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Posted 9/22/2006 2:01 PM (GMT 0)

Good morning,

    I usually post on another site, but I am having to start to come to grips with the fact that I am bipolar.  I am 43 and know that I have been this way as long as I can remember.  I have always felt like an oddball and that I knew somehow that I am different.  I see that this site is not written on every day like others. 

    I am extremely anxious right now.  I went to the Library yesterday and picked up Bipolar for Dummies.  I have just barely begun to read it.  When I was diagnosed I just did not think that that was me.  After reading on here, I see that it is.  On the more "data filled" sites when I read about the highs and lows.  I am confused though.  I struggle every single day to "think" myself normal.  I have noticed soooo much lately (did not realize that this was bipolar related either) that there are days when I feel clear-as-a-bell, and I can figure things out, lickety-split!  It is wonderful, I feel so great and normal on those days.  Those are not necessarily days when I "speed up"  those are just clear days.  And those are rare  but they do occur every month.  Other days I am bouncing off the walls, trying to figure simple things out etc.  It is hard, another reason I do not work.  But I am broke. 

    I quit working last September due to headaches.  I figure that those have to do with Fibromyalgia.  And I had Fibro-Fog.  BUT now I am wondering if that Fog is not just the Bipolar?  Or both.  I also am very angry alot.  It is a mood thing.  I can "pop-off" very quickly.  I have ALWAYS thought that just staying away from people is my best bet.  Not because I LOVE being a recluse, but because I don't get stressed, self-conscience, pressured to "be a certain way", I am a happy person though.  I am a Christian chick and that's my grounding.  But I am uncomfortable all the time.  I am seeing my mood swings taking affect on my 10 year old.  She is acting as I am.  That worries me.  I tell her that it is cuz, blah, blah, blah and that she is to learn to NOT be like that, just cuz I am.  I try very hard to be nice but apologize alot, because I just do not think clearly so many times. 

    Ok, yes I will be talking to my Therapist and Psychologist both in the next 2 weeks.  I guess I have to come clean.  I try to, but it totally depends on my mood.   But when I am there and if I am not in a bad funk I just don't feel that bad way and it is near impossible to explain.   I am VERY good about being who I am suppose to be around certain people.  It is genuine, but it is also a coping mechanism, I know that.  I just am so tense about that too.  I am going to start writing down everything.  Maybe that will clear things up at appointments.  Because when I am there I act as if everything is just hunky-dory.

    I take Cymbalta 60mg, Butalbital at night to sleep. Vitamin B, Primrose to maintain.....I don't think that the Cymbalta is helping though, and I have been on different meds.  I do NOT want to take Lithium.  I tried it once and came unglued, but I believe that it was because I came off of Effexor too quickly.  But I DO NOT like taking pills!  I quit smoking Septmeber 18, 2005 for a reason.  To take better care of my body.  I still cannot be "ok" with any side effects that it can have on me.  I am in a query.  And since I do not work, I am just scared to death that someday I will not have the $$ for med's that I am froced to rely on, so therefore I just don't want to have to take them.  I have felt this way before.  And I still go way up and way down.  <heavy sigh>  I have never been a threat or danger to anyone.  I just don't think clearly, I am even nice when I am a dork.  I need a friend like me.  Because my "normal" friends, I just stay away from.  I cannot commit to anything because I know that I never know how I am going to be on that day, so I don't committ.  We won't even go into relationships....

    Thank you for listening....

Becky Lynne~

Hi Becky Lynne -- I just took the italics and bold off to aid reading. -- I know some poeple have real problems with this (Djonma, you're not alone in this, so please don't worry!) Rosie x (CounterClockwise)

Post Edited By Moderator (CounterClockwise) : 9/23/2006 2:29:53 PM (GMT-6)

Posted 9/22/2006 2:40 PM (GMT 0)
Hi Becky Lynne,

Really great to have you here. -- You've already seen that you're not alone in these things -- and you're really not. We'll help here any way we can -- an it's nice to be able to talk about the day-to-day stuff and not just rely on data.

Have you been diagnosed bp by a psychiatrist? If not, that's your first step. Bp really does need treating -- left to its own devices it only ever intensifies. If you're on meds for depression without meds to counterbalance them, this can also trigger mania-type phases (differing extremities -- you may be bipolar 1 or 2, or have mixed episodes, or various other bp conditions: it's not a one title fits all kinda illness!). People with bp do take anti-depressants, but, as I say, some kind of counterbalance is needed. If you were put on lithium before, the chances are a doc in the past has believed you're bipolar, as that's the only condition I know of that this med is used for. But of course there are other options, or different dosages of lithium, and the trick is to find the "mix" that works *for you* (no standard, one-pill-fits-all formula, sadly!). Yes, the feelings you associate with being on lithium before might very well have been related to the withdrawal from Effexor; I've seen many posts where people have suffered with this. So please don't rule out the idea that this med might help you -- just son't start it when you're coming off something else (so that you have a good sense of what part it's playing in your feelings). I know the feeling of not wanting to take pills, but for bp this is unavoidable. It's definitely worth discussing these feelings with your therapist and trying to work through them, because people with bp that stop and start their meds can do more harm than good: you really have to be very disciplined and stay on the meds. Well, if you've given up smoking I know you can be very disciplined! (*Big* well done for that!!!)

Also worth checking out is where you can get help with meds from. I've heard people talking about docs giving them samples that they don't have to pay for, and you may well find a doc who does this, but I've also heard people refer to organisations that help with costs. I'm in the UK, so this doesn't apply to me; I really feel for all you guys who struggle with such healthcare systems (seems especially bad for anything mental health realted, which is just plain *wrong*!!). If I can find a reference to one of these organisations I'll post it -- or someone else here might know what I'm talking about and be able to come up with the info.

I wonder with your daughter if the way she is acting is really because she's following your lead, or if she's inherited the condition. Bp does have a tendency to run in families. Might just be worth keeping an eye on this and/or getting her assessed. 10 seems a bit early for the onset of bp, but the "normal" age range they give is just an average really and I've heard of diagnoses that occur much later, so why not earlier. I know the tendency to apologise and kick yourself. Please give yourself a break on this: the *best* thing you can do to make sure this doesn't negatively affect anyone (*you* as well as family and friends) is to get diagnosed and be really good in following your treatment. That way you have nothing to apologise for: you didn't *ask* for this.

Hope that book really helps you get an idea of what bp involves and how you can start to deal with it. We'll be here rooting for you!

Take care,

Rosie x
Posted 9/22/2006 2:58 PM (GMT 0)
Hey Rosie,

    Yes, I have been diagnosed.  I currently do seek Therapy and see the Psych.  I am very committed to taking my medicine's.  I don't skip any.  Although I have it all right there in the mornings, and can forget to take one of them.  It is frustrating.  It is there all  together, but some days, I cannot "see" it.  ie....have missed taking Cymbalta cuz my mind is not working properly and I feel it very quickly in an hour or so, then I KNOW that I missed that one.  That worries me.  As far as $$.  My Psych does give them to me for no $$.  My husband has insurance but this is not an inexpensive item.  It still would cost me $45.00 per monthly dose.  I will not pay that!  Maybe if it was $5.00 or $10.00.  But then when I get old what about then? " Me thinks me will get screwed"! LMAO

    As far as my daughter goes, yes, she is VERY much like me.  BUT, she "uses" it.  She has been know to say, while in a "tiff" and I quote, "you taught me how to be this way".  I made a mistake of telling her that it is my fault that she gets so frustrated because that is how I get.  So now she tries to use that as a FEEBLE excuse, she is getting over that stage, but yes, I will always be watching for signs of bipolar with her.  Although I do not see it yet.  When I was her age, I felt it coming on in the 2nd grade.  I hear that is too early, but I see it myself.

    I try very hard to NOT let if affect family etc.  But it does.  My husband, sadly, we are not compatible so it is very stressful here at times, I am working very diligently to ignore his uncaring attitude.  That way my daughter and I can keep "blossoming" toward's a better life.  But dang if I don't need some income! lol

    Thankyou for responding, I needed something/someone today.

Hi Becky Lynne -- Same again with the italics and bold! Rosie x (CounterClockwise)

Post Edited By Moderator (CounterClockwise) : 9/23/2006 2:30:49 PM (GMT-6)

Posted 9/23/2006 12:57 AM (GMT 0)
hey 2tall, rosie, all.

rosie, lithium is actually used for a variety of mental illnesses.  when i was dxed with schizophrenia, my pdoc started me on it.  then when he changed the dx to schizoaffective, he kept me on it.  finally, with the bp dx, lithium was maintained.

2tall,

have you considered going on disability - or are you currently on disability.  i get ssd and couldn't survive without it.  it also comes with medicare.  useful thing to have if you are unable to work.

gotta go.  welcome to this forum.  we appreciate your being here!

warren

Posted 9/23/2006 1:02 PM (GMT 0)

Rosie, Warren,

    Thank you for your replies.

    As far as SSD/SSI, I tried last year and was denied.  I was such a mess at the time too.  I had the severe headaches daily, (for atleast 12 years, severe).  I can't even remember if the dx for Bipolar had infact been discovered. I did not appeal the decision w/SS.  I did not know any better.  Plus now I have the dx as Fibromyalgia w/chronic fatigue.  Anyway, I refiled a couple of months ago and stopped it because I thought that I had found a job that I could handle but they were not able to hire now due to the fact that business is slowing down this time of year.  I get on a roller coaster....I am sure you know what I am talking about.  Like today....smooth sailings!  Being sick does not feel like it is real today. 

    With the med's that I take, I still have (I am still learning to understand the terminology) the rapid cycling....it is pretty much a daily thing.  And yes it can last for several days.  Both highs and lows.  So do I venture out?  I have a job offer 4 hours from here.  With a Doctor friend of mine.  Long story shortened....this would be the PERFECT time to try.  I am miserable here, marriage is totally a waste of time, sadly to say.  I could stay with the Doctor till I saved enough for my own place for my daughter and I.  I am totally considering it.  Any thoughts?

Becky Lynne~

   

Just me changing the italics and bold again! Rosie x (CounterClockwise)

Post Edited By Moderator (CounterClockwise) : 9/23/2006 2:31:44 PM (GMT-6)

Posted 9/23/2006 4:13 PM (GMT 0)
becky,,

i have chronic, almost constant, debilitating back pain in addition to bp.  i didn't believe that i was permanently disabled after i fell down that flight of stairs but a friend of mine convinced me to apply "just in case."  accordingmto law, if ss deterrmines that you are disabled, your benefits begin on the day you first apply.  99.999% of the people whp apply are denied the first time.  this is to "weed out" the "unsophistocated."  i appealed my deniel and was again denied.  at that point i got angry and hired an attorney.  by law, an atty has to charge on a contingency fee basis and, depending upon where you live (i just learned this) they can charge from 25% to 30%.  you must gather together all of your supporting med records and it helps a lot if you have a dr on your side.  it often takes 1-3 yrs (sometimes more) for the process to wind its way through.

after i had been disabled for several yrs i was seeing my chiropractor and was feeling pretty good.  i asked him about my retuning to work.  he told me, "yes, warren, you can work today and maybe half of next week.  then you couldn't work for maybe 2 wks.  then maybe you could work for a day and have to be off for a month.  that's why they call it disabled."  does this perhaps sound like you?

sorry about your marriage.  disability can play havoc with relationships.  just ask rosie.  i am married to a saint and appreciate how blessed i have been.  i stayed in my 1st marriage for 5 yrs because i didn't know any better and refused to accept "failure."  she was a druggie who spent her time in bed stoned and hid dirty pots and pans and dishes in the oven until the mold on them stank so bad that the enitre neighborhood could smell them.  that marriage was a mistake.  have you and your husband tried counceling?  i just hate to see divorces, even mine from my first wife.  at the same time i hate to see anybody living in pain.

best of luck to you.  keep us informed.

 

Posted 9/23/2006 5:27 PM (GMT 0)
I'm sorry... I can't read the italic bold text at all :-(
Posted 9/23/2006 6:48 PM (GMT 0)
Hey,

    Thanks for the input.  I am BORED here at home to no end, and I guess that I am not ready to call it quits yet.  I don't think that I am in denial, but perhaps I am.  I took my daughter to her last horse riding lesson today and I could not quit crying.  She is a good girl and she has a passion that I am not able to see that she gets to enjoy because of lack of "fundage".  There are all kind of not-so-good kids who get all kinds of things.  I wish that I could give her this one thing.  She is understanding, she is a great child, I am sooo blessed. 

    As far as counseling goes, it is hopeless on his end and now I don't care anymore.  Divorce can be a good thing at times like this.  I am over the hurt part of it.  Yes I have taken him to counseling, it goes in one ear and out the other.....I still go and I take my daughter to keep her on track, just to be safe.

    OK thank you all for all of your input.  It has been greatly

appreciated.   Djonma, I hope this is better.  I should know better.  I had my eyes checked.  They said I was fine, no glasses needed.  BAH!  There are days when I just can't see.  I am going to stop the italicized writing.  Thank you for pointing it out to me.

((((()))))   

Hi Becky Lynne -- Hope you don't mind me taking off the bold as well -- just to be on the safe side: want as many people to be able to read and respond as possible!! :) Rosie x (CounterClockwise)

Post Edited By Moderator (CounterClockwise) : 9/23/2006 2:33:18 PM (GMT-6)

Posted 9/23/2006 6:55 PM (GMT 0)
Hi 2tall! The non-italic is easier to read yes!
Sorry, I have really stupid eyes!

I can't really work out what your original post was about cos of the italics, but your daughter sounds amazing!
Everything is worth it when you look at someone that amazing and realise she's yours :-)

*hugs*
Posted 9/24/2006 1:38 AM (GMT 0)
wait until all of you get to be as old as me!  i don't trust myself to drive at night and i have trouble during the day, too.  yet my eye doc says my eyes are "perfect."  maybe i need to have that other cataract removed.  recon?

warren

Posted 9/24/2006 1:12 PM (GMT 0)
Well let me "SEE"...... tongue
Posted 9/24/2006 10:12 PM (GMT 0)
Hi Becky Lynne,

It sounds like you're at a turning point. To be honest, your happiness and sanity are too important to be compromised by a living situation that's draining you like this. My 2 cents is that I think you should take the job and move to that area (probably rent for now). If you divorce, you will get some form of settlement, I imagine, and then you can reassess. But for now, you just need to be in a healthy environment. I know you're still hurting -- heck, that show's that you're human! But staying put and suffering will only turn the pain into more resentment and only bad comes from that. There's a world out there for you and you have a chance to grab it with both hands.

Your daughter will be better off without the tension at home, even if she doesn't get some of the other treats. -- I genuinely believe that happiness is more than those things and a warm and happy environment for her to grow up in would be better for her than all the horse rides in the world. That said, there may well be programmes in the new area that she could get involved with. -- How old is she? Maybe she could even get a part-time job mucking out stables or something -- somewhere where she gets paid in being allowed to ride?

Hugs to you (((Becky Lynne)))

Rosie x
Posted 9/24/2006 10:49 PM (GMT 0)
Hey Rosie!

    Yes, I have done the Stable Rat thing.  I actually didn't mind.  Man did the weight start falling off!  But now my body hurts too much.   She just turned 10.  She is still a little young for doing enough to earn it all.  But God will provide somehow.

    As far as the turning point, I am so there alright.  I am going to talk it all out with the Doctor and make sure that we are in total agreement of everything.  I am so ready for something.  I have already spoke to my daughter about it and she totally understands even though she is not looking forward to possibly moving away from her friends.  But her dad will be here, so it is not like she would never have the opportunity to see them again.  And it is only a 4 hour drive away. 

    I so appreciate your support, I cannot tell you that enough!  I have to run.

God Bless!

Becky Lynne~

Posted 9/24/2006 11:17 PM (GMT 0)
Hi Becky Lynne,

I just had an idea. -- I've pooled money with my sisters and mum to get my dad a big birthday present, and I wonder if you could arrange something similar from friends and family for Christmas and birthday presents for your daughter -- all the money pooled to go towards riding lessons. If you had that as a kind of ongoing arrangement she could still have some lessons until she gets to an age when she can follow her mum into the world of Stable Rats! :) And maybe you could keep a jar for loose coinage as a riding fund too. -- I do this (though not for riding!) and it soon adds up -- and you never really miss the coins. And you can make it a bit of a game -- if either of you find a coin, into the pot it goes.

Good for you for having talked to your daughter about the divorce and move. She sounds like a fab kid! -- And I think you're right to go through everything with your doc. -- This kind of thing can be a real bp trigger -- mind you, sounds like the divorce will not be more unsettling than the way you're currently living.

We'll be with you for support hun!!!!

Take care,

Rosie x
Posted 9/25/2006 1:37 PM (GMT 0)
    Well...She is staying with my sister this year.  Things were getting too stressed here and I did not want it to effect her in a negative way.  So she is staying with her Aunt and Uncle for the school year.  She is happy there. 

    As far as "pooling" the money.  I just would not feel comfortable doing that.  She can wait.  Heck, it will do her good.  Builds character....right?  lol

    As far as me moving, let me just add the the Doctor is not officially mine.  He is a friend and a potential other.  Only because I am NOT involved with my husband or anyone else for that matter, is it ok,  my marriage has been over for years.  I have been a praying fool asking for a way out and this man is genuine.  So it is really something to consider.  I am asking (begging lol) God for direction.  I feel comfortably happy about it.

    You know, as soon as I walk into my home, I get sort of a wave of gloom & doom feeling.  I have been "gone" for years because of this situation.  Mind you I am not a "putz" I totally stand up for myself.  But having a child made it all different, when in a negative situation.  I have worked and waited long enough.  As far as it being a BP trigger, I bet the odds that I will be WAAAAY better under "control" by being IN CONTROL again in my life.  I am anxious to see.  God I hope this is where I am to go....I am not hearing anything negative about it from God. 

OK....I am tired and rambling.  We went and saw the Musical, Hairpsray last night.  I was absolutely wonderful~!

((((( )))))

Becky Lynne~

Posted 9/25/2006 8:37 PM (GMT 0)
2tall

there is a story that duing katrina there was this woman who was totally dedicated to god.  when katrina hit, a man came by with a rope and offered to take her to safety.  "no," she said.  "god will save me!"

the  water kept rising and she had to abandon her first floor for the second floor.  finally a man and a woman in a boat pulled along outside her second floor window and offered to take her to safety.  "no," she said.  "god will save me!"

the water finally engulfed her second story and the woman took refuge on her roof.  a helecopter flew overhead and landed a national guardsman.  "come with me, ma'am and we'll take you to safety," the guardsman said.  "no," she said.  "god will save me."

in due course the woman drowned and went to the pearley gates where she met st. peter.  "it's very nice being here and all, "she said, "but where were you when i needed you during katrina?

st. peter looked down on her with sad eyes and said, "i sent you a rope, a boat, and a helecopter."

warren

Posted 9/26/2006 3:10 AM (GMT 0)
Oh Warren, you are an Angel.....I get it.
Posted 9/28/2006 1:02 AM (GMT 0)
a jewish angel? hasn't been one of them in almost 2000 yrs. lol

glad i could help.

warren
Posted 9/28/2006 1:32 PM (GMT 0)
Call it what you want, it is just a term of endearment my friend.   It is what it is, no matter what color it comes in.

((((((Warren))))))

Becky Lynne~

Posted 9/28/2006 3:38 PM (GMT 0)
i know, luv.  i was just pulling your leg.  my sence of humor is an aquired taste.  :-)    i'm just glad that you were not offended.  my comments are sometimes insensitive but are never intended to hurt.  to me humanity is one family with each person seeking their highest good in their own way.

warren

Posted 9/28/2006 7:08 PM (GMT 0)
You could be a "fallen angel" Warren -- lol! Just kidding ya -- as you know, I too think you're fab -- with a big heart and a lotta sense!! :)

Banana girl, Rosie x
Posted 9/29/2006 1:52 AM (GMT 0)
All ya'll rock! scool

Becky Lynne~

Posted 9/29/2006 3:20 AM (GMT 0)
fallen angel? heck, as unsteady as i am because of my back i spend half my time falling.  :-) fofl (all puns intended.)

Post Edited (wmnak) : 9/28/2006 9:28:50 PM (GMT-6)

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