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Posted 12/13/2006 5:45 AM (GMT 0)
Earlier today I tried to kill my self with all the psychotropic drugs I owned and more (which was tons) why you may ask, because I got tired of life.  Tire of being medication, and tried of hurting all the time.  Everyone keeps telling me nothing is worse crying about, but they do no t feel what i feel.  We are all different, so we may not undestand each other all the time.   I only have 1 friend who could trully understand me and is my anchor in times of nee, and I am really grateful to her.  I am better with things, and finally feel safe.
Posted 12/13/2006 11:36 AM (GMT 0)

Please , if you ever feel like this don't hesitate to contact :

National Suicide Hotline
1-800-SUICIDE (1-800-784-2433)
This is a combined network of the Amerian Association of Suicidology, the National Hopeline Network, CONTACT USA, and many other organizations. Call are automatically routed to the nearest crisis center to the phone from which the call for help is placed.

And know that we are here for you also Olivia.

I am glad you have such a good friend  , and that you feel safe now.

Please let us know how your doing.

Take care ,

Smiler tongue

Posted 12/13/2006 5:27 PM (GMT 0)

Been exactly where you are. I tried 3 times in the past 6-7 weeks. All I did was land myself in the hospital and a neuropsychiatric hospital. Now I have hospital bills. My meds are locked in a fire proof, lock pick proof safe. My hubby gives me my meds. I feel like a baby when I have to ask if I can have something for a migraine etc. He's at work right now with the keys and I'm having a migraine right now. Not a d**n thing I can take or do. I know I can't be trusted with them, still.

Try and hang in there and know there are others that understand and can sympathize.

Posted 12/13/2006 7:46 PM (GMT 0)
I'm like that with sharps.
If I get something that needs opening I'm stuck, because my boyfriend has all the scissors at his house. I'm not allowed sharps at the moment.
It's tough living like this, but it's a bad patch. Just a bad patch. My boyfriend always sits with me when I'm upset about it and he goes through all the positive things we have. If I've wanted to cut myself and not done so, that's a positive too.
It's amazing how positive things are when I thought everything was over and I just couldn't go on. Even seeking help is positive.
And as for crying... if you can't cry what else can you do? When we have depression, we need to cry. It's a way our body allows us to let out some of that feeling. A good long cry can sometimes be all it needs to feel a little bit better, just strong enough to get help, or call that friend, or get through to the next day.

*hugs*
Posted 12/13/2006 10:25 PM (GMT 0)
olivia,

boy, my friend, can you fu** up a wet dream!!  this is twice is the last (i can't remember) few months that you have failed to kill yourself.  what a failure!  of course, this is coming from the grand failure of all, having missed on more than 8 occations to carry out the deed to completion,

and what are you, anyway?  psych meds are not that toxic.  it takes a lot to rech a lethal dose.  my opiate pain meds are a lot more effective.  DON'T EVEN THINK about IT!

olivia, we are here for you - often 24/7 in the chat rooms.  watch the aussies, though, in the wee hours of the morning here - they talk funny.  and their sence of humor is more daft than mine.

olivia, please take care of youirself.  i've been where you are and was just lucky my wife came in and stopped me in 2002.  i know it hurts.  i know there doesn't seem to be any reason to go on.  i know that you feel as though this illness controls you and that you are helpless.

but you are a powerful force.  you are far from helpless and noone in this world is hopeless.  you have dealt effectively with this illness for how many years?  and you want to give up now?  i don't think so.  i know that you have touched many people on this board.  and i suspect, if you would give yourself credit, that you have touched the lives of many many others in the "real world".  failure?  no.  missed the mark on that one, girl.

any more excuses?  just plain tired?  yeah, we all get there from time to time.  i'm lucky.  my wife refuses to let me stay there.  you have your friend.  what more can you ask for?

please, olivia, take care of you.  we are all supporting you from cyberspace.

warren

Posted 12/14/2006 2:04 AM (GMT 0)
If you are attempting suicide, remember that it is a permanent solution for a temporary crisis. Garrison Keillor says that if you are ever feeling happy, just wait 10 minutes, it is bound to change. Of course, this is true of bad moods too.

I know, I come in here and harp on going to therapy. I am sure I sound like a broken record. I am becoming a therapist because there are too few good ones out there, ones who really and truly help people. I would not be here to do this or harp on the subject if I had not had a good therapist.

I have not attempted suicide, other than when I had a prednisone-induced psychosis 2 years ago and nearly did die. Once the drugs were out of my system, I was rational again. That whole episode was terrible, but it taught me what it is to be that low and that "out of my right mind." I can't look at someone who is suicidally depressed and have a holier than thou attitude about towards them. I know what it is like to walk in their shoes.

I didn't succeed. I did manage to have a small stroke and I was unable to work for the best part of 6 months and had to do something else for that time. I still have problems with my balance and word finding problems. I am not who I was before this all happened and I am still learning to live with it. My lupus when from light weight waxing and waning to full blown with CNS, cardiac and other internal complications. I am adjusting to this too. I have managed it with the help of a brilliant therapist.

I have said it before, I'll say it again...I think that bipolar people have a deflated and diminished sense of self. We bear the shame of this illness because others think we are "crazy" "screwed up" and "sick." They get tired of trying to "help" us. We end up not knowing our "self" and who we are. Because we are viewed as sick and self-destructive, we fear who we are. I know before I had a good therapist, I was terrified of who and what I am inside. I was so scared I wouldn't even look at it for months, even with her. When I finally did look at myself and explore my inner depths, I was not confronted by a crazy person. I found a gentle, kind, thoughtful and loving individual with enormous capacities for personal and intellectual growth. That comfort in my own skin has leveled me out dramatically.

I have been diagnosed as bipolar II and I have been off of my meds for over a year now. They didn't help the depression and I didn't feel like myself because they blunted my emotions in ways that didn't allow me to honor my "self." Yes, I have had episodes of hypomania with stressful and overwhelming events. I am in a depression now and feeling sad. I don't like Christmas and this year reminds me of the miscarriage I had last Christmas Day. Not the best time of the year. It would be helpful to have meds for the depression right now, but I know my "self" and I know what I am about. I have chosen not to be suicidal this holiday season and to deal with the depression by stepping up my self-care with legal and safe creature comforts like bubble baths, nicer meals and expensive coffee...a little perfume lifts my spirits. I am still depressed, but I am coping.

I think for the majority of bipolar people "coping" is not really in the cards. I think that those around us focus on tight control of symptoms so that they don't have deal with us. You know, not everything we feel, not every emotion is "bipolar." We can feel sad and we can BE sad and how is that part of bipolar exactly? It can be perfectly legitimate in its own right. We are still allowed to feel up and joyous and bright and happy, but it doesn't have spell mania. I think that for those who love us any happy mood sends up a manic flag and any down mood sends up a depressive flag. They need to be a little less vigilant and a little more real with us. I also think that medication is essential, but learning to deal with our emotions is at least as important. We have to learn the difference between feeling upset about something at work and what is the start of a depressive episode. One does NOT follow the other for pete's sake. Being excited about finding a bargain on a needed household item is not the onset of mania, not necessarily. It is knowing yourself and understanding the difference and furthermore, helping those around you understand this too.

Getting down to exploring the "self" is not easy and you really can't do this work alone. If you hurt yourself, you have just denied the world something valuable...YOU. I wish for you that you can find a good therapist who will help you understand yourself and feel comfortable living with yourself. It allows meds do the job better too. Once you value yourself, I don't think you'll ever try to hurt yourself again. It takes a lot of hard work, but I am on the other side and I can tell you it was all worth it!
Posted 12/14/2006 9:02 AM (GMT 0)

Some wonderful advice there guys.

Olivia - you have some really kind , caring people looking out for you - know that you are never alone.

Take care ,

Smiler tongue

Posted 12/14/2006 11:43 AM (GMT 0)
smiler,

condollances on becoming mderator of this dysfunctional family of caring people!  i have enjoyed your posts in the past and look forward to more of them with you as moderator,  bon chance!

warren

Posted 12/14/2006 4:36 PM (GMT 0)

olivia of course said...
Earlier today I tried to kill my self with all the psychotropic drugs I owned and more (which was tons) why you may ask, because I got tired of life.  Tire of being medication, and tried of hurting all the time.  Everyone keeps telling me nothing is worse crying about, but they do no t feel what i feel.  We are all different, so we may not undestand each other all the time.   I only have 1 friend who could trully understand me and is my anchor in times of nee, and I am really grateful to her.  I am better with things, and finally feel safe.

I see we are going through the same stage of our illness, Olivia. Please don't hesitate to PM me or email me at any time. I almost did the same thing yesterday. Instead I took several Xanax, some non-presc. 'addons' and got through it, knowing 'its the darned illness' playing with my head and NOT me.

Today, it lifted. Thank God. I've been depressed/suicidal for two weeks. Hell I love my manic phases. This was my longest down phase yet. Mine are never just 'had a bad day' down. Mine are ALWAYS suicidal. Always.

Well, I've been up 24 hours, so I called in sick, took some sleeping meds and am heads to sleep I hope.

Glad you are still here Olivia :)  Love what LadyDragonfly had to say (and I collect dragongflys and angels) so she gets snaps from me ;)

Remeber, you are never alone. No matter what. And LadyDragonfly's first sentance couldn't be more accurate. Consider the alternative.


Diana - pls ignore my spelling and grammar...lack of sleep.


Posted 12/14/2006 4:58 PM (GMT 0)
Hello Diana , welcome to Healing Well!
It's good to know Olivia has someone to call on.

LOL Warren - glad I can amuse someone!!
Posted 12/14/2006 5:04 PM (GMT 0)
Thanks for the warm welcome, I was looking for a new board and this looks like a terrific place

Diana
Posted 12/14/2006 5:24 PM (GMT 0)
Smiler, could you repost that donation page? I couldn't get it to work? Thanks!
Posted 12/14/2006 5:28 PM (GMT 0)

No problem :-)

BTW it's best not to have your full name on display as some people might use it against you.

Hmmm give me a mo with the donation page...........I'll try and find out what I've done wrong eyes

Posted 12/14/2006 5:33 PM (GMT 0)
Test post
Posted 12/14/2006 5:35 PM (GMT 0)
It's okay, it's my pen name :) and not my real name at all . Hmm, well i'll try the donate page again when I wake up :)
Posted 12/14/2006 5:54 PM (GMT 0)

Phew - that's ok then.

Loving Ozzy - I felt so upset when ppl laughed at him on that TV show sad

Here's hoping the links there this time

Drum roll please./././././././././././././././.

Posted 12/14/2006 5:56 PM (GMT 0)

woo-hoo yeah

It's there and it works!

And I just realised I am talking to myself - on no , the ppl in white coats are here............see ya next time tongue

Posted 12/14/2006 8:58 PM (GMT 0)
Run, run away smiler! Find a good hiding place! Stay there until the coast is clear! LOL! I love that, white coats...
Posted 12/15/2006 9:37 AM (GMT 0)

Hey Chelle - if I've made one person smile , it's all been worth it yeah

Take care of yourself ,

Smiler tongue

Posted 12/15/2006 10:19 PM (GMT 0)
there was a song (what today you might call a "rap") somewhere around 1970/71.  all i can remember is "the're going to take me away ha ha he he he he."  i sort of made it the theme song of the ward when i was in the hospital in 1971. 

this post is totally off topic and appro pos of absolutely nothing.  it represents the ravings of an old man whose mind is slowly tyrning to mush.  how could i remember that song?  oh, dear.  time for a pill of some sort i suppose.

warren

Posted 12/15/2006 11:01 PM (GMT 0)

I'm still quite young and I know what song you're talking about Warren! It's kinda funny and does go along with Smiler's white coats comment.

If we can't laugh at ourselves sometimes, someone else will!

Posted 12/17/2006 12:04 AM (GMT 0)
i'm with you, chelle. but you're MUCH too tyoung to rememebr a song from the early 70s - especially one as silly as this one.

warren
Posted 12/19/2006 10:55 PM (GMT 0)

Thank you all for the positive support and feedback.  I just wish I posted to this forum sooner than later.  I just got out of the hospital yesterday   after a 6 day stay.  Boy, does my life feel more out of synch now than it did before.  I am in a bit of confusion, I guess I let somethings go and now I am at a loss of how to repair them.  But I do know, there is always an answer out there, and I should stop trying to give up hope when the going gets tough.

I guess I am a little upset at my actions, and how impulsive they were, but that's life.  I knew what I should have done, but decided to make it all about me.  Now I know better, and am trying not to fall back into the same pit.  It is easy to keep repeating the same mistakes again and again, and I am hoping this is not one of them.  All I am now is stuck with a tiny bit of guilt for letting myself and others now and stuck with a hosp. bill that could have been prevented.  But I did learn more about how unstable I really was, when I actually thought that things were not so bad.  Now I know what warning signs to look out for.

It feels good and bad to get out of the hosp.  now I know I can't neglect the things of the past, they are the reason I am in this place anyway.  I am mentally feeling much, much better.  Though physically, I feel like it is going to take months to feel whole again.  I don't feel so down anymore, I am just stressed trying to get back to daily life.

Again, thank you all!

Posted 12/20/2006 11:28 AM (GMT 0)

Olivia - it's great to hear from you.

I'm soooooooo glad you're OK hun yeah

And I'm sorry for hijacking your thread eyes lol

Post any time you want - we're here for you :-)

You take care now ,

Smiler tongue

Posted 1/1/2007 10:05 AM (GMT 0)
They're Coming to Take Me Away, Ha-haaa!
Remember when you ran away
And I got on my knees
And begged you not to leave
Because I'd go berserk?
Well. . .

You left me anyhow
And then the days got worse and worse
And now you see I've gone
Completely out of my mind
And. . .

They're coming to take me away, HA HA
They're coming to take me away, HO HO HEE HEE HA HA
To the funny farm
Where life is beautiful all the time
And I'll be happy to see
Those nice, young men
In their clean, white coats
And they're coming to take me away, Ha-haaa!

You thought it was a joke
And so you laughed
You laughed when I had said
That losing you would make me flip my lid
Right. . .

You know you laughed, I heard you laugh
You laughed, you laughed and laughed
And then you left
But now you know I'm utterly mad!
And. . .

They're coming to take me away, HA HA
They're coming to take me away, HO HO HEE HEE HA HA
To the happy home
With trees and flowers and chirping birds
And basket weavers who sit and smile
And twiddle their thumbs and toes
And they're coming to take me away, Ha-haaa!

I cooked your food
I cleaned your house
And this is how you pay me back
For all my kind, unselfish loving deeds?!!
Hah. . .

Well you just wait
They'll find you yet
And when they do they'll
Put you in the ASPCA, you mangy mutt!
And. . .

They're coming to take me away, HA HA
They're coming to take me away, HO HO HEE HEE HA HA
To the funny farm
Where life is beautiful all the time
And I'll be happy to see
Those nice, young men
In their clean, white coats
And they're coming to take me away, Ha-haaa!

To the happy home
With trees and flowers and chirping birds
And basket weavers who sit and smile
And twiddle their thumbs and toes
And they're coming to take me away, Ha-haaa!

To the funny farm
Where life is beautiful all the time
And I'll be happy to see
Those nice, young men
In their clean, white coats
And they're coming to take me away, Ha-haaa!




******
I can post this cuz I so relate. My ex bailed when I got sick and left me with 17 month old twin boys. Oh yes, I soooooo would have loved to go to the funny farm.....but alas, I had to stay in the real world for the babes. *sigh*
But they are nearly 6 now and things are so much better without the mangy mutt.....but you know, when they graduate college, I still think I'd like to go to the funny farm....if only for awhile. :)
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