So I just went to a doctor about
a month ago. It was for some uncanny health problems that I'd been having for a very long time at work. I work on a ship and have been working on them since I was about
18. Currently its a construction vessel that works around the world in different oil fields doing different kinds of jobs. My problems first started happening after I got hired with this company when I was about
21, I work at a rate faster than several people and I think at a rate faster than several people. I've known this for a very long time and I've got a reputation for it so I know it can't just be in my head. I have to restrain my speech around most people during conversation, or layman my thoughts or ideas. And even then about
7 times out of 10, I'll sort of get a look of agitation or confusion because of the way my mind works, with most people. I have a way of being humorous about
any and everything, but I can still take things seriously simultaniously when I need to. I'm kind of crude sometimes but its a mixture of the humor and being a career sailor I think. Alot of people don't understand that I think and flight of ideas can be overwhelming and they kind of just start to ignore me. Most people that is.
The "physical damage" started when I was about
21 after kind of "nesting" with my ship and crew and then I started doing this thing where I run around like a cracked out jackrabbit and take care of business. The first time I pulled a muscle inside of my abdomen, and the second few times was for a consistent return of carpel tunnel syndrome in both my wrists. Which recently I've gotten surgery for and I think even then I've still got it a little bit even after the fact. The last time I was at work I started getting blood in my stool and freaked out because I thought that I had some kind of terrible illness or stomach cancer, it being a hereditary illness. But after speaking to a couple of people and hearing about
my condition I think it might have just been stressed induced. And a byproduct of depending on IB profin PM in order to sleep. But I'm still not sure, pretty sure but not exactly sure. I've also suffered from heat exhaustion a couple of times. Not often but its happened and did very recently.
At the point where I started giving out blood, I figured that enough was enough and I saw a MD about
what was going on in my head and my body. I thought that I had ADHD. But after talking to the doctor he told me that I had a form of bipolar syndrome that isn't necessarily anything to do with traditional bi polar syndrome and its called, "hypomania".
I live in a place along the gulf of mexico thats full of a little bit of conditioned ignorance and for a very long time, since as long as I can possibly remember I've had this underlying frustration and anger for it and the people there. I go on tangents about
ignorant people and I try to kind of psychologically attack ignorance itself with sarcasm as a way to try to rile people up and make them not think or do terrible things. I taught myself Boxing and from the places I've lived I practice different things like parts of muay thai and kick boxing because I'm a smaller person and have this drive to "attack bigger things or ideas" that I see as a detriment to humanity. That sounds wierd. I don't like racist, sadistic, selfish people. I cannot watch the news and not get angry most of the time. I listen to music alot and I like art if its "visually stimulating". I've actually almost gotten into trouble with law enforcement because of a feeling of injustice and anger and when I'm in a situation with that "pointless enforced dominance and control" I usually just try very hard to keep quiet and keep going but it is very very hard. When I was a little kid I would do the same thing with my parents when I knew they were wrong. I do it now with supervisors and captains sometimes.
Its very wierd and its not a drive to get fame or money or respect I just kind of do it and can't help it. Its like a reflex, like breathing or drinking water its just something there that I can't turn off. I read about
a feeling of being grand or powerful and it makes sense but at the same time I try very hard to keep my "feet on the ground" and don't let myself get too far into that mode of thinking. I did that long before I even knew that I had a psychological condition, people thought it was a young immaturity and ambition. Which I kind of agreed with except that even I manage to irritate highly educated college kids as well. Especially if they're condescending, I feed off of that I think.
For a very long time I used marijuana when I could (my work will not allow it) to keep me level and let my mind rest because I get a psychological weariness from just "fighting" so much and being frustrated. I still think rapidly and it never ever goes away, physically or mentally unless I self medicated. I've since gotten a prescript
ion from my doctor which is supposed to help, its a sedative but I can't take it until I see my employers physician. I'd like to know what the hell exactly this condition is that makes me do this because it does not seem like the traditional form of hypomania or periods of hypomanic behavior. Its almost like an unwilling drive and its pretty torturing sometimes because I have a feeling of being too much in one person and I drink sometimes or would self medicate when not working to stop it because I'm afraid of getting into trouble. Being too precocious and regular people not understanding or comprehending me. I can usually get a point across but there is a certain level of stupid in some people that you just can't penetrate and I feel like don quixote with a windmill. Everyday, all day. Its very tiring.
Like I said I'm going to try the medication and the Dr. said to not stop my physical activity and to use the medicine as I see fit. Maybe it will help me kind of aim it and mediate it. I'd just like to understand exactly what it is.
Post Edited (Farren) : 8/3/2014 2:28:19 AM (GMT-6)