Disasociation?

There's this place inside my mind that I can escape to.  I've done it all my life, maybe everyone does.  Sometimes though, when things get bad it becomes more real than all the realness that surrounds me.  It's almost as though I"m searching my mind for that locked door.  The one that I can excape through and never come back.  I know it exists.  I've seen those with the empty eyes, and I believe that that is where they've gone.  Just so far into their own heads that they don't ever have to come back.

Is it pathetic to yearn for that?  To want to stop dealing with this so badly I"d be willing to spend the rest of my life in some ward staring blankly at a wall?

I"m so tired.  Tired of all of this.  This has been bad for nine months, and I was fighting for stability another nine before that.  And really I'm not sure I know what stable even is.  I've spent most of my life either depressed or hypomanic.  I don't really have those normal periods in between.

This time it's more severe.  I've had my "rolling"panic attacks all day.  Managed to head off a big one with ativan this evening.  I need my seroquel so badly but can't take it because I have a child running a moderate temp and I"m afraid I won't wake if he calls for me.

My husband was here visiting the kids tonight, he knew the state I was in, knew I couldn't take my med if I was home alone dealing with a sick child, and walked out the door anyway.  Told me if I needed to go into the hosptial to wait until the third week of July because thats when he has his vacation.  I guess I"m supposed to pencil in my breakdown for his vacation week.   What a joke.  I'm faltering badly now.  Two more weeks?  I'll never make it.

I can totally relate. there is no such thing as a normal mood in my life. Ellie hang in there, wow you have a lot going on in your life. I am sorry you are going through a rough time.

I see a psychiatrist. Just for short little 15 min. med appts. He, in his infinite wisdom, pulled me off not only my Wellbutrin but also my lamictal because the hives wouldn't stop. I'd have rather taken massive amts. of benadryl and continued the wellbutrin. Now I've been off for over two weeks but he won't replace the AD's until my next appt to make sure my system is clear. I understand the logic behind it but it sucks anyway.
I'm just tired of the fight. It seems so eternal.Med after med after med and when I finally find a combo that's working for me they yank it away. So much for hope, huh?
Truly what good am I to my kids or anyone else if I can't get out of bed. And if (god forbid) I do make it up and dressed I just can't stop yelling at everyone. 2mgs of Ativan isn't putting much of a dent in it. My older kids are angry and wanting to live with their dad, and who could blame them. Life here is not what it once was. I'm doing noone any favors by trying to hold onto this. I just want it to stop. I want to be a good mom again. I want everyone to stop being angry at me and most of all I want to stop being angry at everyone else. It's like I'm someone else. Just standing off in the distance watching this crazy person losing control, and while somewhere inside I'm screaming for it all to stop, I have no control. All I can do is watch.
I'm lost.

My husband (we've been separated for most of our 8 year marriage) will not step up to the plate. As an example, when I miscarried our last child, he knew I had no gas, no baby sitter, and no way to the hospital. When I called him and told him I was bleeding heavily he said he'd bring me gas money so I could drive myself to the hospital. He showed up two days later. Thats mr reliable for you. He will take my children and dump them on someone they don't know and won't think a thing of it. I don't want my kids in foster care.

My older daughters both live out of state and the oldest one still at home is only 15. My mother is nearly 80 and we havent spoken in a very long time. There just really isn't anyone. I don't have friends. I isolated myself pretty much completely years ago. I would truly like to be in the hospital. At one point I had asked my husband if he would move up his vacation (I know he can) but apparently he has plans for that week that can't be moved up. Hmmmm. Makes me think he isn't really planning on helping out then either.
He does show up after work sometimes though. Help with the kids, he knows I'm having a terrible time getting out of bed. But only on nights he doesn't have other plans. If its bowling night, I could be lying on the floor dying, and he'd step over me and move on.
Today isn't so bad. I've only spent about 2/3's of the day in bed. Actually a good day for me. Not a panic attack yet today either. I have a pdoc appt on Tues so maybe I'll make it after all.

Thank you serafena. My appt is tomorrow. It's odd how yesterday, while not a good day, wasn't terrible. Then I get up this morning and my world is @#$%.;. I'm just trying to avoid my kids mostly today. Trying to keep them occupied with games and videos so at least I'm not screeching at everyone. I HATE this so much. Hate what it's doing to me, what its doing to my family. I don't want to yell anymore. I don't want to cry anymore. I"m begging for help and I feel like everyone in my life is building walls around me to make sure I don't get it. Then they complain that I need to get myself under control. They just don't understand that I'm really really trying, and the more I fail, and the more they blame me the more worthless I feel, the more hopeless I become.
Does this ever end? I've never had a mixed episode like this. It's just going on forever. Sometimes I feel like this is all thats left. That I'm going to be like this the rest of my life. What kind of life is that?