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Bipolar wife doesn't think she needs her medication.

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Posted 9/21/2016 5:21 PM (GMT 0)
I've posted here before...touching on my situation in my 'I'm new here" post. I wont re post details, just a synopsis and a since my last post update...
Also I would like to point out...I say none of this in anger, only in frustration. I love my wife more than anything and want so much to be able to help...I'm just lost.

My wife has been off of her medication for...close to 8 months and she has since...for a lack of better explanation...gone off the deep end. She tells me we are no longer a couple and will never be again...(she's moved out of our room and is sleeping on the couch) she doesn't like me to say I love you any more or have any contact at all come to that...all the while she has taken up hanging out with a few of the more unscrupulous characters that fall into her circle of friends and has gone (as I see it) full self destructive mode, drinking, staying out all hours of the night,coming home drunk, dating other men. I've become a roommate that pays the bills and takes care of the house and our daughter...and also it feels, a stubborn teenager.
My main focus has been our 5 year old, going to work and keeping the household up and running but I feel like this isn't helping...And I want nothing more than to help.
I don't understand what's going through her head in all of this and when I try to bring it up...or the idea of medication she will harangue me.

A time frame for all of this is...4 weeks...it feels like 4 years at the rate things are going...

Post Edited (JayGatsby) : 9/21/2016 11:28:43 AM (GMT-6)

Posted 9/22/2016 12:30 AM (GMT 0)
I am frustrated seeing you frustrated.

Your wife's actions mimic my now deceased from a long illness wife's actions.

I could have written the same posts, this one and the several you had a month or so ago under as you said the title, "I'm new here."

The only difference between you and I is that I don't think I would proclaimed my deep devotion and love to my wife had I known, as you said, she "has gone (as I see it) full self destructive mode, drinking, staying out all hours of the night, coming home drunk, dating other men."

I can't image my writing this to a helpline:

"I know for a fact that my wife began cheating on my about 2 months into our marriage. I strongly suspect she has been engaged in 3somes. I know for a fact she started an affair with a fellow employee 5 months after the first affair.

"I know for a fact that they have sex on the top of her desk after the students have left for the day, for she has in effect told me this several times.

"I know for a fact that she had outside sex over 2,000 times. I know for a fact that when she was found out by me, that she treated me like a badly for the first 10 years, and treated me like a dog for 19 years after that, and tried to destroy me every day of that because murder can carry the death penalty, or 30 years or more in jail."

"But you know what? I love her with all my heart. I love her every time she looks at me and says, "I hate you!!!!!!!" for inadvertently stopping her affairs. I love her for saying ""I wish I had never met you!!!" hundreds of times.

"I love her for totally screwing up our son to the point he had an illegitimate son with his fellow 16 year old girlfriend, who grew up with the worst unmarried parents in the Western Hemisphere, and who also at 16 had an illegitimate child.

"I totally love her for screwing up our child, and nobody can fault me for that except to say that I'm a complete nut.

"I don't care how many she messed up, I give a crap, I have no feelings for those children and adults who are totally messed up because of her, all I care about are my feelings about how much I love. That's all that matters in the world, is my love for my corrupt wife who destroyed people, and cares no more about that than I do.

"What does our child matter compared to my feelings???? My feelings rule!!!!!

"Guess who's in my spare bedroom now as I write this. Another borderline personality syndrome woman, just like my wife was. She too was sexually abused as a child.

"The first night of spending the night here because she recovering from a week of constipation, has serious back troubles, and is trying to work her way into my house and my life.

"So who is she (better yet, who am I?)?

She's the one who 6 months after getting to know me, and buttering me up, conned me out of a sum of money, and who had already told me, "I have a .38 pistol and I'm not afraid to use it."

Letting me know it wouldn't be practical for me to appear on her front porch wanting my money back. And I didn't.

And so, a year after getting ripped off by her, who called her back and asked her, "Are you mad at me?" like the wimp that I am.

It's now 6 months after that, and tomorrow she has her first appointment with a chiropractor which I'm paying for along with her light bill for the month.

Me and my dog are terribly happy to have company in the house. I must be terribly sick.

I just love taking care of her when she's in her child side of her divided ego, "Is the hot chocolate OK? Is it too hot?" Oh, so you want to lay down on the bed?" after she had driven my car all over town.

I once told her, you don't have to con me, I'll just give it to you.

The early stages of sex will come next, as she tries to pull me deeper in. I'm telling myself, "Hide your important papers because she'll use that to her advantage."

So who am I to preach to anybody?

"Yes, honey, I'll be right there. Now, how's that fever? Oh, you want more hot chocolate? On the way, sweetie."

We're sickening aren't we?
Posted 9/24/2016 12:33 AM (GMT 0)
Hi JayGatsby,

I am sorry for how things have been with your wife.

Has your wife been seeing a therapist? It sounds like she needs to visit a psychiatrist to get some help. If you are unable to talk to her about your behaviour, maybe you can ask her family or a close friend to talk to her and try to convince her to seek help.

If you don't feel comfortable there, it may be best for you to move if possible. This relationship does not sound healthy. Ensure that you and your 5 year old is safe. Please remember to take care of yourself as well. This can be a lot to handle.

We are here for you.

UA
Posted 9/24/2016 12:35 AM (GMT 0)
Hi Tim Tam,

Just a friendly reminder that we must ensure that we are supportive in our responses to other members. HealingWell is a supportive and understanding community.

Thanks,
UA
Posted 9/24/2016 4:51 PM (GMT 0)
UA:

In a way, I'm not supportive at all of this guy. I'm not even sure he's real. He hasn't written back in several days.

If you've ever been cheated on the first feeling you have of learning that is not overwhelming love. It's "what kind of a dog am I married to?"

It's "can I emotionally survive this?" It's "can I survive this chest pain?"

In another way, I'm not really concerned about this guy. I more concerned about his daughter who is being abused by the same wife that this man professes his true love for.

Why is your first concern for a woman who is abusing your child, not the child, but for the amount of love you have for this woman? That's not real.

But you're also correct. As a manic-depressive, my anger can rise above the ability of my lithium to contain myself.

In such a case, my concern goes out to the person who is being abused, and I have no concern for anyone else. They aren't in trouble, so why should I be concerned?

I realize, you can get in trouble with those other people. But then, if I don't stand up to those who are being abused, I will be in trouble with myself, and I have to live with myself as missing a chance to help someone who is down.

That's the sphere that I live in.
Posted 9/24/2016 5:18 PM (GMT 0)
and there are forum rules as well tim tam.
Posted 9/25/2016 2:50 AM (GMT 0)
Hi Tim Tam,

Thank you for your explanation.

I understand that you may have you own opinions. However, this is a community where we come together to support each other. This is supposed to be a place where our members feel comfortable, safe and supported.

As HT mentioned, we have rules and guidelines. One of the guidelines is we show come compassion. If you read a post and you think you may not be supportive if you respond, I recommend that you refrain from responding.


Thanks,
UA
Posted 9/25/2016 6:27 PM (GMT 0)
UA:

I appreciate your responding.

And I know what you're talking about.

However, and I do appreciate your saying that.

But as regards the past situation, I know I go off the deep end. In regards to the most recent post, the person I was addressing mentioned conditions that I believed to be child abuse.

My feelings were, his attention is on how much he loves his wife, but part of her abusive behavior is toward their child.

Well, yeah, that will do it. No more, have a happy day.

But I do realize I go too far. But I'd rather get in trouble with adults than get In trouble with myself for not doing what I could for a child or another adult who is in trouble.

"Forum Rules," right? I've never seen them in my life. I don't even know where they are.

But I am going to look. Thank you for telling me about them, and for your reply.
Posted 9/26/2016 12:06 AM (GMT 0)
I am vision impaired and it is clearly visible. see the box with bi-polar, look above. if people do not follow the rules then we would have anarchy. I suggest you take the time to look at them. mods have a much easier time when people know them, and know what to do when you see something not right. ie alert. this is why the mods always inform people to the rules. at this point young people access the forums, and some posts are not deemed fit to be posted. I am addressing all members here, including myself.
Posted 9/26/2016 1:02 PM (GMT 0)
I am real, I do love my wife and I also love my daughter, I am doing everything that I can to keep us going. I didn't respond back because I felt attacked by that response. I don't see it as "what kind of person am I married to but, how can I help my wife and our family."
Posted 9/26/2016 2:32 PM (GMT 0)
Hi JayGatsby,

I am sorry for how you felt. But I understand. I too felt Tim Tam's post was not supportive and attacking, hence why I responding letting him know. If you ever feel this way again, you can feel free to e-mail me. My e-mail address is listed in my profile.
I hope that this has not turned you off from the forum as we have very caring and supportive members. I hope you would continue to post and please know that we are here for you. Please know that you are a wonderful person.

Sometimes it is hard to walk away from the ones we love. Especially when kids are concerned, we sometimes do not want to break up the family and we try to make things work. You mentioned that your focus is your 5 year old. Taking care of others can be hard as we sometimes neglect to take care of ourselves. Please be sure you remember to take care of yourself as well.

Please let us know how you have been and how things have been at home?

UA
Posted 9/26/2016 5:18 PM (GMT 0)
JayGatsby,

You do sound sincere, and I do apologize.

One thing, I felt boxed in a corner, and I lashed out at you for my own benefit.

I must have thought you were real because I wrote you such a long posts each time.

I did feel frustration where a wife who was being so unfaithful, and all the husband could think of was how much he loved her. That is commendable. I couldn't fully see that side.

It is what I tried to do for 10 years, tried to hold my family together, when my wife was probably cheating. And, like your wife, she showed nothing but distain for me, open hatred.

I stayed for our then 3 year old son, for my half of the house that we were buying, for 3 people under one roof cheaper than 3 people under 2 roofs, for me or my child wasn't going to be punished because she had messed up.

As soon as she told me to leave because she had just got caught having a probably affair, I said why don't you leave the house for a week, and I'll leave for a week. And she said. "No."

I wasn't going to actually leave when my week came. But I didn't completely wimp out.

So being fair wasn't in her vocabulary. She didn't play fair. She was one of the dirtiest people I've ever known. And she was capable...of anything. If you got between her and sex, yeah, moving out might look nice. "No, take the house, sweetheart, and the kid. And if we have 2 kids, take that one, too." Whew!

This woman I'm trying to help out now, recently spent two nights here. I'm thinking of the time she ripped me off financially 2 years ago. Last night, saw a true crime TV show where senior citizen female was financially helping out a young male, who had been in jail for rape and she knew it, and he blows her away, and I see myself.

I see this woman I'm trying to help out financially telling me two years ago, just a month or two before she ripped me off, that she owns a .38 pistol, and is not afraid to use it. Well, she was meaning on me if I tried to get my money back, that she was going to rip me off of in a few weeks.

I'm thinking about that TV show last night, and I'm thinking about this woman, the same woman who ripped me off, spending two nights at my house just a few nights ago. I'm saying to myself, "I'm telling you, she's in your house. I'm telling you, you're playing with fire.

"You need to do what everybody was telling that woman to do with that guy last night on TV, get away from him," and that's what she was trying to do when he killed her.

So, I can't come down on you, for I am re-living my situation with my wife.

Oh, another thing, I think if your wife keep drinking to please this guy she's going out with, she could turn into an alcoholic.
Posted 9/28/2016 10:58 AM (GMT 0)
keep strong jay.
Posted 9/28/2016 9:04 PM (GMT 0)
Thanks Happy Turtle, and everyone else for the kind words...

An update,

She ended things with the person she was seeing, though she has in no time started seeing someone new, she spent the weekend away; at this person's house. She'll ask if its ok to leave, I will say no and she will respond "you'll be fine" and she will leave anyway. I took our daughter to the museum, its been our go to when my wife disappears. I worked late this week and when I got home she yelled at me for not being home to help our daughter with her homework and then she promptly leaves to go out with this new person she is seeing. Ive been in contact with her mother and her therapist and last night I suggested she see her doctor again and offered to schedule a session...she yells saying she is perfectly fine being off her medication and I don't know what I'm talking about I need to accept that she doesn't love me, and then promptly says she's going to start spending her weekends at this person's house to give herself some time away from me and our daughter and vice versa me time away from her. A person she has known for all of a few weeks from what I can gather...she still doesn't talk to me about very much. I've been seeing a therapist for myself and the main theme has been to keep focusing on myself and my daughter and I'm doing that, but I'm so very frustrated...I feel like I'm living with a stranger and I miss my wife...
Posted 10/2/2016 11:13 PM (GMT 0)
Hi JayGatsby,

I'm sorry things are still the same way. You mentioned that you have been in contact with both her mother and therapist. Is it possible for her mother to speak to her about seeking treatment and visiting her therapist? Would she listen to her mother?

I am glad you are attending therapy as well and focusing on yourself and your daughter. This is a good step. Hang in there and keep on moving forward and taking care of yourself and your daughter. We are here for you my friend.

UA
Posted 10/5/2016 8:14 PM (GMT 0)
UA,

We've been working on that, though at the moment anything her mother says just makes her push away even further...its like dealing with a stubborn teenager. Since my last post she's moved out and moved in with the person she was seeing, someone she's known for all of two weeks. I came home from work and she had moved all of her stuff out. She's taken our daughter and I've had to take steps to try and get full custody...I'm absolutely heartbroken that it has come to this...I don't think my wife will ever come back.


Jay

Post Edited (JayGatsby) : 10/6/2016 12:14:36 PM (GMT-6)

Posted 10/13/2016 4:05 AM (GMT 0)
Jay,
I understand that your wife was diagnosed as having bipolar and was taking medication for this disorder until 8 months ago. Is that right? How long was she taking the medication? Have you been married for 6 years (your daughter is 5) or more? When was she first diagnosed? What kind of therapy was in play? I have bipolar and see a nurse practitioner for medication management only. Appointments are anywhere from 4 weeks to 8 weeks depending on my condition. Med management is sufficient while a person is stable. A counselor or therapist give different types of treatment.

I realize you love your wife very much. What I can see is your love is greater than your hurt !

If I was your wife what would I be saying about you? If I were a judge in custody court what PROOF would you present to me as to why you should get custody of your child. In a courtroom accusations don't mean diddly. It is provable facts that count. Having a mental illness is not proof of inability to parent a child. I am playing devil's advocate here. I am not implying you are not the better parent. I would be interested in finding out what your wife would tell her lawyer. Does she have the ability to support your daughter if you paid reasonable child support? Is she employed or at least employable? Can she try and tell the court your daughter is better with her instead of in Child Care while you work?

I have recently joined this group and have my own post MOM AND DAUGHTER ARE BOTH BIPOLAR. My daughter definitely went 'off the deep end' two months ago. I am living what you are going through. (well it is kind of different parent vs spouse) but, our situation does not involve a small defenseless child. If your wife has not been taking care of your daughter all this time maybe she can be encouraged to send her back to you so she can continue to be "FREE" of the responsibility. This is not a you are bad, I am good situation. This is not right or wrong. This is I love my daughter more than my wife and want her to be in a healthy living situation. You might consider saying something like "I know you have felt burdened with our marriage. What about 'baby girl' stays with me while we sort out our marriage issues." No talk of medication, you are wrong, you are unfit... nothing ... Just letting you get your daughter in a safe place for the time being. Under those conditions you could give lots and lots of visitation as long as 'baby girl' is not in any danger.

May I suggest you keep your eye on the ball.... WHAT IS BEST FOR YOUR DAUGHTER. If it is best for your daughter to stay with your in-laws until a better arrangement can be arranged go for it. Again, no right, no wrong. Just what is best for my daughter.

Please forgive me if I have been too blunt.

Bipolar Mom
idea
Posted 10/13/2016 3:57 PM (GMT 0)
Jay, my daughter & husband went through a custody battle & won. Proving a mother unfit is next to impossible. However, if the court establishes the parent is causing psychological harm to the child it can be done. This is exactly how they got custody. Keep in mind they had been divorced many years too.

The mother has a very long history of being bipolar & she would never stay on her medication. As a result of not staying on her medication the situation was totally out of hand.

The judge ordered psych evals on the mother & daughter. Both drs said it would be in the child's best interest to live with her father & it was done. It took them 18 months to get through the court system here but I just want you to know it is very much possible.

If you are considering divorcing her now you may want to talk to an atty about doing this now rather than later. Take care & good luck.
Posted 10/14/2016 12:54 PM (GMT 0)
Hi Jay,

I am sorry for the way things have turned. Focus on your daughter and you. I hope you get through with custody.

Please know that we are here for you.

UA
Posted 10/15/2016 12:36 AM (GMT 0)
The possibility that your wife would put your daughter at risk by taking her to a house with a STRANGER is so dangerous. Taking risks with her own well-being is one thing but to expose you daughter to a person that might hurt her is even worse. I hope you are able to get your 'baby girl' back in her own home soon.

Bipolar Mom
Posted 2/9/2017 11:50 PM (GMT 0)
It's been a while since I last posted.
In my last post I mentioned that my wife had moved out and moved in with someone she had known for only a few weeks. I also was in the beginning steps of getting custody of my daughter. Up to my first attempt at custody I was watching my daughter as much as I could to keep her out of the environment my wife had placed her in. It also made it easier on both my wife and my daughter because my daughters school is only few blocks from our home and the,as I have come to call it "secondary location," is a solid hour and forty five minute commute every morning. As time progressed my wife let me keep her less and less. I tried for custody and was unsuccessful...as was mentioned by user straydog proving "unfit" is difficult. After that she changed tactic and completely refused to let me see my daughter and turned a bit nasty. It's hard to believe this person vindictively saying you can't see your daughter is my wife. Fast forward a month, my daughter stayed with my brother over a weekend. He called and let me talk to her and then as siblings do offered advice. In what limited detail I can give, as the case is ongoing; after my second attempt my daughter is currently staying with my parents at my request while things are sorted. My wife has, as of last week been placed back on her medication (with an expected 8 week turn around due to the severity of her condition) and is in therapy and is currently enrolled in inpatient care. I did what was best for both my daughter and for my wife, even if at this point she doesn't see it.

Bipolar Mom - My wife has been on medication since she was 9, there have been times in past of falling away from taking it but it has never been this severe. Married for 7 years my daughter recently turned 6.

Thanks for the support,

Jay
Posted 2/10/2017 1:03 AM (GMT 0)
Hi Jay,

I am sorry for you did not get custody. I am glad that your daughter is with your parents. This way you know she is safe and sound at the end of each day. I hope that you can visit her over there?
How are you doing with all this?

I hope your wife will get the help she needs. Can you retry for custody now that your wife is inpatient treatment?

UA
Posted 2/10/2017 2:01 PM (GMT 0)
Jay, keep in mind your best shot at getting custody of your daughter is proving she is causing psychological effects with your daughter. Going this route a judge will order psych evals on both with independent examiners. so please do not give up hope.

I do hope that you will get to see your daughter & glad the wife is getting help.

Take care.
Posted 2/10/2017 5:24 PM (GMT 0)
UA - The timing fell unfortunately for the second attempt, I was laid off right after I tried for custody so at the time I didn't have a steady income so my daughter was placed with my parents. Since then I'm gainfully employed again, I can appeal but I've opted to let her stay with my parents. My parents are 1200 miles away so I see her on the weekends and we face time every night. Right now my daughter needs stability and between an involuntary career shift and my wife's care our home isn't there yet, as much as I'd like it to be. How am I doing? I'm at a new level of stress, frustration and misery. I love my wife and these were some of the hardest decisions I've ever had to make. She is still very adamant that she doesn't need help and has painted me as the enemy; because of me she is getting help she doesn't need, because of me our daughter is not with her and she is in inpatient care, because of me the person she moved in with is no longer in the picture. Despite this I visit her every day, I just want what is best for them both.

Thanks,

Jay
Posted 2/10/2017 8:17 PM (GMT 0)
Jay,

Your posts brought tears to my eyes. It is hard to be strong and try to save your marriage, protect your child and get help for your wife. (Not necessarily in that order)

Your willingness to ensure your daughter is in a safe and stable home is commendable.

My Dad once told me that in all situations you always put your children first. It is so easy to speak those words but to live them requires strength and character.

Concentrate on your child, you, and then your wife. Take care of yourself. Maybe you should allow a day between visits with your wife?

Remember...when people with mental illness are having issues they frequently blame everyone but themselves. For some reason they are unable to realise their actions are not what they might have been if they were taking their medication.

Take a deep breath and hang in there.

Clo
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