GUILT, GUILT, AND MORE GUILT!!!

Do any of you guys experience a lot of guilt and self hate?  I want to work on my self esteem b/c I feel like a lot of my feelings about myself lead to my depression---feeling like a failure, not meeting my unrealistic expectations, etc....

Also, I have a hard time with intimacy with my husband....anyone struggle with that?  I feel very guilty and even sometimes feel like he doesn't like me or want to be with me--even though there are no signs or any actions to show that...............sometimes I think it comes from my wreckless behavior in this area in my past, and sometimes it is just me thinking he deserves better.  WHATEVER it is, all I know is I end up in tears by the time it is over and don't even know why-- just feel guilty and sometimes even used...............have no idea why though?  Anyone deal with this kind of guilt and unworthiness????   Any suggestions on how to work on it and iimprove self worth.....

 

I would definitely like to talk more....However, I am new to this kind of thing.  I have never been on any kind of chat room/forum,,,,etc.  So, I don't know how to find your email or if I can find it on here..... I figured we werent' supposed to talk in much detail about that topic, but I just had to ask in a broad way, just to see if this is another common thing for BP II or if it is just a self esteem issue......just let me know how to email you or how to find the email....thanks for your help....it is greatly appreciated..

 

Sassie, psychnurse is right! I struggle myself, and have been seeing therapists and pdoc's for more than 15 years. I've been on Depakote, Paxil, Prozac, Zoloft, Risperdal, and Xanex. My pdoc is now talking about keeping me on the Zoloft and Risperdal, and adding Limictal. For years I was diagnosed with Depression/Anxiety, but my new pdoc, since January, says I probably have BPII. I don't experience mania in the traditional sense, and luckily no psychosis (yet, ha ha ha).

I don't know if the guilt/shame/fear, etc. is part of the BPII or low self esteem, or both, probably both. I know this is easy to say, but we have to live each day at a time; we have to stop beating ourselves up; we have to starve that negative monster and grow a positive cheerleader for ourselves! I struggle EVERY DAY; sometimes it's hard just to make it through an hour, and I have a 6 mth. old son now. Sometimes I think it would be better if I wasn't around to screw him up, but not having a mother could be much worse. Something I heard the other day; ...considering all the opportunities you didn't have, and all the ones that you were unable to recognize at the time, you've done pretty darn good! Try to think about what you do have, and know that YOU ARE NOT ALONE! Isn't it funny that so many of us are in the helping professions?? I'm a social worker... take care and remember: The past is gone, the future is unknown, all we have is today! XOXOXOXOXOX

One thing I have learned is that these feelings do pass......now don't get me wrong,,,,when I am in the mist of an irrational moment of rage or sadness, I see no end to the pain....but I am trying to remind myself on days that I feel good,,,,,that when a bad day comes, it won't last forever..................I don't know what else to do really.  Like I said, my job is my sanity--which seems odd--you would think 2nd graders would push someone like me RIGHT over the edge.  But for whatever reason, these kids are my life (for 180 days)--I still struggle with the irritability and depression during the times I am not occupied,,,and I have to watch my tone with these kids b/c sometimes I do feel like I am going to go off on them for asking me the SAME thing 50 times.......but I know they need me, I know I have a purpose, and I love what I do--seeing these children learn and grow and being a part of building their self-esteem and their independence is such therapy for me....it is almost like I am trying to fix them b/f they become as ****ed up as I am...........I just don't want these children to go through what i have been through and go through each day.  I want them to feel unconditional love and know that no matter who they come in contact with--their 2nd grade teacher believed in them.......that is my passion and that gives me sanity on my not so good days.  These are not even my children so just imagine the role you play in your kids lives---they love you and need you more than anything..........just try and look to that when you are down.......:)