship. Glad you posted for advice

Jcloud, Coping with Bipolar Partner’s Mood Swings Here are some tips for surviving and thriving in your relationship: Breathe. When things are tough, take a deep breath and step back. It’s a disease — it’s not the person. So you try to remember that. Build support. Caring for someone with a disease can keep you focused on their needs, but you also need your own sources of support. Joining a support group for family members of bipolar patients can help. Working with your own therapist may also be a good idea. Support from understanding family and friends is also invaluable. Get away. Find time for just you, time away from your partner.   Perhaps even a week-end away on your own or with friends.   There are many opportunities calling your name. Laugh. Whether you can insert humor into the situation and get a good response is highly individual.   Try to make your partner laugh to help her out of the low moods.   Always keep in mind this is her disorder, not yours.   You want to be the support person so do not take it to heart if none of these ideas work out. Enforce meds. Make it clear to your partner that taking her medication is non-negotiable. If she refuses to take her meds (as people often do when they are manic), you leave, even if only to spend the night at a friend’s house to make your point. You’re not being cruel; you are trying to get her back on track. Recall your love. There are hard times in relationship with a bipolar partner.   See the woman you fell in love with, even when her moods are unpredictable. Know (or grow) your philosophy of commitment to a partner. You chose this lady; you did not make a commitment a disease. While a bipolar disorder is difficult, the person you fell in love with is still there. Take time to decide if you can stand by your lady or do you feel you have a philosophy regarding what you expect out of this relationship? Look for triggers. When your partner is in a stable or more favorable mood, pay close attention to what environmental triggers precipitated and are maintaining the stability. Often there are specific environmental stressors or soothers — including relationship issues — that influence mood swings. Use the soothers to help maintain the mood that both of you are desiring. Ask. Despite the mood swings, your partner can tell you what she needs. Have an honest discussion about what is helpful to her when she is in an undesirable mood. Attempt to incorporate ideas, plans, and strategies so that there can be a minimization of harmful effects. Keep talking. There may be days and weeks when it is not easy, but communication is essential. Communication during and between mood swings is critical to managing the accompanying stressors. I admire you for reaching out here in the forum in attempting to find ways to make this partnership work. Kindly, Kitt

Great info kitt!