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Posted 10/4/2006 6:45 PM (GMT 0)
Hello everyone, this is gonna be a long one since ive never posted here before.

Im 22 years old. I have been in "talk" therapy off and on since i was about 13 and the issues of my adoption came up ( long story, but interfamily adoption, my bio parents were drug addicts ect). And on and off therapy ( including medication here and there) from 14-18 for depression ect. My early teens were tough with that and my dad coming out as gay, and eventually my own coming out as well at 17. Just alot of stuff that didnt really bother me at the time. Ive been in a relationship for 2 years about now, and its very intense due to the fact that we are both intense people and feelings run very deep. however, there have always been issues on my side, that are really screwed up and ill just put them out. I dont want her to have friends, because im convinced she will cheat on me( last gf did for 2 years). but it doenst end there. I get very distressed, panicy and can call 25 times in an hour . I get really upset, swap from being mean to crying and being hurt in seconds or minutes. and eventually when she ends up staying out anyway I wake up ok with the situation, not frantic but still irritated. Ok. next case in point. if shes supposed to come over and changes her mind at the last minute, or decides to go home. weve had eppisodes of key taking, door blocking and not to mention actual fights . . . i know that its not a healthy relationship at this point, but i really dont want to lose her and so i need to fix myself so i dont get this way. I was prescribed lamitical about 6 months ago, took it for about a month up to i think 20 or 25 mg dosage built up, no side effect but the dr was really kind of old in my oppinion and didnt put me on anything else but klonipin which i cant take "in the moment" because i fall asleep even on .5mg. So, i guess i know that im BP or at least in this drs oppinion. I dont know how to tell my gf what i need her to do with out making it sooo restrictive and unfair to her, i know that i should prob be alone at this point, but shes willing to work it out, i was a 'normal' person in the beginning of the relationship and she has hopes that i will be again. Please help me ... what do i do. i have a drs apt on tuesday... is there anything thats worked for people here with similar symptoms?

Posted 10/4/2006 6:50 PM (GMT 0)
edited to add: Im not looking for a "quick fix" i have a "talk " dr and a med dr. as of tuesday... but i do need some ways to basicly explain to her what a bp relationship is like and how she can help me and not trigger me... i guess. It was her idea to post here and she has been very supportive, to a point.
Posted 10/4/2006 7:56 PM (GMT 0)
Hi Counter -- I'm a Counter too!! :)

Welcome to HW! -- I hope that being here and chatting with all these great folks really helps you.

To be honest hun, being in any relationship where you have issues (and sounds like you have a deep rooted fear of abandonment that gets projected into your relationship) is very tough. I suppose one thing that I'd recommend is relationsip counselling. Maybe that would be a good forum to address the issue of how bp affects your relationship. Another thing is to get hold of some of the great books out there on bp that include a focus on family/significant others. The best book I've read for this is David Miklowitz's "Bipolar Disorder Survival Guide" (others will be groaning as I always recommend this one, but it really was the most informative and practical one I've read). There are others that are aimed specifically at romantic partnerships -- e.g. "Loving someone with Bipolar" (or something along those lines!), but I really didn't find that too helpful (nothing that I didn't find was covered more clearly and basically better in the Miklowitz book). You can find these by going to the Resources/Books link in the panel on the right of this page.

You don't sound 100% convinced about the bipolar disorder diagnosis however and I wonder if it mightn't be a good idea to get a second opinion. Docs can get this wrong, and it would be worth checking, as you may be on the wrong meds entirely -- or you may need other meds in the mix. The Miklowitz book also has a section on what conditions may be mistaken for bipolar. I'm not saying you haven't got it: you may very well have it, but I got the feeling you'd be happier with the diagnosis if you got it checked by a different doc.

I'm so sorry things are this difficult for you -- so hard to be doing damage in a relationship that you value and not feel able to stop it -- almost to feel that you're watching on as you do it (and it's interesting that you detached yourself from some of the descriptions of this too -- a reflection of how you feel about it at times?). Well, always feel that you can come here and ask stuff or just vent and get support. -- We're happy to have you!

Rosie x
Posted 10/4/2006 8:13 PM (GMT 0)
wow thanks for the quick reply.

todays been rough. im really anxious because she was supposed to call me at one and its four now. Stuff like thats hard , exp . when i call compulsivly she gets mad and wont see me that night. its sooo hard. Another issue that I have is i feel like if she just would follow though then it would be ok. . .

we have a 6 hour car ride on friday and I dont think she's up for a marathon discussion about the girl i think shes interested in. its really bad, i cant stop talking about her sometimes...

i feel like it may be bipolar or it may be BPD or a combo.. not sure.

Posted 10/4/2006 8:51 PM (GMT 0)
Hey Counter,

I really do feel for you. -- I know that a lot of this probably stems from insecurity and paranoia, but that doesn't make it *feel* any less real (and I don't say about the insecurity and paranoia as a judgement thing at all -- I get both big time with my depression).

Maybe you could use the time she's not turning up to start writing her a letter -- start to get down on paper what you'd like to say to her. You can sort of sit on it or keep adding to it maybe until after your drive -- and then maybe for the drive make a point of listening to some music or comedy cds (nothing like a long car journey to fray nerves if you don't have some sort of distraction!). That could be down-time for you from this too because you'll know that you are beginning to get things out, even if not vocally, and you'll know that you've started the process of communicating to her your feelings and fears.

Obviously I don't know your g/f, but I wonder about some of the stuff you say: she knows how anxious you get and stays out; you're particularly concerned about her being interested in another girl. Yes, this could be paranoia, and yes her actions may be because she's freaked out a bit by your anxiousness about her absence and she therefore stays out to delay the questions. I just wonder about these two things together: are you absolutely sure that this girl is right for you? Ok, so when you get help with this together everything may turn around and she may really get it and be able to help you with your management of the condition you have (and I still think that's worth checking -- as are your meds). If she loves you, she'll be there for you. If she causes more problems at that point, harsh as it probably feels to hear it, I'd get rid: you don't need someone holding you back from feeling secure. Well, maybe it wasn't that harsh to hear -- maybe this has already occurred to you. I just think you need to know if you have her support or not.

But start the process for the stuff to help *you* first, eh? -- Get yourself to a different doc and explore the possibilities a bit more with him/her. The turn-around for you could start right there -- which in turn will make it easier for you to see and understand what's going on in your relationship.

Rosie x
Posted 10/4/2006 8:55 PM (GMT 0)
thank you so much for your reply. I visit a g/l/b/t fourn on the net and post things like that and get no response... i know im not alone but people just dont step up. thank you. At what point do i look to inpatient for help? i feel like calling the drs up and saying that tuesday is far to far away! yet im not suicidial, i just dont want to feel this way a minute longer. It literally hurts.
Posted 10/4/2006 9:42 PM (GMT 0)
Hi Counter --

No problem at all! :) Happy to be here for you. This isn't the busiest forum in the world, but when people are on boy do they look out for each other -- you'll get plenty more replies, I just know it!

I completely sympathise with the impatience for that appointment. I know, it's not "urgent" in terms of what docs rate as urgent, but I wish there was a fast track for "Help, I'm destroying or being destroyed by everything I touch"! :) Well, you know what, you really can cope till then: heck, you've been coping with this stuff for years, so I know you can do it for a few more days!! But I also know that when oyu know what's best to do and you see that it might be the light at the end of the tunnel, you want your journey down that tunnel towards that light to start asap -- and in an ideal world it would, and you'd get all the help you need. Well, in the meantime, we'll be rooting for you here.

How long are you away on your trip? Sounds like it could be a major stressor -- then again, it could be just the break from routine that will help you at this point -- something to distract you a bit until that appointment. Can you do anything to take yourself away from this situation a bit in the meantime and when you get back? You say your g/f's always out. -- Could you make a point of going out yourself? -- Not necessarily anything bustling and high energy -- just walks or drives to calm places maybe? I don't know really -- whatever makes you feel at ease -- something nice for you and a break from all this stuff while you wait for that doc! :)

Rosie x
Posted 10/4/2006 10:04 PM (GMT 0)
thats just the thing

i do go out sometimes

but we have issues of trust obviously and have been in situations that we veiw differently. You can email me actually for more in depth stuff on that...

I do go out, but its very limited who i can hang out with with out being an issue, the gf and i broke up a few weeks ago for like 2 weeks and I went out every night, with totally random people off line and with friends. . .  and was doing that. but the reality is that i want her. however for example i just got in touch with her and she said 'sorry i fell asleep and you were being annoying so i didnt answer the phone'. i asked again if she wanted to be with me thru this or not, because it is an all or nothing situation ( the supportiveness). and she does, but again, none of it is her fault. yet i was able to go 3 hours with no phone calls , untill we hit the agreed upon hour and she didnt call me back, then i called 36 times ( yes we counted). I hate being this way. i hate how it makes me feel. I wish there was a resource for people with people with these disoreders....

im going to go home, have a shower and some klonapin and lay down. im like exhausted from working( which i dont know if i can keep doing with the way im feeling, im a nanny and i cant take the kid and life stress all at once if it hits and yet i dont know how to say i need  a mental health break ?!) I do my job well, and id never neglect the kids, but i find myself relying on play dates more and more for the little one. but im more exhausted from the phone calls.

Message from Forum Moderator (CounterClockwise): Hi Counter -- just taken your email addy out of this post, as SMSIRL suggested, since you've got it on your profile now! Rosie x

Post Edited By Moderator (CounterClockwise) : 10/5/2006 12:33:55 AM (GMT-6)

Posted 10/4/2006 10:18 PM (GMT 0)
Aw hun -- you take yourself home and het some much needed rest. -- And hey, when you wake up it'll be that much closer to your appointment! :) -- No wonder you feel tired -- kids are great, but lordy don't they take a lot of energy! Bet you're great with them -- but, yes, you need a break to get energy back up.

Oh, I should just say too, it's not at all against the rules to post your email addy, but spammers can track you down more easily if you do. To avoid this you can post your addy in your profile -- go to "Control Panel" (by the "log in/off" tab and then click on "Edit Profile" -- there's a space for your addy there and then anyone registered on this site (but *only* those registered, not just anyone who passes by or sets up trackers for spamming purposes -- or whatever they do ... I sound like I know what I'm on about, but really I've no idea on this score!) can click on your name and they'll get your profile with the addy. Hm ... I'm sure there was a shorter way of saying that -- think I need a rest too! lol

Rosie x

P.S. I'll send you an email before I hit the sack -- it's gone 11pm here in the UK... I'm always staying up too late playing on this board! :)
Posted 10/5/2006 12:23 AM (GMT 0)
Might I suggest that once you get a reply from CounterClockwise that you remove your e-mail address so that you don't get spammed.

Sorry things are tuff, you're in my thoughts
Posted 10/5/2006 2:00 PM (GMT 0)
counter,

i know i'm old - a child of the 60s.  :-)    but we had a saying,

let it go.

if it flies away it was never yours

if it returns, cherish it.

there is also one of my most favorite sayings,

in the bible it says "my cup overflowith"

your cup must overflow to share your love with someone

your actions with your g/f sounds like my ex-wife.  she was jealous and possessive.  when i was working she would call constantly to make sure i was at work.  she stifeled me to the point that i couldn't breath. actually, she had nothing to worry about from me.  finally i couldn't take any more stifeling and divorced her.

don't make the mistake that my ex did. back off.  get help with your secuity issues.  get a diagnosis that fits the symptoms and take the meds.

i know that you are having a hard time.  we are with you. 

i wish you all the love this world can bring.

warren

Posted 10/5/2006 2:44 PM (GMT 0)
counter,

I struggle with fear, paranoia and jealousy when i am offbalance with the bipolar. I agree with all the postings above, esp. Warren. I know when I am being jealous and fearful, it is my stuff to look at. No matter what the other person is doing or saying. You can't force someone to be there for you. Calling her 36 times doesn't make her love you. That is out of your control. Taking care of you and your disease is something you need to do for yourself, no matter who you are with. This girls may or may not be the one for you. But regardless, take the time it took to make 36 calls and do something soothing for you--a hot bath, a book, a favorite show. Obsession is a hard cycle to break but you need some peace here and there. You sound worn out. And as my therapist says, when I am feeling jealous, what is the evidence? I create a drama from my own fear and then convince myself that my feelings are facts. I want to really take in what Warren said about pushing away a loving partner with unfounded fear and jealousy.

And last but not least, if we do't feel good about ourselves, we can be a bottomless pit seeking love and affirmation from others. But it doesn't stick till we start from the inside out.

You will be in my thoughts--take care and keep writing.
Sue
Posted 10/5/2006 9:33 PM (GMT 0)
thanks

were attempting to talk about it and she took a major step in telling me that it terrifies her what im going through... so weve agreed to be terrified together , that and to read and not be so ignorant about the stuff.
Posted 10/6/2006 12:42 AM (GMT 0)
Bipolars are VERY hard on relationships. Why would someone stay with you through all this crap? Answer- someone who loves you.

I reccomend NAMI. It is a great place to start gathering educational information. They provide support groups. Understanding what your illness is and developing coping skills to deal with it takes work.

Therapy in conjunction with proper medication has changed my life for the better.

Good luck-rach
Posted 10/6/2006 1:02 AM (GMT 0)
Being stuck in a car for 6 hours sounds like torture for you and your gf. This may be bad advice, but I would take two Klonipin and go to sleep. Nothing good will come of that maraton car conversation. You will be better company if you are rested and not so worked up. Work on it later.

rach
Posted 10/6/2006 4:24 AM (GMT 0)

I think that your first priority here should be getting on the right meds.  Once you are on the right medication(s) then you truly should have no symptoms of this disorder.  Talk to your doctor about your symptoms and ask what will help for them.  It kind of sounds like you are having trouble relating to your doctor.  It might be worth trying to find one that you can relate a little bit better to.  I know that psychiatrists are in short supply but it is still worth looking into.  A general family physician can be a good resource to ask for a referral(and might be able to get you in sooner).

It could be that Lamictal as a mood stabalizer is not working for you.  There are a variety of mood stabalizers, and different ones work for different people.  Or maybe you need something for anxiety.

It is great if your girlfriend is willing to help you through this.  However, maybe you need to rely on more than just her for support.  Do you have family or other friends that you could call? That way you are not calling her numerous times and waiting by the phone for he to call you back.

Posted 10/6/2006 1:57 PM (GMT 0)
I HAD TO TAKE MY DUAGHTER ON CAR RIDES BEFORE 4 HOURS UP 4 LONG LONG HOURS BACK FOR YOUR GF PEACE OF MOND IF YOU CAN GO TO SLEEP AND IF YOU CANN'T DO THAT BRING MUSIC IT HEPLED MY DAUGHTER AND I ON THOSE TRIPS

LOST MOM
Posted 10/6/2006 2:11 PM (GMT 0)

confused  HELP

I'M NEW HERE I WILL START BY SAYING THAT I AM NOT SO NEW TO MOODS DIS ORDERS AS I AM TO COMPUTORS YES I KNOW IT'S 2006

MY DAUGHTER IS 15 YRS OLD SHE HAS BEEN SEEING DOCS SINCE SHE WAS 6 1/2 WHEN THANK GOD A DOC LISTINED TO ME THAN THEY SAID SHE HAD OCD. DEPRESSION. ANXIETY. AND A LEANING DISABILITY. WHAT A HAND FULL.

SO I STARTED TAKING HER 2X AWEEK 4HOURS UP AND 4 HOURS BACK TO SEE SPEC DOCS.

NOW EIGHT YEARS LATER WE LEAN SHE HAS BP1 MIXED AND BLACK MOODS HELP ME I AM AT A LOSS. I FEEL THAT EVERYTHING I HAVE BEEN DOING FOR EIGHT LONG YEARS IS FOR NOTHING. SHE CAN BEARLY TALK TO ME W/O FLYING OFF THE HANDLE. SHE IS IN THE HOSP. NOW 10 DAYS SO FAR AND IS ON ABILIFY. HOW LONG BEFORE IS WORKS SO WE CAN SIT DOWN WITH DOC AND HAVE A TALK

I'M SORRY THIS IS SO LONG I JUST AM SO EMPTY AND LOST.

LOST MOM

Posted 10/6/2006 2:18 PM (GMT 0)
Im so sorry LM ... I dont remember it being this bad at 15, but i was def depressed and really angry... is she in a state where she could do books on tape, forgive me if my suggestions are silly, i dont know much of the "clinical" stuff to tell you. I will however tell you that at about 17 i started re collecting old childrens books and reading them when i was depressed.... things like the candy witch, the big orange splot, blueberries for sal, all availabe on amazon. its silly i guess.... but those books were my safe places. i still read them today!
Posted 10/6/2006 2:30 PM (GMT 0)
THANK YOU FOR ANSWERING SHE IS STILL AT A STAGE OF "IF PEOPLE WOULD JUST STOP MAKING ME MAD I WOULD BE FINE
SHE USED TO READ KID BOOKS OR EVEN PLAY WITH BABY DOLLS BUT SHE CAN NOT REMEMBER HOW TO FEEL WHILE AT PLAY
I AM SORRY IF I AM NOT DOING THIS RIGHT AND AM ON SOMEONE ELSE TALK SITE IT'S BEEN A HARD 10 DAYS I DON'T THINK I DID THIS RIGHT BEAR WITH ME I WILL
Posted 10/6/2006 2:40 PM (GMT 0)
its alright...you kinda bumped into my post, but ill go ahead and make you your own in the regular forum, since im not sure if any moderators are about to move it...

just go back to the regular bp forum and you;ll see it.
Posted 10/6/2006 2:45 PM (GMT 0)
THANK YOU
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