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New to this site and also new diagnosis in bipolar and not sure what to do

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Posted 10/19/2006 8:09 PM (GMT 0)
Hi

I am thirty years of age and have a daughter. I was originally diagnosed with postnatal depression and have suffered for three years with this and battled through med after med.

I have recently been having a very hard time with mood swings and feeling rather unsettled and very scared at what this means.

I have been referred to a phychatrist but aprehensive to go as the gp an my hv and my councillor have all said that they would recommend lithium prob to start with.

recently i have had very rapid mood swings one high to the lowest to be honest the last high i borrowed 14 thousand pounds and my last low i tried to walk into teh sea and never come out.

The frustrating thing is i can not tell anyone around me about it apart from talk to my councillor and hv about it family are a no no as they have there own stress.

The thing is i know the darkness is rearing its head and im petrified.

But i also dont know what else to do surely there is things without medication....

They have also said they will reasign me a cpn but the last one i had was a nightmare and she was so horrible i couldnt bear to have her near me ever again as she made me feel so ashamed...

Please help me the darkness is so close

newwie

Posted 10/19/2006 8:50 PM (GMT 0)
Oh, newwie, I'm so sorry to hear you're in such a dark, scary place. My diagnosis has been fairly recent, too, so I understand how scary it can sound. I have to say though, with the new diagnosis came new meds (a mood stabilizer added to my ADs); with the new meds came more peace than I've known since who knows when. My life is much less overwhelming. I can be a contributing member of society and a good wife again. Life is (most days) more appealing than the dark.

It sounds like your medical care situation is unhelpfully confusing, which only adds to the overwhelming feelings, I'm sure. Do follow up though, I urge you. Lithium sounds scary, but it is a life-saver for so many people. I take Lamictal myself, but a good friend of mine takes high doses of lithium and does well on it. She progressed to the point of hospitalization before she was diagnosed and treated, and the lithium brought her back to herself so that she can function again.

There are no doubt things other than medicine you can try to treat your illness with, but I would think of them as supplemental rather than primary. Exercise, good nutrition, regular sleep (not something I personally know anything about, but I hear good things about it--ha ha)--all of which are easier to attempt once your mania and raging depression have been at least partially stabilized.

You have nothing, repeat: nothing--to feel ashamed of. You are seeking help, trying to figure out the best way to take care of yourself and your family. Are you in the US? The chain of command or whatever in your health care system seems unfamiliar to me, but maybe I'm confused. I'm also not sure what an hv is, either.

Hold on. It can, and will, get better. I'm glad you are still here (as in, the sea didn't take you) and here (as in, on this forum). There are good people here. I don't always post that much, but I saw your post and wanted to jump in and say "hello" and tell you folks are pulling for you. Take care, and let us know how things are going, ok?
Posted 10/19/2006 9:18 PM (GMT 0)
Hi, Welcome to our World Newbie Briar.  when you say that name out load its kind of like a celebrity name.  We all are celebrities in a way you know, we just havent been discovered yet, because our disease is yet new to them, and they dont quite understand that if they get close to us, that our illness wont jump on them,  but with research and knowledge they will learn.  We, as the group of unique people who are very much loved by many including now ourselves, because we choose to be the active voice and be heard with our ideas, fears, goals, experiences and all,in turn make us warriors.  do you know that if you hang in there and research litium and the other drugs out there and its effects its  a good idea to start with, your doctor will find the one that works best for your chemistry in your body.  Also if you want to go naturally, get a hold of a Natropathic doctor.  there are new drugs out there, and if you go to your local county health department and tell them you want to do a financial assessment, and be seen by a new therapist, and a physician for your condition, for meds, you will be seen for as little as 10.00 per visit based on your income.  Start there, and also the Cascadia Behavioral clinics if they have one in your area will allow you to walk in and be seen and then they go from there.  Good luck to you newbie briar, and hang in there.  We all just tied the knot in the rope for you so be patient with yourself, you are headed for a new life and a new calmer you, and again, welcome, and we are glad you are here.  we truly care, its all genuine here.  Nothing to be ashamed of our illness can be managed.  Take care. Keep moving forward and soon you will go from sad to yeah    You will learn to become one with your illness and then you will also learn to control it, and not let it control you.  Be at peace, you are well on your way.

Post Edited (dry) : 10/19/2006 3:24:29 PM (GMT-6)

Posted 10/20/2006 7:54 AM (GMT 0)
Hi Newwie,

Welcome to HW! I hope you will find that coming here helps set your mind more at ease about what you're going through. Great input and interesting suggestions from Briar and Dry so far!

Well, first off, your gp and hv are not psychiatrists themselves, and are not qualified to deal with bp, so if that's what you have, you do *need* to see a psychiatrist (pdoc). Also, the fact that they are not pdocs and not qualified to deal with it means that their "diagnoses" and expectations of what your treatment might be are just air frankly! Until you are assessed by a pdoc, you will not know what you have or what the treatment may be. Even if you don't have bp, I think a psychiatrist, who has much more training, experience, and skill in dealing with mental disorders of different kinds, would be the best person for you to see.

There is nothing inevitable about bp diagnosis if you see a psychiatrist. It's sometimes easy to forget that there are many conditions out there with some symptoms in common. Your mood swings might even be a side effect of your current med -- something that a pdoc can help you establish and find ways around.

Also, if you *do* have bp, you will see from the many posts here that lithium is far from the only treatment option (another sign that what your gp and hv have said amounts to air!).

Do you know if there's a history of bp in your family? That's normally a good litmus test for whether or not it's a likely diagnosis for you.

Lovely to meet you! -- Keep us updated on how things go, eh?

Rosie x
Posted 10/20/2006 9:02 AM (GMT 0)
Hi
The darkness is fully on me today and raining outside doesnt make it easier it seems to bring it worse like the tears that fall down my face or should be.
h.v to anyone that doesnt know stands for health visitor as my daughter is still under five i have tohave contact with her as i have been very ill for some time and she has to keep a eye on my daughter incase i do something stupid.
I like in the u.k is it still ok for me to use this site?
In this country its very hard to find private treatment unless you live in a major city and im afraid i dont i live in a very small town and resources are very limited.
I have been seeing my gp for some time and also other proffessionals that seem tocome and go as they please and dont seem to give any support really apart from been really horrible comments like your making yourself cut off but they dont understand that when you are in this darkness if i could get out i would but it takes grips that i cannot rip apart.
I have had crisis team involved very early on but they agreed that was just postnatal depression and that i would get over it in time and they came to check on me for a whole two days ad it was awfull as they just seemed to care more about my daughter than myself which really frustrated me.
Also i have had cognitive therapy which didnt work as i understood it completly but didnt sink in to practice. My councillor at the min is great and i wish i could let her help more than i give on but im soscared ofasking for help and i cant seem to open mymouth and ask for it.
Today is really hard and the sea is so calling out to me i find peace there but latley its scary but peacefull if that helps...
Im not sure i so wish i could pick the phone up and say to my h.v im feeling like i want to die but not sure what else to do....

Newwie
Posted 10/20/2006 6:17 PM (GMT 0)
Hi Newwie,

Oh absolutely yes it's alright for you to use this site -- you're 100% welcome. -- It's a worldwide site, though mainly USA, Canada, and UK. I myself am from the UK and love to welcome my fellow Brits! :)

What you need to do if you are in the UK is get your doc to refer you to a psychiatrist for evaluation as soon as possible. -- The waiting lists tend to be long, so the more you can stress how bad things are the more urgent it will be for them to sort out an appointment.

In terms of asking for help and getting the words out, well, I know too well that sometimes the words just don't come. What I do when I know there's that risk is write everything down and take it with me. I make sure that I hand this over to the medical professional as soon as I walk through the door, with a  note that says I'm worried about not being able to speak the things out. They will then be able to take the lead and ask you about things you've written, and direct questions are always easier to speak from.

I'm very worried about you saying you want to die. If you ever feel that you might take this feeling to the next stage, please do contact one of the organisations geared to helping people who are suicidal:

The Samaritans: 08457 90 90 90 or email [email protected]

NHS Direct: 0845 4647 -- Ask for information on your nearest mental health services local crisis line

You might also find the following helpful:

Helpful Web Sites:

Mind's suicide information: http://www.mind.org.uk/Information/Factsheets/Suicide/

Rethink's suicide information: http://www.rethink.org/living_with_mental_illness/coping_in_a_crisis/suicide_self_harm/suicide/if_you_are.html

The Samaritans: http://www.samaritans.org/

Depression and Suicide

http://www.selfinjury.com/index.html

Please always make sure that you have those phone numbers handy in particular, ok? -- At times like that you need to have someone to talk to -- and the best way of ensuring that is to make sure that you are prepared.

You are in my thoughts hun.

Rosie x

 

Posted 10/20/2006 6:52 PM (GMT 0)

Hi Newwie-

I was in a very dark place for most of the summer, it feels intolerable but the human spirit can endure much more than we give it credit for.  I live in the US and if we are feeling suicidal we are instructed by pdocs to go to the nearest hospital emergency room for evaluation.  Maybe this is an option for you.  It beats waiting on some list while you can bearly lift your head.  I am bipolar1, rapid cycling and take meds,  I have for years.  It is not perfect but then neither is living with untreated bipolar illness.  Lithium is just one option--there are a whole host of psychiatric drugs and treatments you can explore with a qualified professional.  Don't give up.  Every time I have come through a time like you are in, I am grateful that I hung on.  One "good" thing about bipolar is that with our mood swings, everything always changes and passes.  This mood will pass too--just don't give up or in until it does.  Seek treatment--don't wait for it to come to you.  You deserve help.  Keep writing and keep putting one foot in front of the other.  You are not alone.

Sue

Posted 10/20/2006 10:16 PM (GMT 0)
Newwie:

I don't mean to sound like I am bragging and/or dramatic, but my new psychiatrist saved my life.

Ill for 9 long years, subjected to all kinds of meds, ECT's, hospitalizations and nothing was working.  Life was a mess, a prison and I accepted the fact that I would never be well again.  I was collecting  disability (Canada), and had no ambition to ever earn a wage, so why would there be a future?  The big thing was the cost of my meds and luckily my hubby's plan, although not great, at least covered most of the cost.

Anyways, back to great pdoc.  My bozo pdoc that I had for most of those black years went on holidays and this new doc replaced him in the meantime. Talk about luck.  He actually sat down with me and went over my history, asked me to describe the bipolar II that I was diagnosed with and placed me on the correct med combination, and that was the beginning a blissful life.  Even though his plate was full with other patients, he took me on as his patient.  And so, I flourished.  New meds, frequent appointments that lasted more than 6.5 minitues, and excellent care and advice. 

Now I am working full-time for a bank, and my passion for writing has resurfaced.  It is a struggle at times, but with my fantastic hubby's support and this new pdoc., the future is so much brighter.  Some days though, I feel like giving up, I won't lie.

Yes, I feel bad bragging, but I tell you, one day you will be joining me on a positive note.  I wish you so much luck in health and happiness.  Lots of will and determination are needed though while climbing the ladder to wellness.  No looking back, and gone are the days for me seated in the corner of a dingy hospital room planning my demise.

Hugs.

Deb

Posted 10/20/2006 11:09 PM (GMT 0)
hi newwie im fairly new here to im also from uk southend on sea essex if u read my thread whats wrong with me you will see i 2 felt like u last week i am having probs with carers an docs an very bad mood swings but i have found the understanding an advice ive recieved from this site has been invalubaleplease seek help again from the crisis team an tell them about all your darkest feelings an also your highs it is them i turn 2 when im desperate i no sometimes some dont seem botherd but there not all like that please look after yourself cliff
Posted 10/21/2006 8:36 AM (GMT 0)
I just wanted to pop back to this thread to send hugs all round -- Sue, Deb, Horazontal, you are flippin' inspirations! Wonderful feedback and advice!! :) Deb, I didn't see your post as a brag at all! -- It's wonderful and positive and shows what *can* be done when you get a great pdoc. -- As I say, inspirational. :) :)

Rosie x
Posted 10/22/2006 6:22 PM (GMT 0)
Hi

Thanks guys i really apprecaite the time you have taken to fill in and return my post.
I didnt think it was bragging either deb it is nice to hear that you have done so well and im glad for you really happy.
I cant see the light as yet as the darkness is just getting worse over the last day or so and i know there is worse to come i know there is im trying to stay focused but find it a hard struggle every day and i know i have to keep going something inside me seems to take over and i then become a robot if that makes sense.
I wish i could have the guts to go to the emergency hospital and stay there untill seen and say hey you im feeling like this please help me but i cant do it im so scared they will take my daughter away from me and that would give me no more reasons to live s even sometimes i find it hard to focus on her never mind if they took her away from me.
I am alone for a week now as my h.v is away and i cant call on her and this seems to send me into moreof a downer i dont know why but i panic that i might do something stupid and she isnt there to save me like she has done in the past on several occasions she has just appered at the right times and pulled me out of the corner and made me a drink and cuddled me in her time after work which is so nice and she has often just called in as she has been passing which ireally appreciate as i dont see much of the outside and she seems to bring it in if you know what i mean.
Newwie
Posted 10/22/2006 8:36 PM (GMT 0)
Tonight im feeling really low and desperate and so wish i had someone to cuddle me and listen to me and be here for me and really care.
I wish te only thing i wish for is to spend a weekend with anyone that would listen and share my problems without needing something back be strong for me and hold me and be a shoulder to cry on and just be there for me really

i so wish for this this would be my wish come true from santa this would but i dont know what to do as the only friends i have are proffessionals and my favourite the one i most trust is my h.v i wish it could be her to have some time to speak and talk my mind without worrying cry when i want to sleep when i want to and just be at peace really with someone i can trust anyone else feel like this??


Newwie
Posted 10/22/2006 9:16 PM (GMT 0)
my heart aches for you newwie! i read your comment and i want to be there hugging you, and understanding your despair. im crying now for you, me, chelle, warren, rosie, and everyone else who has ever felt like you have described. it hurts sooo bad. if you can before you lay down to sleep/try to sleep any way, just imagine all of us that you feel unconditional humankind love for you, wrapping our arms around you and saying we know you, understand you, love you and accept you. you are safe, worthy and at peace. corny and hokey? hey, i try almost anything if i can relax enough to do it or think of it. belive it cause it is true newwie, i am new here too, 24 hr mamber, and i feel the connection with others here. let us hug you.
~manicmama (in hawaii)
Posted 10/23/2006 8:21 PM (GMT 0)
Hi
Still dont know what to do with myself struggling every day and not sure what or where to turn. I so miss my h.v ben here as she is away for a week it dosnt sound much but its such a long time for me, a week is like a eternity.
I hate being like i am but dont know how to change it i hav been binging on the alcohol again and i know its bad for me but it helps me sleep and it helps me to not think about things and god only knows i want to but cannot cope with what i have to think about.
I so wish i was strong and be ale to pick the phone up and ask for help but i cant its like everyone thinks i will struggle through but i have had enough of struggling through and im sick of people thinking i will struggle through as i cant feel i can do it anymore.
I so wish i could but the strenght is being drained from me.
My mother has for once noticed bearing in mind that i see her every day she actually admitted when i broke down and cried today that she said oh its only because you feel down in yourself that was it the end, period etc etc but god its not just that can she not see this she was diagnosed with pychosis and hospitalised for a while when i was younger when born but yeh she seems to have forgoten about it all and boxed it off but she doesnt seem to show me any compassion at all.
I have asked her to take my daughter for a weekend but she point blank refused oh my god what do i have to do to get a break around here? The only way i can see out is to walk into that sea and never come back out, family thats a laugh none of them bloody care a scrap, proffessionals its there job to but then they forget when they go home so what do do i havent got anyone i can really turn to and can totally trust to be able to let myself go with even when i go to councilling yes i talk about things but its not me its not me at all as if it was i would curl up into a corner and cry and be uncontrolable i know it just figting is hard, just breathing is hard, why is it like this?
Newiwe
Posted 10/23/2006 9:31 PM (GMT 0)
newwie, i can empathize with the "mom" issue.  my mom says i need to take the bulls by the horn and stop reacting to every emotion/thought i have!  the denial factor is alive and well in my mother, and we are so intertwined(is that a word),and alike that i think she is scared and guilty.  i too see her every day, or at least i talk to her daily, it is so strained lately.  our society is not set up for moms with mental illness.  at least where im at, i find my self asking the same questions:what has to happen before i get a break from these 3 toddlers.  we need a place free of judgement, and fear of having our kids taken from us, that can give us a few hrs, days, or whatever.  a break. my mind is racing so forgive me for rambling.  just keep posting, and i hope although we are miles away we can be the support you need to get through the minute ahead. 

~manicmama

Posted 10/23/2006 9:31 PM (GMT 0)
Hi Newwie, will you do something for me right now?  Will you close your eyes, and stretch out your hand?  Just keep it stretched out for a moment until you can feel us reaching and touching you.  You are not alone we are all here with you.  Take a few deep breaths in and exhale slowly, and picture something with your eyes closed that means calm to you.  once you are there, I want you to wrap your arms around your waist or shoulders and give your self a group hug for all of us who are on your side for victory over the darnkness and lowness you are experiencing right now.  Try to watch a funny movie curl up with a favorite blanket, and cuddle, make popcorn, and relax with yourself and your freeness to just be you as you are.  I know all your fears.  we all had them at one time or the other, and that er room and the hospital stay for five days actually saved my life, and the old self started to die off slowly and the new recovering and stable one came to life with meds that worked with my chemistry, talk therapy and doctor visits.  The majority of places want to keep the family together, if your mom or family member or friend could watch your daughter while you are being taken care of so you can take of her and yourself, then you will get her back in your care, just because you have a mental illlness doesnt automatically remove you from being a parent, you have rights too. and so does she.  Talk honestly with the hospital Social workers, therapists and administrators and tell them you are doing all you can to get the medical help you need so you can be self sufficient for yourself and your daughter and live a normal life.  That is possible and it will be done by help from them and us.  We care.  and we will always.  Now its time to take care of newwie's needs, so do what you need to do so that you will feel better and well.  Stay in touch we are here.  Dont give up on yourself, we wont, you shouldnt, we believe in you.  Now its your turn.  Take one minute at a time and then go from there.  Let me leave you with this picture I painted for you.  Can you feel that small gentle tap and brush against your cheek while you stand in the midst of a field of beatiful flowers?  Can you smell the perfumes that linger in the air from thier vast varieties?  Newwie, you have just been kissed by a butterfly, and the angels are walking amongst the fields with you as to remind you to not be afraid, they are with you.  Look up newwie, its the dove, breath in your peace it has brought you.  And rest.

Post Edited (dry) : 10/23/2006 3:41:59 PM (GMT-6)

Posted 10/24/2006 8:04 PM (GMT 0)
Hi
Thanks for that i so wish i could feel it but im sorry i cant feel anything i feel so numb
i need to get away from this place

its like a life with no exsistance no connection im so lost
Posted 10/24/2006 11:24 PM (GMT 0)
Newwie hun, I'm really worried about you. Is there anyone with you that can help you at the moment? Or can you get on to one of those crisis lines I suggested? NHS Direct were great with Nicola (Djonma) and I've also been impressed with them in the past. Really worth giving them a call and seeing if they can help speed up the process if you getting the help you need.

(((Newwie))) -- Even though I know you can't feel it right now!

Rosie x
Posted 10/31/2006 9:29 PM (GMT 0)
Feeling lower than lower today, actually phoned my h.v as i was worried about myself but couldnt come for hours, she did come and that was great but i felt like i coud talk but the words wouldnt come out of my mouth like they were stopped by the oive in my head and i was scared so scared i felt like a child scared of something.
She said she was going to contact the gp tommorow and see f she could bring the pycho assessment forward as she feels i need it also a cpn to follow me now as things have taken a turn for the worst she said.
To be hoenst i have fwelt calm really calm lately well the last few days, i have sorted stuff out and have finished my albulm for my daughter which s pictures of me from a baby to now with dates and who is who on and i showed her it and she said it must of been hard it was hard and very difficult to understand what i have done to my mother.
I have decided that i cannot go to councilling tommorow as i cannot face the faces in teh surgery i cant do it its like they all murge into one and the voices in my head are so strong now its overtaking me i used to be able to fight them ut not now.
I have decided that im going to go to the beach tommorow in stead and hopefully i will find peace there.
I havent seen a sole today apart from picking my daughter up and droping her off and thats the way i like it why do family seem so overpowering all the time. They dont listen anyway so whats the point

newwie
Posted 10/31/2006 10:03 PM (GMT 0)
Newie hun, I'll be very frank with you. It worries me that you've just finished the album for your daughter and feel so "calm", that you won't go to counselling tomorrow and are going to the beach instead. I think you need help very badly and I guess I am worried that you will be around a vast expanse of sea when you have already said you want to die. To be honest, I think this is a time for those crisis lines -- or for phoning 999 (same as 911 to you USA/Canada folks!). You need to make sure that you have help right now. I know your hv is trying to sort something out for tomorrow but I'd have felt a lot better if she'd dorted out emergency attention there and then.

I don't understand your reference to your mother. Is that something you want to talk about?

(((Newie)))

Rosie x
Posted 10/31/2006 10:31 PM (GMT 0)
My mother
well she never seemed to love me i know she does but not in the right way
I cant phone 999 i dont feel likei need to im calm and sleepy right now and have my plans for tommorow they say you have to try to get out and thats what im doing going to the beach.
I am not a emergency case i am not dying now i ont need 999.
My mother is disgusted with me daughter out of wedlock and also she was disgusted and felt that i couldnt manage where her words and boy was she right.
I like the ocean its a nice place to be
I dotn knwo why but it is a nice place to be calm as i am calm and at peace ever than i have felt before anyway.
I know what i have to do.

newwie
Posted 10/31/2006 10:44 PM (GMT 0)
Newwie hun, parents don't always show love in the best way, and it sounds like your mum has more of a problem in that than you do. I know our hugs don't make up for that, but I'm sending you hugs (((Newwie))).

I will try not to worry about you tomorrow, but do post wehn you get back to let us all know how it went. I know what you mean about the sea being calming -- the sea and rivers do that for me too. :)

I have all my fingers crossed for your hv making good progress on getting your assessment bumped up to asap. You are in my thoughts hun.

Rosie xx
Posted 10/31/2006 10:46 PM (GMT 0)
thankyou so much they are greatly welcome.

Im so so sorry

newwie
Posted 10/31/2006 10:49 PM (GMT 0)
i wish there was more people can do but im lost in this voice thats in my head its so strong, i have to d it tommorow. I have to go to the sea and be calm with the wind in my hair and the win blowing the sand its sonice there

newwie
Posted 10/31/2006 10:52 PM (GMT 0)
Newwie hun -- you have nothing to be sorry about. (((Newwie))) You're amongst your (surrogate) family here and we all care about you very much -- and know something of what you're going through (though I'm not bp, my depression has been very bad -- suicidal once). We're all here to support you and help you manage those steps that we all know you are strong enough to make, even though I know it doesn't feel that way right now. Believe it or not, I even regained joy in my life after my suicidal time, and that's what I wish for you.

Rosie xxx
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