recently diagnosised

I was diagnosed not too long ago and have been through a plethora of meds since. I know how you feel. My father had cancer this past year and I remember thinking-- at least they can fix him and he will be better. Isn't that horrible? I even wrote to the Cleveland Clinic to see if I could have my adrenal glands removed. But, having a mental disorder means it's not going to go away. But, there are meds that help us, just like diabetics or those with cancer. And, when we find the right ones we will feel better. Keep your chin up, I know I'm trying. You are not alone. You are no where near alone. This is a great place to come and vent. I have found hope and help here and you can too.

Hey Pretending -- nice to meet you and welcome to HW. Sorry I wasn't by yesterday to read your post.

I'm not surprised none of those anti-depressants worked: for a bp sufferer, without a mood stabiliser or anti-psychotic in the mix, anti-depressants have a bad habit of making things worse by triggering manic or hypomanic episodes. Chances are, you may go back onto one of those anti-depressants in the future, but this time with the right meds to balance things out. Also, anti-depressants are often used to treat anxiety as well (which is more linked to depression than mania), and so it may be that it is being without the anti-depressant that's brought your anxiety back worse. Can you have a talk with your pdoc and find out what his/her plan is here? He/she might be starting you on the Lamictal and Geodon (mood stabilser and anti-psychotic respectively, I think) to see how you cope with those before introducing an anti-depressant -- and he/she might have felt that this would be easier for you to accept after so much "bad luck" (which of course it wasn't -- just not right for bp) with anti-ds.

I agree, it's difficult to feel in control when your brain is sending the wrong signals, but in certain respects the brain is teachable. When I was in an acute anxiety and depression period over the summer, triggered by problems with my bipolar ex (though not really *because* of him, as d/a-p is something I just have anyway), I bought books on bp to try to give myself some more rational help with some of my ex's more difficult behaviour on than I could bring to it. I found one night, when I'd been in a terrible state, that going to the books and reading these clear explanations really soothed me, gave me a sense of things not being alien and impossible to understand or help with (and it made *me* feel better as well as helping me to see how my ex might). I would really recommend this too you: bp is scarey to the newly diagnosed -- and probably the more so if you have an anxiety disorder as part of it or as an adjunct to it. -- But finding out more can help to reduce the fear, and reading is a good anxiety reliever -- except sometimes when people symptom-surf online -- but that's normally because there's limited info (enough to make people worry, but not enough for them to see that they don't actually have x or y disease!), and you as a nurse will be good at seeing that!!

There are a lot of good books on bp. I always recommend David Miklowitz "Bipolar Disorder Survival Guide" because it's the one that helped me most (is a good balance of case-studies, science, coping therapy, etc.), but you may be more drawn to more clinical studies (there's a Bipolar Disorder journal with lots of articles). In any case, this kind of thing may help take the fear away a bit and help to lessen the anxiety.

Do keep posting!

Rosie x