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Scary Time--Please, please help

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Posted 7/13/2007 12:57 PM (GMT 0)
Hi Guys,

I was starting to feel a bit better last night in the BP Chat, then my bf came home and told me he would be going out after work tonight w/his friends and he works all day today and tomorrow.  So I am going to be alone until tomorrow night, and I am terrified.  This has triggered the worst state of depression I've had in along time.  I just got off the phone with Crisis, I'll probably be back on with them soon.

Guys I am not well right now and I am scared.  I'm not at all at risk to myself, but I am scared b/c this state I'm in has taken over, it's overwhelming and I don't want to be alone right now.  I can't be alone right now.  There is no one I can call to keep me company, no friends, and I can't be around family when I'm in this state.

I'm trying to make a plan to keep my day structured and filled with support somehow.  I'll probably be on the phone with Crisis and Distress a lot, I was thinking to come here and go into some of the chat rooms, Depression or BP, just get some support to get me through this day somehow.  So if you're on here, if you could check to see if I'm in the chat rooms, and if you have time to talk to me for a few minutes if I'm there, I would really appreciate that.

I am trying to stay out of the hospital, b/c I hate it there, and I don't want to scare my bf.  The hospital honestly would not help my state of mind anyway.  I'm just trying to cope and it's so hard, b/c I feel like I can't fight this one at all.  I am so scared right now and I can't believe I'm going to be alone for the next two days.

My bf is aware of my state, but I can't bring myself to ask him to cancel his plans tonight.  We faught ALL night last night and I know how badly he wants to go out tonight.  If he were to come home tonight after work and not go out, it wouldn't be a good scene around here 'cause I'm so sick...So he can't be here tonight.

Anyway, thanks for reading.  Any replies are welcome, they could be comforting to me as well.

 

Posted 7/13/2007 2:02 PM (GMT 0)
I'm not very comfortable in chat, but I'm thinking of you today Mogs. I usually like to be alone when I'm depressed but I've had nights, (night before last actually) when I woke in the dark and all the horrible things were circling in my head like sharks waiting to descend on me, and I would have given much to have someone to talk to. I've been separated from my husband for a long time and I don't have a boyfriend. I have alot of kids, but what goes on in my head isn't something that can be shared with a child.
I find if I can stay on the phone, or even just sit outside, it helps that panicy feeling. Sometimes I just curl up in bed with the music on and cuddle my dogs.
I've been on this site off and on for almost 2 years. It's been a real lifesaver to me. Hang in there hon, we're all here for you.
Ellie
Posted 7/13/2007 2:17 PM (GMT 0)
Mogs

First of all just so you know that at the time I am writing this you are currently not online, but I will definitely keep my eyes open for you today. I was discussing this with Footballfan to possibly meet you at a certain time to chat, but we quite likely live in different time zones, so I'm not sure how we can work that out.

First of all Mogs, start by taking a breath. If you need to cry, then have a cry, but this is where you really need to make those small goals right now for yourself. The smaller the goals when you are in this state the better. Plan for yourself...OK at 11:00 this morning I am going to shower and get ready for the day. Then when you have accomplished that, take pride and comfort in the fact that you did it. Go on HW for 1/2 hour to get some more encouragement. Then move on to something else...go for a short walk. Walks are a wonderful thing! Keep your goals to hour by hour. I know this is helpful. The fact of the matter is, as I to have realized is that your mate is not going to be there 24/7. Footballfan has the type of job that I can call him whenever I need, so I do have that added comfort. However we need to make through these days on our own as well. We use all the support systems and friends we can to GET through these days, but in the end we are doing it for ourselves. And as you and LFW have told me on my low days it can be done....you just have to do it.

Do not look so far as tonight, or tomorrow night....you must literally focus on these days hour by hour. You need to take pride in each thing you accomplish. Don't take for granted...."oh, alll I did was have a shower and get ready".....on days like this , that is a huge accomplishment and you need to recognize that. You are in me thoughts daily, don't be scared, if I could I would give you a hug in person. But since I can't, consider this a cyber hug. You are not alone, because you have people thinking of you throughout each day.

YOU ARE NOT ALONE!!!!
I will check in again several times today and with any luck catch you when you are online.

You can do this Mogs... Anyone who can give the adivce and support like you do is certainly capable of making it through these black days. Lets take it slow and turn this black day to at least a lighter shade of grey OK?

I'm with you Mogs.
Dutchie
Posted 7/13/2007 2:25 PM (GMT 0)
Hi Mogs:

Hang in there! You're gonna be okay.

When I'm feeling really panicky I try to think back to a time when I felt stronger. When, say, making it through two days more or less on my own wasn't such a big deal. (And it would freak me out now too.) Remember how strong you can be? You can be that strong again. You are that strong.

Try to remember that you're really a strong, healthy woman underneath all that chemically nonsense swirling in your head. Do something which makes you feel calm and safe. Can you leave the house? Go somewhere distracting? Fun? What about going to a movie?

serafena
Posted 7/13/2007 8:01 PM (GMT 0)

Thank you all for your replies.  I was doing okay for a bit there, but now I'm back in crisis mode.  I'm scared again.

Ellie, I took my kitty into bed and tried to have a nap.  I think I slept for about an hour.  My cat stayed with me the whole time and it was comforting, so thanks for that idea.  I was feeling a little better after that.  No worries about the chat, sometimes I'm not comfy with it either.  But may need to pop in there today.

Serafena, thanks for reminding me about my strength.  In the last 19 hours, I have never felt so weak, and I feel I can no longer fight this at all.  And now in the last hour since things have gotten worse again, I am overwhelmed.

Dutchie, thank you for your helpful post.  I had my shower and did my hair.  It means so much to me that you are with me today.  It's truly getting me through.  My eyes are stinging and burning from crying so much.  I don't want to be alone anymore today, I am so scared.  I don't want to be alone anymore today, I don't.

Posted 7/13/2007 8:39 PM (GMT 0)
Hey Mogs,

You're not logged in, but log back in and let us know how you're doing soon, okay. I'm thinking about you.

serafena
Posted 7/13/2007 8:44 PM (GMT 0)
Hey Mogli,

 

I hope your doing better. I will check in and out today to see if I can catch you and I would be happy to chat with you for as long as you need.

 

I find pets are a real comfort too. I have a cat and two dogs and they always seem to know when something is wrong and give me extra love. Sometimes just petting them calms my nerves.

 

Hang in there, I'll keep checking chat for you.

 

Zomese

Posted 7/13/2007 10:43 PM (GMT 0)
Hi Mogli,

I hear you say how sad and weak and scared you are feeling...but I want you to do something for me right now....I want you to read through some of the posts of encouragement that you have given to Dutchie and others, I want you to read through your post from this string AGAIN with what YOU have said. Do you see how strong you are even when you are in this state! The feelings that you are having, even though they feel REALLY REAL, REALLY OVERWHELMING (I am not yelling, just emphasizing words), aren't stopping you from functioning or being able to responsibly reach out for help. So recognize that, and don’t indulge those feelings.

Okay......here is the next thing I would really like you to do....I want you to get dressed in workout clothing, go to your computer and look up a yoga class close by...and even though you "don't feel up to it", GO to the class. If you are new to it, go to a beginners/intermediate class. Don’t think about this; don’t indulge the feeling inside that will come up with excuses why not…..Just DO it. You will be in a room full of people; you will do breathing exercises, stretch your body, have a positive effect on the chemical balance of your brain, and you will stimulate the endorphins in your head, while continuing to putting one foot in front of the other. And if you feel brave enough…make a goal to look at two people and just say the words…”hello”. Who knows you may make a friend?

Now…LFW perils of wisdom….While it is good to acknowledge feelings, you can learn to consciously choose to ignore ones that are negatively affecting you, and at the very least not indulge them. Will you be able to control it 100%...NO, so don't expect to. But, you will build the discipline muscle up and eventually do better, and every moment of success is a WIN for you and step by step you will learn – even in an episode of panic, depression, etc. – what to do to help yourself. That you can be alone and survive. You can count on yourself….open your eyes and look - you already are!

Now, when you get home from the yoga class, take out your journal and praise yourself for what you have accomplished. List all your strengths and areas you were able to count on yourself even when you didn’t “feel” like you could or would. THEN…write us and share your pride with us EVEN IF YOU DON”T FEEL LIKE IT…do it anyway (again, not yelling…just emphasizing).

Now, if you are in a time zone that it is time prohibitive to do a class right now…go to the store and buy a beginning yoga tape to keep at home for emergencies like this. And then do all the above at home – and then in the morning…go do it out at an actual class.

Mogli, you are a stronger woman than you think. You are capable of handling the panic inside and being able to count on yourself in this moment, even when you think you can’t…because LOOK…you ARE! So…you go girl. And try what I am asking you to do. You have nothing to loose, it could help you develop an action plan for future bouts too! Hugs to you, LFW
Posted 7/14/2007 1:49 AM (GMT 0)

Hey Mogs,

I read through your posting today at work, I hope your doing ok. One thing I noticed is that you feel alone, and yet I see all the replies you have got in a short amount of time. You have a great support family here. Your not alone your just by yourself while you read the postings from your friends. You have a lot of good people here that are more than willing to talk and help you and others through the difficult times. Dutchie has been working outside all day but has checked several times to try and catch you online so she could chat. With the problems we are going through that should mean a lot that she is thinking so much of you, you have friends to talk to, it's just figuring out the timing.

Your a strong person dealing with a difficult time. The difficult time will pass, you will always be that strong person. Take it a little at a time and know that you will feel good when you accomplish small goals that you set out for yourself.

We are all thinking of you and supporting you through this.

Your cyber support family.

Posted 7/14/2007 5:05 AM (GMT 0)
Hi Mogli,

though I am new here I feel your pain and desperation. I don't know much to say except I grappled with fear of seperation from the one and only true woman who loved me.

At this stage I guess its one step at a time. Like all those before me have said...
I am trying as well. most of the time I get frustrated and simply just don't want to do ANYTHING... despite the repeated attempts by family and loved ones to just get out of the room...

then I start moving around... and the morning anxiety subsides... and if it be the will of whatever being out there... I will get some respite and better perspective. I just can't make it on my own. And most of the time I just think of only one thing: Escape.

I believe there is a lot of true love here... hard to find in cyberspace... hard also in real life.

Be gentle with yourself k? You will be in my prayers all of you.

Joe from singapore
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