Just need to talk...

I really don't know where to start, but I have got to get all these thoughts out of my head before it explodes. I am 32 years old. I work as a nurse. I am married to a wonderful man and have two daughters. I have been being treated for depression for more than 13 years and I knew long before that that there was something not quite right, but I could never really put my finger on it. about 4 years ago, my doctor talked to me about bi-polar disorder, but I wasn't ready to deal with it at the time, but I think the time has come to deal with it now whether I am ready or not. I come from a family of many non-dx'd, "self-medicating" mentally ill people. I'm not embarassed by them, but I want so much more for my life and my family. I credit my husband for helping me hold my life together as well as I have and the fact that I am still in this fight at all. He always has this way of protecting me from myself when I am at my worst. The sad part is that he most often is the one that has to deal with the brunt of my frustrations. Frustrations that are seemingly growing increasingly worse as time goes by. I've never been dx'd with BPD for various reasons, but I have little doubt that this is my disorder. My doctor simply has me dx'd with non-specific depression and we agreed to leave it at that until I am ready to move forward. I don't tend to have full blown mania aside from one episode several years ago, but the depression comes like clockwork and knocks me off my feet every time. May-June and December-Feb are my worst times. I get very kranky and irritable. I have little ability to concetrate, and I tend to get very parinoid. My thoughts ramble around in my head in such a way that I can't make sense of any of them. How do I handle all of this??? I haven't left my house for any reason other than work in about 3 weeks. Good plan, huh? I am now at the point that I want to deal with it head on becuse it is getting worse. I am not suicidal by any stretch of the imagination, but I do find myself thinking more and more "what if" and this scares me. The problem comes in with the fact that I have just accepted another job that I will start in March. they have excellent benefits, BUT will not kick in for 3 months. I'm worried about how being a nurse dx'd with bi-polar disorder will effect me and how being a nurse with undx'd bipolar disorder will effect me and everyone around me.

Hi SCRN, First let me welcome you to healing well forum.  We are glad to have you.

Second, the hardest thing can be for a caregiver like yourself to get help and deal with a diagnosis.  I know this firsthand.  I worked in the mental health field for yrs.  I have Major Depression, MS, Multiple System Atrophy (dx'ed last week).  I have been seeing a counselor and psychiatrist since August and it is the hardest thing I have ever done.  I find myself being concerned about what they are writing in my chart as I know it will follow me everywhere for the rest of my life.  At first I was very guarded in what I would say to them in fear of this.  But I have to get over it and help myself with the depression and terrible feelings that I have everyday.

I don't have BP but felt compelled to answer your post.  Someone close to me does have bipolar and has been stable on medication for over 2 years now.  It is possible.  You being a nurse probably already know this.  It sounds like you have a great support system with your husband.  Good luck with your new job.  Please keep us informed of how you are doing.

I was a registered CNA for over 30 yrs.I was dx with Alzheimer's nearly 9 yrs.ago.I accepted it & have gone on with life.You can too.Acceptance is 1/2 the battle.