Catch 22. What should I do? Lie? PLUS I'm FAT FAT FAT

Well, I'm going to the stupid therapist today. I don't know why. I'm an inch away from squeeking out of it. My Pdoc says I have to see my T in order to get my meds, but I quit my meds. I just don't want to be embarrased again for missing another appt. and that's why I'm going.

Now I don't know if I should tell my T that I'm off my meds lest she say she won't see me until I do. Catch 22. She will also keep me on a "payee" status on my disability until I get back on them I'm sure.

Should I tell her?

Post Edited (numbly_hypersensitive) : 9/19/2006 12:15:58 PM (GMT-6)

See my previous post "spinning out of control" to understand the whole darn mess please. I sorta agree with you but I'm just as happy if not happier without those stupid meds.

Does anyone know of some place that is like this but 4 people who are crazy about their weight? This is driving me bonkers. I'm 130 lb. 5'3"... within ok range for my age 35. Had two kids blah blah blah, but I'm just such a porker to myself right now. OINK OINK OINK ---OINKY OINKY---OINK OINK.

Hi Numbly,

Phoelona has given you some great advice which I completely second. Your therapist needs to know that you've stopped taking your meds so that you and she can explore your reasons for coming off them (and these are really important, it seems to me, as they have to do with how you feel about not being allowed any control -- i.e. from your pdoc).

You also sound pretty weight ok to me -- probably not your ideal weight, and you probably feel reminded of this every time you put on something and it feels tight. I know that's how I feel when I put weight on -- it just adds to the spiral and I feel exactly as you do with the oinkiness. But, as an ex-anorexic/bulimic, I'd have to say that focusing on weight inb this way and feeling like a failure for adding a few pounds is also a control issue. I think this ties in with the meds issue and again think it's something you need to discuss with your therapist because it could be very important.

You seem to feel that things are spinning out of your control -- catch-22s (i.e. whatever you do there's a problem = lack of control) and worry about weight gain when you're exercising and eating well (=lack of control). Truth is that mood variations can really play with your metabolism and this may be why you're gaining weight right now. Your mood doesn't seem happy to me. I may be wrong, but the urgency of your posts seems to be increasing, and I think this may be a sign of mania taking over. It may seem fine (or even great) right now, but manias don't stop with the good -- they spiral -- and that's when you get to real loss of control.

You *need* to see your therapist to discuss what's been going on and how you're feeling. She will be able to help you, but you need to help yourself first by getting there.

Take care Numbly. -- I wish you all good luck with this.

Rosie x

Hey Numbly,

I've posted to you on the other thread too, but wanted to catch you here as well about the mania, tape weight and anorexia stuff.

Please please please don't start undoing all the work you did to get yourself to the "post-anorexic" stage -- that takes some doing: you know I know how much!!! Once this cycle starts (and I think we can agree that mentally it has, even if the physical is just across a -- very fine -- line) you are the last person who's going to be able to assess accurately what's ok and what's not in terms of your weight and body shape. Even people without anorexia frequently add a couple of inches in what they "see", but anorexics and bulimics are notorious for having a very distorted body image. Is there a helpline or group you could contact to help you with this? -- In my experience they are normally run by people with personal experience of the disorder, which means that they should be able to really understand. You definitely need to address this, and the sooner the better. It *never* brings happiness.

My anorexia was much like yours -- trying to starve myself and then finally eating and inducing vomitting. In fact for ages I thought I was bulimic because I didn't understand that anorexics often purge too. For years I thought I was a failed anorexic -- that I just didn't have the will-power to be anorexic so I was bulimic... . Hm, I realise the screwy-ness of my thinking now. The reality is that of *course* you can't keep starving yourself: it's not that you don't have the power to do so, it's that human beings were not designed to run on air.

This is "feeding" (pardon the pun) your bipolar and vice-versa at the moment, and I don't see any happy ending unless you *get help*!! Please please do this: you're too important not to take every care of yourself that you can. Not sleeping just adds to my sense that the mania is taking over -- it's a common symptom of the manic phase. Many people can't see this when they're in it: it's not a failing, but it is something that we can see and that you can use us to help you measure at the moment. Do use what we say to help yourself.

Rosie x

P.S. You might want to check out http://www.anred.com/ -- good info and help.