Now, I'm confused.

is it okay... to give up?

Because I want to...

And I don't mean I want to die...

I'm just sick of it all...

I'm sick of pretending like I like my mother, because I don't. I'm sick of pushing people that I care about away, because in the end I'm hurting myself, more than them. I'm sick of pretending I'm happy when all I want to do is cry, everyday. I'm not happy and I don't wanna be happy. I'm so use to being sad I just wanna be sad, do I have to pretend?

I don't know how to keep my friends around... They mean the world to me... with out them I wouldn't be strong enough to pretend as much and as long as I can and do... but my friends have breaking points and most of them are sick of my random freak outs or tired of wondering when the next time I'm going to try and push them away is... or when I'm going to call them crying for hours.

I wish I was tweleve again, those were some of my happiest days... I mean sure I got beat almost everyday by my mom with a frying pan or a broom stick but I was happy than because I didn't know I was Bipolar I had never told anyone about my abuse with my mom just with my dad and I never had to see him... and my biggest problem back than was that I had fallen off my bike or lost my favorite Nsync CD...

back than my mom was a secret... the hurt was a secret and I didn't have to deal with it... I didn't know it really existed... I thought I was just being punished... and I was use to it... I was use to being beat...

honestly, I just want it all to end. I want to be happy but I don't want to try... so I'd rather be sad... and Now I'm confused.

????

bringmebackhome,

I'm so sorry you're walking around with this huge bag of sorrow. It's a heavy bag. I would do anything to take the bag off your shoulders for a day and let you just be a teenager, but I just can't. It is exhausting having all this sadness all the time, having this unpredictable illness, having no dependable adults to help you out. That's just crap. All I can offer you is an ear and a virtual (((hug))). Both of which are here in plenty. Be well and take care of yourself. The way out of your situation is to grow up smarter and better and go to college and move out.

serafena

Wow, you have had alot to deal with in your life.  It's amazing that you are able to do as well as you do with what has happened to you in the past.  There are alot of people here who are willing to listen. 

=] thank you Georgie Girl and warped_reality

it means alot to me knowing that i can come on here and talk to people about whats going on and have them respond and care,

=]

thanks for the hugs warped_reality there always welcome,

-Michelle