I feel like running away

Sometimes the inertia drives me mad during depressed moments like this. It reaches a boiling point that I just pack up and leave for a short trip out of the country... maybe for just 3 or 4 days...

what frustrates me is coming back on the plane, teary eyed.. feeling more alone than ever...
and then when rock bottom is coming up as the tears won't stop, I end up wishing I was not 'here' but somehow even though I know escaping isn't helping... I just ruminate and ruminate and think about leaving... "anything is better than this" I would say...

its hard in the dumps. Its hard to post something hopeful for me. I really wish I could communicate more positively. I've been reading the depression and bipolar forums and am simply amazed by the strength my fellow sufferers have... and their insight is inspirational. I know I shouldn't feel bad about being negative... but I am. Guilt is my greatest problem... after all the damage my manic episodes have created, after all the failed relationships... all the stupid narcism... I can't even bear to see my psych now because I don't seem to be improving... and so in a panic I just want to pack up and leave the nothingness behind... only to find it follows me wherever I go

things get better right? I just can't see it now

Joe,

Hang in there, this too shall pass.  I feel that way these days, I think I am trying to fight off my depression.  I wouldn't say I am fully depressed, but I definetly am in a funk.  I feel like escaping from what is called life everyday, but as you said you can't go on vacation alone.  Because the part of you that wants to escape will go with you everywhere you go.

As Ellie said, don't give up on your therapist or your Dr.  Even if you feel like it is not helping.  All things take time.  Even though it may not feel that was to you.

 

Hi Joe,

I think you may have posted on other message threads since this posting, but I just wanted to check and see how you were doing.  Hope you are feeling less bottled up and guilty.  I think I remember reading that you were seeing a therapist  . . . I hope that is helping you. 

I am Bipolar I as well and really had a hard time with guilt re: the actions and behavior following manic episodes.  Took a lot of processing with a therapist to be able to make peace with that period of my life.  Still comes back to haunt me sometimes, but much less.  I had to forgive myself.  Hope this helps.

Hope all is well and you have been feeling better this past week.

White Tulip