NEW HERE

First let me start by saying, I have not been diagnosed with Bipolar, but with Cyclothymic Disorder. I also have Panic Disorder, Generalized Anxiety Disorder. In a nut shell, I feel like I'm going insane sometimes, because I have a hard time taking meds FOR ANY REASON - even for a stupid cold!! I hate it -

My Doc has been after me to start my Lamactil but as of yet, no luck, can't seem to take anything other than my Xanax she gives me - said she'd stop filling them if I didn't atleast try the Lamactil - See, I WANT to take the meds, but I can't get through to my brain that it's not going to cause me to die. I've been on Xanax for about 4 years now, very low dose but it does help with the anxiety.

I am getting my Lamactil filled this weekend and will start taking it - Hoping that it helps.. My Doc says it is very easy for someone with cyclothymic to slip into BP I if there is no treatment.

Anyway, that's my story - well part of it anyway - just wanted to say HI

smiler is the forum moderator for bp and will undoubtedly give you an "official" welcome.  but i'm here now and WELCOME to the and to the bp forum.  we're not all there, that's why we're here.     you can rant, rave, scream, ask for help (and get it), share your experience with others - whatever you want.

you said something interesting.  you said that you thought, on some level, that the pills will kill you.  where does that come from?  also sounds like something to discuss with your therapist of psychiatrist (pdoc) .  there's something going on in your head that is trying to keep you from getting the help you need.  i know that you an get over it.

warren

thanks for the warm welcome's guys

right now, I only can access the internet at work   that will soon change..

In answer to your question Warren, I have this thing about taking ANYTHING - even stopped taking Ibuprophen because i saw on the med sheet that came with my script (that I had been taking for many years) that it could cause stroke, and smoking didn't help that cause.. So, i quit taking it alltogehter.. Which is fine for the fact that since I quit taking it, I didn't have my everyday headaches - which was also a side effect that I didn't know about until after I takled to my doc.. But yeah, I have a fear of taking EVERYTHING - I did go last night, and pick up my script for Lamictal, but i wasn't feeling good, so i takled myself out of taking that last night.. I promised myself I would take it tonight, just a little anxious on how it will make me feel, which is prolly why I wasn't feeling good last night. I don't have a pdoc - need to get one - I tend to go with, my mood is "okay" why bother - then when I get what I call "out of me" I figure it's too late, and I'll cycle through soon - although I do have a good friend that I talk to, ironically she's been diagnosed years ago with MPD now known as DID  - she's got a good handle on her life, and the oldest in her head "Maryanne" is very intelligent and I usually talk to her. I know that's not the same, but i guess what's kept me from going to the pdoc, is I went last year, for the inital interview, saw the med giver, she gave me info on Depakote and Lamictal, and told me to choose one. then it was 6 mos before they called back to tell me they found a therapist for me.. darn, I had cycled about 3 times since then - I just gave up hope, Because of the scared to take anything, I figured I could handle it on my own, not so much - cycles are coming more often, and in the words of my loved ones, are getting worse. When I'm manic, I am only I think it's referres to as hypo - not as extreme as BP1 manic? Anyway, I ALWAYS go into my terrible panic attaks then, which are changing to - Getting worse - and can almost tell you when my moods are changing, because the changing of the moods either way are (now that I can take a step back and look at it) followed by an attack -

I think sometimes that I'm just going to lose it - I feel pretty good today - for now

I'm glad I found this board, cause sometimes it's easier to type it out - I do journal, and that does help - to see it all put in words - Maryanne told me to start.. I don't let anyone read my stuff - I thought about it, so my loved one's would know where I was coming from, but then I thought about it again, and thought no. Too personal to share right now - maybe later..

the one thing that scares me the most is my son is alot like me in his moods, but his anger can be out of control, he likes to hit things - NOT ME, ot other people, which is a good thing, He's been in and out of therapy when he was younger, couldn't get him to talk though, so pretty much a waste of time.. He'll be 16 this Saturday, I'm hoping he'll realize that he does need help before it's too late.. HE IS DEFINATELY ONE OF MY TRIGGERS.

anyway, I've babbled long enough

Thanks for bieng here