I Feel So Alone

Hi. My name is Abbey. I am new to this and so im not used to this. My mom introduced this website to me today and i decided to use it. I am bipolar and have impulse behavior, add, adhd, and depression. I have been on meds since about 9 years old. I dont know what to do anymore. I am 21 years old and have been committed to hospitals5 different times for attempt suicide, and have done alot of outpatient programs. I go through the same pattern every year and i feel lost...i dont think i can do it anymore. I dont want to die, but at the same time i dont want to exist. I dont have anyone to talk to about my problems. Some days i will sleep all day and other times i can go 2 days without sleeping. Just like binging.....i will somtimes binge on "comfort" food and other times i will starve. My mood swings are out of control, i have no love for myself, and the worst part is i dont know what to do. I have a boyfriend who doesnt understand me and family that takes me "dumping." I dont where to begin but at the fact everyday i wake up wondering how will i make it through the day. At 18 my impulsive behavior got out of control and i went on a credit card binge. I now i have 8 credit cards, a car that is 4 months behind, and a life that i cant manage. Every year i go through a cycle where everything is out of my control then i get it into control and lose it again. Well now im at my breaking point. Sometimes i feel like inflicting pain on myslef to take my mind off whatever it is that is pulling me down. I dont know what to do anymore. I go through about 12-17 mood swings a day. Ive tried journaling, talking to my Dr., talking to my  family, jogging, and trying to do things i enjoy. But i just seem to not enjoy anything anymore. I dont really know what kind of advice I am looking for, but it felt good to vent and hopefully some one will read this and maybe have some advice, because i feel so lost and lonely.

Thank you so much Mary for your blessings, i need them at this point in my life. Im so lost and dont know where to go for help. Thank you for your input

Thanks Peg for your input. It feels good to hear somebody to relate to me. The tatto thing i do too, lol, i have 8 already and im 21. Getting my next one very soon. I dont enjoy things as much as i used to either. Some mornings it so hard for me to pull my self out of bed, yet other days when i am manic i will be up and ready to mow the lawn, wash my car, clean the entire house, ect. But my mood swings are so often that after doing these things i sometimes find myself back in bed and crying. That is wonderful you have a supportive husband and be thankful for that really! I have a boyfriend for 4 years, and when i try to tell him how im feeling or tell him i really need him cause im feeling alone, he tells me to deal with it or turns around and calls me crazy and tells me i need help. I need to leave but at the same time i cant let it go because i feel if i leave i wont have anything. I wish people who didnt have illnesses could see and not understand but really know what is going and be great and supportive. It really sux having to live with this, but what can we do but sit and really get to know about our illnesses and try to contain a balanced life. Thank you again for your input, take care.