Anger with ipolar spouse

Dear Jade -- Philomene again. Are you okay??? I know that we are in different time zones so my answers don't reach you at the moment you need. Don't let other people on the forum tell you what and how to say what you are feeling. This is a problem that abused/controlled people struggle with all their lives. We let others judge us -- we'r hard enough on ourselves. It's their weakness not ours that they are judging. Let them walk in your shoes or mine, then let them feel the blisters and callouses. No one has the right to manipulate anyone, especially on this forum about the "appropriateness" of the expressions of one member to another.

Solidarity is what this forum should attempt to provide. Not divisiveness. This world is filled with tragedy because someone imposes their values on someone else and causes pain saying they are only "trying to do good." It is like any politicized religions -- protestant, catholic, islam -- take the politics and self-inflated piety and sense of superiority out of the dogmas and at the base there is a spirituality. But people buy up dogma like a brandname 4x4.

Be a rebel, accept that you don't conform and be proud and happy that you are you. And you are not responsible for THEIR problems that you don't conform to their narrow points of view.

Your friend in taking arms against the sea of troubles,

Philomene

Dear Jade -- I love animals very much and have always had cats and dogs in my life. Each one as dear as the last when they inevitably become old and ill and we have to let them go. To witness abuse of animals on a daily basis is no different than witnessing abuse of a helpless child. Even in cases with authorities there are many examples when children are returned to custody of abusive (including sexually abusing parents) because of inaction or incompetence of the authorities. This isn't much comfort. The world we live in does not encourage comforting but shrugs and says "that's the way it is". That doesn't make it right. We lived in an area where there were a lot of hunters. They routinely shoot their own dogs. The dogs were kept in miserable kennels (illegal and the police did nothing), they were transported in vehicles in a way that was also illegal. One man's dogs strayed and he gave me his phone number. The dogs finally came to us -- starved and desperate. We tempted them into the yard. Then called the owner -- who never returned our call. At least I knew someone in the hunting club and they came to retrieve the animals. The owner was so concerned he never even bothered to stop by and thank us. I can also tell you when there is a film or documentary and our dogs here an animal -- dog, cow, horse, bird, etc. in distress -- they understand and whine and become very agitated.

Who is responsible for monitoring and assessing situations of animal cruelty in your area? Do you have a town council or a mayor that you can speak to? Or one of the animal shelter organizations like the SPCA, Noah's Arl are the two I still remember from the USA, if that's where you live. Do you have any help in what are generally called Social Services? What about a letter to your congressman, senator? What about a letter to Mrs. Obama and her husband? In France Briget Bardot the former "sex cinema queen" is pre-eminent as an animal right's activist. She has a website. Certainly there are also forums that deal with this issue and people may have useful suggestions and who you can contact, what you can do legally. There have also been a group of women (many of them in their 50-60s) who posed nude for a very successive calendar against the use of animal fur in clothing -- their theme was "we only wear our own fur" or something of that sort. Are there any american movie stars who are interested in this issue? Check the web -- write to them. That's the sort of thing that "wakes" up the public and the bureaucrats!!!! What about Oprah Winfrey????

Now, try the technique of blocking out time to "feel" this issue, then try and remember that you've helped me a lot and you are capable of helping others even when you are deeply wounded. You are resourceful and bright, but also very vulnerable. Even more so when you don't seem to get the support your need. Do check out the web for forums and other sites that direct you to animal rights organizations. They are there to help deal with just these kind of problems and have dealt with overcoming obstacles presented by bureaucracy. I don't have the expertise to advise anything more.

But I am very worried about you and hope you will write to me several times a day just to say that you are okay. This is more worrying knowing you have to "tough" it out till you can see you psy. Maybe writing down all you are feeling would be a kind of therapy for you in the meantime. Sometime putting words on paper makes you see the situation you find yourself in more clearly. And it will help you to write it out -- express everything you feel, using all the words you want that you might not say in public.

Tomorrow I have to go to the hospital for a test, but I'll take my portable and should be able to get messages there. If not I'll check my mail early before I leave and as soon as I come home. So don't think I'm not going to try and be here for you.

I hope that telling me about this pain, makes the burden just a little lighter, like taking a pebble out of your shoe, a thorn out of you finger. It still hurts but maybe just a tiny bit less.

Above all don't close yourself off at this painful moment -- sharing is like letting someone else help you carry a heavy basket of dirty laundry. Only half as heavy.

I'm walking along with you and we are holding hands and the sun is shining and wer're talking and laughing and singing. I hope you can sing -- I have a terrible voice and used to be put in the boys section of the choir at church!!! Look -- do you see that rainbow??

Philomene

Hi Philomene,


No I don't live in the USA but I'm not leaving any stone unturned to help this little kitten. I will let you know when it is rescued... I don't want to hijack your thread with my concerns, so if you click on the email icon on the left of my post I will be able to update you regularly off-forum.

I know it might sound weird but I hope they find out what is wrong. Non-diagnosis means no treatment and symptoms just get worse. All the best at the hospital tomorrow.

I have picked you for a loyal person. If I don't hear from you, I know you are busy or have tech difficulties.

Yes, I take on pain very easily and you are so right that I am pulling it out like a thorn from my finger, tending to the wound and reminding myself it is okay to hurt. I'm glad I haven't closed off. I have remained open and know the wind will come back into my sails again. There is nothing half measure or dignfied with the way I lose the plot lol.

I love your scenario of being in the sun, holding hands, laughing and singing. I have a friend who suffers from nightmares like I do. We make "dreamland" dates. It is so good for getting off to sleep and getting back to sleep after a nightmare. We are hoping that we actually start remembering in the nightmares to seek each other out. Sounds bizarre, but it is amazing how effective it is!!! We made it up in chit chat and didn't expect it to work so well! So any nightmares sufferers reading this might want to trial making dreamtime catchup dates with someone you feel safe with and see if it works for you.

Now Miss Philomene, this thread is your thread and I look forward to hearing the next installments in your life :).

BTW - for someone who came to this forum complaining of being "angry", I see an amazing amount of kindness and compassion in you... I hope you factor that into your self image, alongside your experiences of anger.

Take good care of you!!!!

Jade :)

Dear Jade -- Thanks will get linked up through the mail. As you say we mustn't hi-jack the forum. I just have to set up my own account to access this service.

You sound better already. Actually I'm not angry with the world -- just with myself mostly. And when I feel marginalized and my basic human needs and identity (and basic needs and identities of other people) deformed by the actions of others, politicians, power mongers, even doctors can abuse patients by neglect of their total holistic health issues. So you just gotta work your way around these obstacles.

Oneof my bigget issues is feeling guilty -- sure I have done things I regret, but a lot of times I feel guilty when I am not in anyway responsible. My parents were good at using guilt as a control mechanism. Anyone have a comment on dealing effectively with accepting reasonable guilt versus being controlled by guilt-infliction??

Philomene

Hii to all -- I wanted to thank the member who sent me to Richard's website. I think he is very much in the same area as another American Kabat-Zinn (or Zinn-Kabat) who takes the "eastern approach" to getting back in touch with ourselves. However Kabat-Zinn doesn't advertise the "short-circuit cure" -- healing, is a long process. There was a wonderful article in the NEW YORKER some months ago about a Buddhist monk who found himself so overwhelmed by the pain of those who came to him that he nearly died. That's a lesson that even a healer is vulnerable to the stresses involved in healing and getting healed.

Part of the Buddhist approach seems to be one of discipline and repletion of activities of chants. That you can eventually loose yourself in the performance of these activities. And the loss, painful and scary as it is, can open us up to what is really important. I haven't had the courage or energy to try this out. But I do know when I spend a day raking leaves, working on the house, I think only of that. I focus on the leaves, the dew, the smells. You let go of your worries because what's important is that leaf on the ground that will prevent the flowers from blooming.

Signing off for now.

Hoping you all will stay in touch,

Philomene

Hi -- Have to check on his books. His titles are generally "more gentle" in nature. I realize there are lots and lots of books out there on "do it yourself" healing, meditation. He was recommended by my previous psy. Never did anything of this sort before and it got me through a really rough period, using CD meditation sessions at home. I need to get back to that, along with walking -- which again I was doing 5 kilometers a day before things came unravelled completely January 2013. Anyway, the Kabat Zinn stuff is all over the internet -- AMAZON is a place to start and used books at ABEBOOKS.COM for very good prices.

Won't know anything about the test results for about a week. And it's only the first of three. So it's kind of like being on a ship at sea -- leaving port this morning and can't do a thing till docking when we reach our destination. A good time just to look out at the horizon, up at the stars and read and meet people.

Philomene

Hi -- Glad you have so much to consult on your hard=drive. Someday when you feel "down" try taking half an hour to clean up some of the excess on the hard-drive. It's like sorting out your socks.

the medical exam today was a total cock-up. I was supposed to be there four hours -- instead eight hours before a ten-minute scan. Only to be told the doctor who ordered the exam did not realise that the staff could NOT perform the second and most important part of the exam. So I left, the doctor in charge never stopped into see me -- but I came home after a "free" lunch and with a bottle of mineral water. Also the taxi driver was a real lark as was his 80ish yearold mother riding along. So I got a lot of fun talking with them and forgot how mad I was at the doctor and all of the wasted time. I waste a lot of time for sure -- but that's at my discretion -- not being held prisoner by being "forgotten" or being prescribed treatements impossible for certain establishments to carry out.

I'm trying to suppress anger with doctors as we only moved to this area in July -- you can get black-listed by doctors just as you can by a mafioso who collects "protection" money to protect your small business.

Going to have to do a lot of body scanning myself to night to calm down.

Hang in there

Philomene

Hi -- Yes those are good suggestions. Le that anger out privately (letters etc) not to be sent. I have one good friend here, wise and kind and will call her today for suggestions on how best to proceed -- new generalist, new oncologist?????We'e just moved to this region nd so I don't have a stockpile of friends or experiences. The trick is to use my anger to quietly shame/manipulate these people -- if that aren't to hard-assed to feel it. So I'll be sure to take a calming pill before any one-on-one with any of these "doctors". There is nothing to prevent me from changing doctors -- but the trick is to find the right peron who takes the whole mess I'm in and helps either directly or with recommendations to treat the glabal issues. So I'll work as you say on getting emotions out in positive ways, not damaging myself or others in the process. Like raking leaves and seeing something positive come out of my effortw and my day, instead of having other people use my "energy" to no productive end and not even having the courtesy to explain why things were so messed up at their end by them. Instead youa re left feeling it is somehow all your fault -- that's the kind of manipulation i HATE.

Stay in touch -- i need this kind of help in getting rid of the great deal of anger 9OVER LOTS OF ISSUES AS YOU POINTED OUT) OUT OF MY SYSTEM BECAUSE IT ONLY IPEDES GETTING ON WITH POSITIVE STEPS. BUT BOY I WOULD LIKE TO TAKE A BASEBALL BAT TO MAKE THEM FEEL THE PHYSICAL ANGUISH THAT EOTIONAL ANGUISH PROVOKES.

philomene

Hi -- I live in a place withlots of rural roads and will give this one a try. i find that I can't really cry -- like that's the ultimate and I'lll never stop, though Ikknow it's not true. Guess I am afraid to give in to all the fears that they might just swllow me up forevr. I do have someone here that i am plan to calltoday -- i thinkk she might help me not only with expressing things, but also with some positive suggestions at solving the administrative nightmare I am now in that is causing at least themiinediate anguish. Not tot he exlusion though of trying out your remedy too. Going to a bithday party for a ten year old -- that's bound to help as well. kids always come up withsomething striaght out of nowhere -- and leave you giddy with laughter. So good program for the weekend of various moethods to relieve the heat-wave.

i'll let you know how it goes and htanks for sharing.

Pilomene

Hi Philomene -- Well I am just experiencing the first manic high since my husband came out of clinic (second time in 12 months.). The manifestation -- overspending without insulting me. Now, heh, a t-shirt, some jeans, a book, okay -- but expensive gardening tools, expensive computer equipment, and then plans that he at 77, me at 64 (with cardiac and cancer issues) could go and adopt a child in Asia. This is crazy stuff happening in the last two days. I told him so and he said as "my reward" I was free to cancel an order for a piece of expensive computer equipment.

Wow -- these highs are not much more fun than the lows. I forgot to put on my armor this morning.

Philomene

These were upped a month ago, slightly. As was dosage of mild anti-depressant/anti-axiety. He's scheduled to see his doctor in a couple of weeks. I sit in on the sessions (as asked by my partner).He's totally off alcohol, which is a really good thing. I know this will be discussed as I am asked by the doctor for my impressions.

Thanks Philomene

Thinking of you Ben in your challenge and endurance. I hope you find some joy for yourself in your life too. Hugs, Jade xo Welcome to HW!!! xo

Hi Philomene:

She has not taken her meds for the last 20 years. She managed to remain sane by self-medicating her requirement for sleep. In other words, whenever she would sense she wouldn't be able to get an adequate amount of sleep, she would pop a sleeping tablet. It was after visiting her sister last Christmas, that she ended up staying late, and of course, emotional buttons were pushed and when my wife tried to correct her sister's parenting attitude towards her grown daughter (aged 26), she ordered my wife out of the house. That was on Christmas night. From that night on, she quit taking any sleeping meds, and since December 26, has been sleeping on an average about 2 hrs. Her sister is Bipolar 1.

My wife's bipolar condition commenced after she had a head injury in a car wreck. She was off and on, on meds, until when she was thrown to the ground 20 years ago while riding her horse and impacted her head. It seemed like this second impact rectified the first causation of her mental illness (or so I would like to believe). And as I said, she has been clean these past 20 years.

Right now, it is impossible to communicate with her on how ill she is. She has had a total of 5 run-ins with the cops and each time managed to slip away without getting committed. When she accompanied me on my doctor's appointment, I slipped a note to the receptionist instructing her that it is my wife who needs to be seen urgently. She wasn't too cooperative and when the physician advised her that she has gone manic, she went ballistic and created a raucas. I thought the physician would have her committed at this stage but he simply apologized for being unable to do anything for her as he is restricted (whatever that meant).

She is into her 9th week, and I have no idea whether her illness has peaked, as the symptoms of non-stop babble, staying awake, getting rude and insolent both at home and in public continues unabated. It is utterly horrible and she has doesn't have the slightest clue of where she's at, the emotional toll it is taking on me and on others she confronts, etc.

Sorry, didn't mean to respond tis long.

Ben