Crash

So now I'm stupidly depressed.
I'm absolutely fed up of having no money.
I want to be able to go out and buy things that I want. I want to be able to have lunch out once in a while.
And the closer I get to going to uni and actually getting money, the more it's driving me crazy.

My boyfriend just doesn't get it. He doesn't see why I want to go out for lunch.

He doesn't realise that on the VERY rare occasions we go out into town anyway, he buys a load of books and dvds and I'm just standing around wishing I could buy stuff.
That feels really horrible.

We went out on Saturday cos I was going crazy stuck in the house all the time, and we just went to 2 bookshops for him.

That's not going out in my mind.
And I REALLY wanted to sit down and have a bite to eat and a drink.

He just doesn't get it, and I'm getting worse and worse.

I hate myself because I have no money, because I can't just go and buy things I really want, and even things I really need.

And then he wonders why I'm 'mopey' all day.

I can't explain to him how much this is driving me crazy. I actually feel like I should just give up because I can't wait another couple of weeks for money!
It's not my fault; my brain is being stupid, I know this is the BP, but I'm really going crazy.

And then he said we're not the kind of people who can go out to lunch on a whim cos of money... but he'll spend £100 in a day on books and dvds on a whim!
And yes, he should be able to spend his money on himself... and I don't want him to spend money on me cos that's not fair... but... it feels unfair at the moment.

Hi Djonma,

Oh poor hunny -- I was a little worried that there might be a crash -- not because I doubted you, but because this illness is so often 2 steps forward 1 step back. Please try to remember all the progress you have made (make yourself a list and display it big and proud!!) and don't beat yourself up about falling back a bit. You won't be truly stable until you're on meds for bipolar -- but that time is coming and you will get there (with us rooting for you all the way!!!!!): never give up -- you're too valuable for that.

I agree with Phoelona that some kind of compromise position with your bf might be in order. The eating out twice a month deal sounds good. If he's still worried about money, why don't you ask if you can make a picnic together and go somewhere nice with that? Much cheaper than eating out in a restaurant or bar, and the change of surroundings would do you good -- plus a picnic tends to be quieter -- less buzziness to trigger that bp.

((((Djonma))))

Rosie x

P.S. If it helps, I never get out either -- still paying off postgraduate education loans -- so you and I are stuck together! -- It'll change soon with uni and a job to bring in some spending money, I promise! :)

Hahahahahahahaha Warren... erm, yes, things have changed! In 2001 or something, fees were introduced for undergraduate study (with lovely loans that are somehow supposed to make us all feel better about it, but which saddle you with debt when you graduate), then fees were hiked. Postgraduate education is one loan after another -- even when you get funding (which I did for my PhD but not my MA -- MAs rarely ever get funding -- at least in the humanities, though it may be different in the sciences). So I exited my education with £11,000 debts (which was pretty good compared to some of my friends), and then had to take whatever short term contracts in lecturing that I could for 3 years (one of which was pretty far-flung and travel for that year meant that I made a further loss and debt went up to £12,000 -- unavoidable if you want your CV to look good and therefore stand a chance of a permanant academic job...). 2 years into a permanent, and not too badly paid, lecturing post, but lord knows most of my pay gets allocated off at the beginning of the month to pay off the loan (for about the last year I've been paying off much more than I have to so that I can get it kicked sooner rather than later). We've also had strike action about pay in higher education, which has slipped so far behind inflation it's not even funny. That said, I'd be happy enough with the pay if they sorted out the financial problems people have to suffer to even get to that point. The old chestnut of "academia is a vocation and priviledged and you do it for the love" doesn't even ring true anymore because there's so much beaurocracy and class sizes are *much* bigger than they used to be (and in turn marking loads can feel almost catastrophic at times). It's a business just like any other these days. (Can you tell that I often feel like packing it all in??! -- Ha -- not that I'm qualified to do much else now!).

So there you have it -- quite a bit of change. (And a bit of a rant from yours truly too!)

Rosie x

rosie,

BRING BACK THE TORIES!!!!!!!!!  where's maggie thatcher when you need her?  when i lived in london there were student protests and strikes to get larger stipends!

the situation here is pretty much the same as it is over there.  congess, however, is cutting back on grants and loans.  within a few years the "american dream" of a higher education leading to financial security will be nothing but a dream.  higher education will be as it was 100 yrs ago in britain:  only for the wealthy.

when i was there i lectured in several colleges and universities (computer science, data processing, and management) (including reading, dj).  one day i was walking down the high street in a small village and saw a sign at an employment agency for a position as a computer programmer with 1 yr experience, with an advertised salary L3,000 more than i was earning!  i turned to my wife and said, "that's one of my students!"  within 3 mos i was back in industry.  there are only so many saints available to teach.  i guess i ain't one of them.

sorry things have gone to he** over there.  i love britain.

warren

He's not selfish... it was me spinning out of control... really, it's all ok now.
I was spinning out of control and getting paranoid about it all and about him. We don't keep our money seperate really; he pays for everything for me at the moment, I was the selfish one. And I didn't explain to him why I wanted to go out for lunch. If I had, I think he'd have taken me out.
I was just getting really bad, and I ended up in hospital for it.

But is' ok now and he loves me, and I love him