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Depressed, BP, mad or simply dead inside?

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Bipolar Disorder
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Posted 10/18/2006 9:47 PM (GMT 0)
Start out with the standard friendly stuff,though it feels a tad fake. Hello everybody. And thats about it!! Situational report and internal analysis in one fell swoop. Oh, by the way, I'm new here. Did I need to say that? Any of it? I can't work out if I've joined this to find out if I'm really depressed or amusing the hell out of myself. Either way I'm buggered because it opens the door to guilt and the 'nothing' feeling. And that leads to 'He's looking for pity the fake sod!!' I have a choice between a strangle hold on my emotions or a head full of thoughts that I can't keep hold of. If you haven't already guessed I also suffer from verbal diarrhoea. Ticks in the proverbial boxes are: citalopram, councellor (for alcohol abuse), psychiatrist (for suicidal thoughts), one divorce, a currently long suffering wife.........    This ring any bells with any one? When  I guiltily informed my wife that I've joined a depression forum and felt fake she said "Why? You're a miserable ***!!" By the way she is the best friend and most effective councellor I have ever had. (Admittedly involving the police and a night in cells in one particularly healing session!) I've been told I'm suffering from depression but sometimes believe it, sometimes not. All the tests tell me I am but it's easy to make things out worse than they are? Isn't It!? Depressed people are down all of the time. I'm up, down and all over the place. But I'm not hyper! I think?

Posted 10/18/2006 10:30 PM (GMT 0)
Hi CiderTROLL,

Welcome to HW! -- Hope you find some of the answers you're looking for here. We may not know the meaning of life (yet -- give us time -- and anyway, it's 42), but we are a group who do "get" where you're coming from.

It does sound to me like there's more going on here than "regular" (i.e. unipolar) depression -- and "verbal diarrhoea" and racing thoughts/emotions are characteristic of bipolar -- as are suicidal thoughts and substance abuse ("self-medicating"). However, I should also add that none of us here are medical doctors and this is something that does need proper diagnosing by a psychiatrist. -- Well, you have a psychiatrist, so you're already ahead of me there! Have you talked to him/her about diagnosis? Has he/she ever mentioned "manic depression" to you (another name for bipolar)? A diagnosis is definitely something to push for as soon as possible: whatever you're suffering from, there are many treatments available, and these things *can* be managed. I'd mention your query over bipolar (and maybe do some reading up on it too -- Judy "Judyinky" posted some great links on bp 1 and 2 very recently and you should be able to find info to start you off there) and see if that sparks some action.

If you are bipolar, then an anti-depressant on its own (which Citalopram is -- that's Celexa for you US folks!) can trigger manic episodes. So, as I say, a diagnosis is crucial: if you're bp, you need a mood stabiliser of anti-psychotic along with the anti-depressant so that both ends of the spectrum are covered.

Oh, and bear in mind that "manias" can be "euphoric" or "dysphoric" -- i.e. they can be real energetic highs, or you can have all the energy and racing thoughts without the good feeling (usually a bp 2 thing).

Do keep posting. -- Great to meet you!

Rosie x

P.S. I'm guessing from the cider reference, the use of the word "citalopram" instead of the US brand name "Celexa", and the phrasing that you're from the UK. -- Am I right?! Am I right?! -- Do I get a prize?!? :) I'm down Portsmouth way myself.
Posted 10/19/2006 1:19 AM (GMT 0)
cider,

i've been exactly where you are now.  it was not a good place to be.  get all of the help and support you can to help you get on track.  the meds and the docs will help, but it's what's inside you that will provide your compass.  the the folks around you can certainly help.

please come to this board as often as you like.  scream, rant, share your expeiences with others - yo get the idea.

rosie:  the answer is 42!  haven't heard that one in yrs!  once, many yrs ago, i was working on this suuper classified poject with the royal air force.  we were in a super serious meeting.  i walked in and said, "the answer is 42."  the meeting fell apart with laughter.

warren

Posted 10/19/2006 11:06 PM (GMT 0)
Ever felt like fate takes too much interest in you- in a sadistic capacity- or is that paranoia? Thank you Warren for the RAF slant. 21 years as a submariner I have some empathy. Rosie, no you don't get a prize- near miss though! I was born in Gosport and brougth up in Portsmouth. Guess that makes me English. I hate coincidence. Thank you both for talking to me and I will make my apologies now because should you choose to continue talking to me I am 100% obnoxious, arrogant(?) and full of crap. Apart from that, mildly funny. Did I mention opinionated? There is no start point to rupturing your pain! Did I miss the starting gun somewhere?
Posted 10/19/2006 11:51 PM (GMT 0)
cider,

how wonderful!!  your personality is exactly the same as mine (just ask my wife) :-) .  i always say "he/she must be right.  their prejudice is exactly the same as mine!"  arrogant (sp)?  mois?  just because the rest of the world is delusional and i'm the only one who's right?  i can't help their stupidity.  sound familiar?

what would serve you best right now is to get your illness under control.  as impossible as this might seem at times, it is doable.  as rosie said, get a diagnosis and a treatment plan fom your pdoc.  that's your starting point.  it's hard to save the world when you're hurting that bad.

come back to us.  we'll be here for you.

warren

Posted 10/20/2006 8:10 AM (GMT 0)
OMG -- a Warren-alike!!! AAAAARRRRGGGHHH LOL -- Cider, you are very welcome here -- we all love Warren, and your approach to life sounds just great to me too!!

Let us know how you get on, eh -- and *do* keep posting!! :)

Rosie x
Posted 10/20/2006 10:37 PM (GMT 0)
Thanks once again for the replies. Not sure what I have to say at the moment because it would probably sound rather mundane-stand by for cynicism- whats the point of writing..Hmmmm....typing? Writing seems personal where as typing is something I associate with business. And the point I was trying to make? Gone. Or is that the cynicism gone. Writing! That was it! I write letters, as in the paper kind, because I have a terrible habit of doodle and drivel. (Friends of Sponge Bob). But they are personal- not doodle or drivel because they are actually a style- even if they happen to be unintelligible and down right confusing. Trouble is that they make perfect sense to me. Life to me is like typing while everyone else is writing letters. I shall have to keep this short because our new family member/responsibility is continually trying...see!!!! Thats what I mean. You didn't even know that I misspelt 'trying'. I wrote typing instead but then deleted it. For all of us slightly confused 'Life typists' we have a delete button instead of the ability to leave mistakes on show and learn from them. Unfortunately delete is sometimes permanent if you know what I mean. The new family member? Picked up yesterday: 23 kilos, 12 weeks old, female Rottwieler/Alsatian cross called Bella. Loves chewing cables-live or not. Up to my eyeballs in crap and wee. Some things will never change I guess.

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