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Posted 7/3/2007 10:59 PM (GMT 0)
Hey Everyone,

This past weekend was a tough one for me and my bf...After being h-manic for almost two weeks, I crashed into a depression and was extremely emotional and anxious.  We live together, and my symptoms really made things hard for us this weekend.

There is a little more to it than that...My past bf's were really bad guys, cheaters, liars, abuser (one was)...And my mental illness was something that was not tolerated in the past from them.  They would find other girls, leave me, and pretty much make me feel like I was crazy and no good.

So mix all that together and I am really just scared to death of losing this wonderful guy I have now, and of course the symptoms of my bp are completely uncontrollable (as you all know).  I cried all weekend, non-stop and now a few days later, aside from all my insecurities about myself and aside from my symptoms, I feel there was a part of me that was also acting immature.  I think the insecurity is a little immature maybe.

I am really wanting to work on this so my bf and I can be happy together, because that's all he wants, is to make me happy.  And he truly is the greatest, he does make me happy.  I just want to not be so afraid.  I'm fearful he would want someone else, (there is someone specific) or someone else he could meet one day out of the blue....and I need to stop that.  My bf is trustworthy and loving.

I do know that insecurity comes from my anxiety (and my bp too) and my past, but I want to work on it.  I was wondering if anyone had any suggestions, or if anyone has experienced this.

Thanks....

 

Posted 7/4/2007 12:23 AM (GMT 0)
Been there. I don't think I've ever once had an adult tell me that they loved me and I believed it. I also was in a couple of abusive relationships, and I think that combined with the nature of our disorder makes feeling worthy of love and even compassion difficult. We feel as though we should be able to control this through force of will. If we were just a little stronger, just a little bit better person, etc, etc, you get the drift. I know logically that no matter what, I can't think this away, but when you've been told enough times you could be better if you just wanted to, it's difficult to believe that theres anyone out there with enough compassion to just hold on until it passes. They are there hon. Sounds like you might have found one. Just don't write him off due to past experiences before you've given him a chance.
Posted 7/4/2007 12:28 AM (GMT 0)
i get like that too. i think that why would this great man stay and put up with this crap when there are "better" ppl out there for him i'm sure. but my advise is only to be as open and honest about your feelings as you can. make sure he knows where your insecurities are coming from. so he can understand. thats what i have done. so my husband ( of ten years) knows when i get like that i just need a little extra reassurance and caring. and he gives it to me. great guys listen and try their very best to understand and be there for you. they just need to know whats going on in your head. you have to tell him. thats whats always worked for me. and thats really the only thing i can think to say. other then your not alone and i know that you cann feel like you are sometimes. but i get like that too. i just know that so and so would be so much "better for him then me. and what not. but i just talk it out with my hubby. good luck and do your best thats all you can do.
Posted 7/4/2007 10:09 PM (GMT 0)
Mogs

Thanks for your reply to my posting, your encouragement is so appreciated and needed. I'm sorry you had a tough weekend. I totally understand the insecurity. I never realized the degree of my own insecurity..and now living with past choices I have made the insecurity is even worse. How are you suppose to feel good about yourself with the choices that were made. In my logical head I understand that I have to move past and work through those insecurities in order to have a productive future; however the emotional side of things is sometimes stronger than the logical. I am afraid about working through all this and losing my husband in the end. That thought makes me extremely sad.

I do know that if your bf is as trustworthy and loving as you say, then use that to help yourself! Trust him with all your feelings, and don't leave yourself to suffer through the pain alone on the days when the sun is not shining so brightly. If he understands the different aspects of what you are experiencing, then there is no way he would want you to suffer alone. If you have him at your side understanding things and you letting him be close when you need it the most, I guarantee you won't be so afraid. Fear can be crippling, and it is fear that will stop us from progressing with our lives. I am so lucky with footballfan helping me through this. He probably knows more about bp than me! We see our councellor once a week, family doc -about once a month, and I see my pdoc the middle of this month again. I am thankful for my support system.

You are in my thoughts and prayers every day.
Dutchie
Posted 7/6/2007 1:20 PM (GMT 0)

Hi Dutchie,

Thanks for your reply.  Sorry mine is a bit late, rough day again yesterday.  I'm definitely in a bout of deep depression and it's hard.  You too are in my thoughts and prayers each day.

Your advice was really appreciated and comforting.  I am planning on trying to lean on my bf instead letting my fears control me.  It's not going to be easy.  He is trustworthy but sometimes he gets mad when I'm not feeling well or having these insecurities.  I'm hoping that if I let go of the fear and lean on him more his anger will go away.

Anyway, I'm gonna go visit my Mom today...I'm just so depressed I need to get out of this lonely house.

Hope you're doing okay today :-)

Posted 7/6/2007 3:55 PM (GMT 0)

Hey Mogs, sorry you have been down. I wonder if I can shed any light on this from a different perspective. As you know my wife has been diagnosed with bp, so I am in the same situation as your bf, I will tell you how I feel and then you might be able to gain a better understanding.

As far as him getting angry and telling you it isn't anger it is frustration, 100%. As a guy dealing with this it is extremely difficult, I have always faced problems and done whatever I could to fix them. When I face a problems I can't fix it becomes very frustrating because it feels like my hands are tied. Is he trying to educate himself on bp? The more information I get and the more I get different perspectives the more I understand, I know I will never understand it because I haven't experienced it, but I try to understand the best I can so I can offer support, that is all I can do.

During the good times it is very important to discuss things with him, you need to remember that you aren't on this rollercoaster by yourself, he is a part of your life and whatever happens with you it affects him in some way. I am not saying he is facing more problems, he is on a ride that he doesn't understand and logic dictates his thinking. I know when Dutchie discusses how she is feeling I feel at least I can offer a perspective that may help. Yesterday Dutchie cried all day, I felt helpless but at least I knew that it was the bp causing it and therefore I could just try to support her.

When Dutchie has been down she has told me that it feels like she is sitting at the bottom of an empty swimming pool alone. I remind her that I am sitting beside her in the swimming pool, she isn't alone.

I don't know if any of this helps. You have said you prefer to discuss with other people with bp because they understand. I understand your bf. If you need my help with understanding him then please post it, you have helped Dutchie and me so much I would like to give some of that back to you.

Posted 7/6/2007 6:25 PM (GMT 0)
Im sorry to hear your depressed, me too. It sucks eh ?

I think with your boyfriend the best way to do it is forget about the ones in the past and focus on this one. Try not to look too far ahead and just enjoy each day that you have with him. Try and be strong I know it can be hard, but you can really only take it one day at a time. If you have insecurty issues you may wanna get someone like a therapist to work through these.

I feel for you cause I often think who would want me and all this baggage and if I do find someone I would also worry by bipolar might be too much for them. I think truly though if someone is ment for you something like this wont come between you. But one day at a time I find is how I best deal with any issue
Posted 7/6/2007 9:30 PM (GMT 0)

  Think, really think, about what you love about yourself.  You are, as well all are, truly one of a kind.  Consider why you are creating obstacles for yourself in terms of your self-worth.  Perhaps work on these obstacles, how they developed, and how you can release them through therapy, art, and journaling.  Your fear is only an illusion but it can affect your life if you let it dictate your actions and dominate over what your heart aspires towards.  You are very blessed and lucky to find such a boyfriend and I wish the best for you.  :)

Posted 7/7/2007 2:53 PM (GMT 0)

footballfan,

Thank you for your post and trying to help me see how he (my bf) feels.  Everything I read I could relate to him and how he feels.  I get it.  I do.  Really.  My heart aches for him, and I would do anything for him.

Unfortunately, I tried opening up to him yesterday while I was on the verge of a major breakdown--my depression had me in sobbing tears sitting in front of him and it did not go well.

I stopped my tears b/c it was making him angry/frustrated whatever you want to call it and listened to him and told him I understand HIS pain in this.

I think I am going to give up trying to talk to him about my suffering.  That way he won't have to be affected and I won't be hurt.

I was on the phone with the Crisis line last night b/c I had no one to talk to and the depression has consumed me and I'm all alone with it.  I am at no risk to myself, just extremely depressed and alone.  I am in agony.

Ra Ra--Thank you so much for your kind words, I have taken them in my heart and I am going to journal today now matter how depressed I am.

Sooper--Thank you also for your post, you really can relate. 

All of you are in my thoughts.  I wish you could all be here with me until this depression lifts.

Posted 7/7/2007 5:22 PM (GMT 0)
Mogs, I urge you to not give up on talking to your bf about what you are going through. Not talking will inevitably make things worse in the end. Perhaps just wait until a day where you are feeling stronger. Until then ask that he be patient with you and just have him hold you. I know nothing seems to make me feel more secure in my own skin than to have footballfan hold me.

I can totally relate to your feelings of being scared and feeling alone, I find even with footballfan right there beside me, I still sometimes feel very alone. But I know it would be 100x worse if he wasn't there with me.

My councellor told me to make small goals for myself throughout the day. I know there are days where the emotion is stronger than anything else, but do you best to just make small goals for yourself....hour by hour if you have to. And she reassured me that it was ok to take time to be sad (or whatever) if you need to cry...then cry...but try to set a goal for yourself..."ok I'll have a cry, but in an hour I am going to go have a shower and do my hair....and when you have accomplished that...set out a new goal...to perhaps go for a walk with your bf.
That is what I am realizing I had such a difficult time with was looking too far into the future.....for be a week was too far into the future....unless it was something up and exciting to look forward to. making really short term goals for myself is really helping. My mind still gets away on me, but it is so different from before all this came out.

I'm there with you Mogs...you are not alone.

Dutchie
Posted 7/7/2007 5:25 PM (GMT 0)
Mogs, I urge you to not give up on talking to your bf about what you are going through. Not talking will inevitably make things worse in the end. Perhaps just wait until a day where you are feeling stronger. Until then ask that he be patient with you and just have him hold you. I know nothing seems to make me feel more secure in my own skin than to have footballfan hold me.

I can totally relate to your feelings of being scared and feeling alone, I find even with footballfan right there beside me, I still sometimes feel very alone. But I know it would be 100x worse if he wasn't there with me.

My councellor told me to make small goals for myself throughout the day. I know there are days where the emotion is stronger than anything else, but do you best to just make small goals for yourself....hour by hour if you have to. And she reassured me that it was ok to take time to be sad (or whatever) if you need to cry...then cry...but try to set a goal for yourself..."ok I'll have a cry, but in an hour I am going to go have a shower and do my hair....and when you have accomplished that...set out a new goal...to perhaps go for a walk with your bf.
That is what I am realizing I had such a difficult time with was looking too far into the future.....for be a week was too far into the future....unless it was something up and exciting to look forward to. making really short term goals for myself is really helping. My mind still gets away on me, but it is so different from before all this came out.

I'm there with you Mogs...you are not alone.

Dutchie
Posted 7/7/2007 7:11 PM (GMT 0)

Thanks Dutchie.

My bf won't hold me when I'm not feeling well.  So this has to be on my own from now on when I'm dealing with my symtpoms.  I'm going to have to go cry somewhere else, if I have to cry.

The short term goal thing is great.  I learned that in my support group.

Thanks for your post...I am having such a hard time.  I don't even know what to expect when my bf gets home from work today...I'm still not feeling well, and I'm going to have to pretend that I am.

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