Need a diagnosis please

Ok, I posted this in the Depression section too but I figured I'd come here and ask people who have Bipolar and can lend me a hand (not that other people haven't helped me already, they have, but I figured I'd ask you guys too)

 

Ever since 5th grade, I knew I had depression, but it's gotten alot worse...

 

I started 8th grade in August and from what started out as mild depression, spun to a whole different level. My grades have dropped severely; Normally I'm an A-B student, now I'm getting 1 A, 5 Cs and a D. I've become forgetful and have the worst time trying to get myself to pay attention. I get these "sugar rushes" where I'm so hyper I become annoying. Later on, it turns around and turns into sadness, where I just feel completely worthless and have acually had suicidal thoughts. Then it turns into rage, where I just go completely bilistic on something I normally wouldn't care about. Lately, with all the stress from school, the anxiety, and the depression made me so sick to my stomach I acually make myself throw up (I really hope you can't count that as bulimia...)

 

I've also had these weird dreams on everyone I love dying, including me, but I don't know if that means anything...

 

My sleeping paterns go up and down. I'll go from only getting 3 hours of sleep (I wake up ALOT in the middle of the night) to sleeping for over 12 hours. Eating? I haven't eaten a whole lot lately; When I get upset I don't eat.

 

I've always thought I had some form of depression, but now I'm not sure. Could this maybe be Bipolar instead? My father has BD, so I guess it's not impossible. Could you please help me?

 

Another thing is, should I tell someone? My best friend keeps stressing to me that I should tell someone immedietly, and I haven't even told her I'm suicidal. I really don't wat to go back to the councelor, and I don't think I would really take action in killing myself but at the rate I'm going, God only knows what I'll do. Thank you in advance

 

-Ciddy

Ciddy,

Welcome to HW and to the Bipolar Forum.

I agree with Serafena, we are not here to diagnose people at all.  If you are sufferening with some type of mood disorder you are gonna need a psychiatrist or someone trained to handle it.  

There is strong evidence linking genetics and mood disorders, I would get that checked out especially if your father has BP. 

Try to find a buddy system, a group of people you can go to when your parents of friends are not available.  Like Serafena said "any responsible adult will try and help you -- a trusted teacher, the counselor, call the help line (I saw someone posted the # for you on Depression). Log onto the forums and we'll talk you through it!"

Hang in there, and keep up updated!

Well done, Ciddy. That was very brave, especially if your parents are being knuckleheads. (My parents were always knuckleheads about it too.) But you did your best. The English teacher is a good choice, especially if you've already got a good relationship with her.

And may I just say, I am a (former) English teacher, and you have excellent writing skills. I almost didn't believe you were 14 because you write so well. It warms the cockles of my heart to know you like your English teacher. Awww. Sigh. (Okay, I'm done now...)

Today hasn't gone well; I told my English teacher about everything, and she wants me to go back to the councilor and is going to call my mom tommorow after school. After that, I don;t know what happened, maybe it was the stress of telling them (I didn't tell her everything, just things I was comfortable with at the moment) or just the thought of going back to the councilor, but I got a huge migrane in church. Eventually I got so sick to my stomach I threw up again. My friend found out and told my teacher, who of course sent me to the nurse, which was a huge mistake, and everything just spilt out...

-Ciddy

Ciddy, I am a mother of a teen with BP. And no, none of this is easy…but my dear, you took the brave step to start talking...DON"T STOP NOW...let the adults help lead you to proper help, and then keep talking until you’re heard. Today was a GREAT step towards that. You should be very proud of yourself!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Wellness is yours to be had if you allow the right people to help you and you recognize you have nothing to fear or feel shame about. Your only way out is to keep sharing the truth about how you feel, and get educated about whatever you are dealing with. This is not your fault. But now you can get the help you so rightly deserve. You’re in my thoughts. LFW

This past week has been absolutely terrible; The nightmares have gotten so much worse that I'm afraid to g to sleep. They were usually about people "losing faith" in me and people I love turning against me. Today, after school, I fell asleep on the couch and had a dream that I was burned at the stake because I was a "witch." And there were others about me being assaulted, by a young man in his 20s and a very muscular female. But that wasn't the worst part....

I'm not sure how to explain it, but when I tried to wake, I couldn't. I was alert, but I couldn't move. I managed to open my eyes a little, and you could never imagine what I saw. I had literally seen Death (or the Grim Reaper). I was TERRIFIED; I thought I was dead.

Well, anyway, reality hasn't been that great either. Because of everything going on, I guess you can say my grades haven't been up to par. I'm practically failing Science and that basically adds wood to the fire. I pulled my friend aside at the begining of 4th period to let some anger out. Unfortunetly I said some things I didn't mean and my Literature teacher overheard. She pulled me out of class and demanded me to tell her what was wrong. I started having a panic attack, the worst one yet, and asked her if I could go to the bathroom and calm down. She refused to let me do anything until I told her. She was completely uncompassionate, and, thanks to my English teacher, she knows all about my condition.

Apparently, they discuss the things I tell them with each other, after I had asked my English teacher to promise me she would't tell my Literature teacher. But of course, I can't trust anyone, now can I? The Literature teacher thinks it's my grades that are making me feel this way (it isn't, but it's just adding more stress) She told my English teacher this, and they acted like I had wasted there time.

They're also having an intervention with me tommorow...They're bringing in the counselor, my mother, the two teachers, and the principal to get to the root of the problem.

I'm basically on edge and afraid I'm going to do something stupid. There's no way out of this and I have no idea what to do. I had an episode last night where I could have possibly harmed myself, but I didn't. I couldn't do it at home. I don't want to sound like a crybaby but I just have no idea what to do. Do you guys have any advice?

-Ciddy

All I want to know is what's wrong with me and how to get better. I don't want to feel this way anymore. Maybe I am just letting it get the best of me; I've never been this irrational. Maybe I just need to take a few days to myself and recuperate...

-Ciddy

It was a better day; uneventful really. I'm still exhausted. I'm having trouble getting to sleep, as tired as I am. I didn't take my nap today either. I better have some warm milk or something...

Tommorow I'm just planning on sleeping for a while, so I don't know when I'll reply.

-Ciddy

Hello all,

Suprisingly, I've been able to sleep, and I've been doing that alot lately. I'll be off to school in about 20 minutes, and I couldn't say this with more exasperation; TGIF. All I'm planning on doing when I get home is sleeping. Hopefully I can get away with it in study hall and morning care too. I quit one of my after school activites so now I can just go home and recuperate; I think thats the best thing I can do for myself right now.

My English teacher gives me these looks of sadness when ever I'm in the hallway, and when I look at her, she turns away from me. I haven't really talken to her alot this week. Ask for my other teacher, she's going about it as if nothing happened; That is really getting on my nerves.

Any panic attacks recently? Only on and it was on Monday. I was in a pretty good mood yesterday, but I'm feeling kinda down today. Hopefully the day will be better then expected...

I'll reply when I get home,
-Ciddy

Nothing really; I just slept alot, but I did help my mother plan her Halloween party. Tommorow is Monday, so I have to go back to the real world. I'll keep in touch

-Ciddy

Oh, forgot to add this; I had another nightmare last night. My friend(who's been going through depression for about a year now) and I were in a fast food/ carnival. The fast food place was kind of like Arbys, but it was like $30.00 for a sandwitch. There was also a ride that had you lay in a coffin, with bones on top of you and you have to be real queit and still. Mine, however, required a mask to wear. I asked the man running the ride why we had to be so quiet and he said "oh...you'll see why..." Then, a man came in with a butcher knife and murdered everyone, complaining the food was too expensive.

Then the dream got better; I was in heaven, and all my friends were there. We were all finally happy.

I have no idea if this means anything but I figured I'd include it

-Ciddy

I'm sorry it's taken me so long to reply. So much has happened over the past week that I can't even begin to explain. I'll try to explain this the best way I can right now.

Last Thursday was a tough day; I had it out with my mother in the early morning. And I know I probably won't be able to post this so I'll explain it the best way I can. Around 4th period I realized exactly what I had done to myself, and I was TERRIFIED. I went up to my reading teacher and told her "I feel funny, I think I need to go to the nurse." Oh, and get this, she started LAUGHING at me, "Oh you always feel funny." she said. I told her if I didn't go to the nurse something bad would happen, and after about 25 minutes she let me go.

The school nurse(who I'm close with)the other school counselor, my mother, my English and reading teacher all found out what I did, and they spent about 20 minutes lecturing me to something I considered to be an accident (in a way, it was) I went to the hospital and everything's fine, so there's nothing to worry about. However, I almost got admitted. Yes, admitted, for a possible 3 days or more. My mother managed to get me out of it.

Here's the best part; when I got out of the hospital I was just really glad to be alive. There were no depressive thoughts or feelings of self harm at all. The last 4 days 6 days have acually went very well. However, today was report card day...because of my mental state right now I had asked my mother to not show me my report card, because I would probably snap at that moment. We agreed that I wouldn't be punished since I was feeling better and promised to do better. When they handed out our report cards, I didn't look at mine of course. about 5 minutes later, I asked to go to the bathroom. My reading teacher (who is also my homeroom teacher) said "Why?! Is it your report card???" and I said, " I just have to go to the bathroom...I haven't even looked at it yet..." So when I come back I asked her another question(I think it was about homework)and she says, "Why didn't yoou look at your report card?" and I'm like, "Because I don't want to see it." What happens next completely sent me over the edge.

She DEMANDS, yes, thats right, demands to let her see my report card so she could read it to me. I told her numerous time I didn't want to hear it, but she eventually forced me too. There, she read me my grades, that of course were not very good at all. I got very angry and told her I didn't want to see them. "You would have to see it eventually" she says "Then you'll know the areas you have to imporve on" So I say, "You know the mental state that I'm in and you chose to do something that would make me snap" and I walked away

I realize the grades are my fault alone; I am completely aware of that so please don't bother lecturing me. But what she did to me was vain and cold hearted, especially afterr my attempt last Thrusday. How stupid do you have to be?

-Ciddy (I'll be up most of the night so I'll comment back very quickly)

Ciddy - Unfortunately every adult you have contacted has failed you. Keep trying. Are there any other adults you could go to? Maybe a neighbor or one of your friends mom or dad. Or maybe a friend OF your mothers/fathers....someone your parents may listen to? Or ANY OTHER TEACHER at your school - even if you don't know them. Go to the principals office. Or call your pediatrician.

If not go to the white or yellow pages and look in the different colored pages in the front. You should be able to locate help in the form of suicide hotlines, centers for women, help for teen agers, etc.

And if all else fails, call Child Protective Services on your own behalf. You must get help.

Plaease continue to keep us posted.
I wish the best to you.