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Posted 5/23/2008 6:27 PM (GMT 0)
Hey.  Today I just want to be alone.  But my parents think that they have to see my baby every single day!!  There are days that I just cannot take being around my dad, especially when I am battling this disorder.  When I am in the throes of it, I don't want to be around ANYONE!  I have explained that to my mom and she understands and she has talked to my dad about it.  But he is just so ugggg.  My husband says that I need to set boundaries and I have tried.  Maybe not hard enough - I don't want to upset anyone but my dad is like a spoiled rotten 5 year old.  If you say something, he gets tore up about it and pouts and sulls for days and won't speak to you until YOU say you are sorry.  It is utterly ridiculous.  I can't take the pressure.  It stresses me out and makes me feel worse.  It is a trigger for me.  I know I have to take care of myself especially right now being pregnant.  I guess I just need to quit feeling guilty and stand up for myself.  They don't have to see her everyday.  And on the weekends my husband justs wants it to be the three of us since he works during the week.  The weekend is his time with our baby and me.  But they have to see her at least one of those days.  He gets upset about it.  I have to be careful talking to my mom too because she gets hurt sometimes too by what I say.  This is so totally frustrating and getting to me so bad.

Missflip

Posted 5/23/2008 7:09 PM (GMT 0)
Hi Missflip,

Co-dependancy comes to mind when I read your post.

Your husband is right. YOU need to set the boundaries.

Nothing grips ahold of you unless YOU let it.

You stated perfectly what you desire in your post and everything sounds very reasonable. Quit thinking about what your parents are feeling and starting thinking about what you want.

I agree with your husband. He works all week and looks forward to spending the weekend alone with his wife and child alone. You can't let your parents consume your life and happiness. They need to find new things to fill their lives with and you can't responsible for that.

I'm just saying that you really need to set the boundaries and start speaking up for yourself. It doesn't have to be harsh....just a matter of fact of this is how it is.

If you can, I strongly suggest you read the book: Codependent No More by Melody Beattie. This book was a lifesaver for me.

Best wishes.

Posted 5/23/2008 7:17 PM (GMT 0)
Sukay is right, Missflip. It's really hard to enforce your own desires when your parents are pulling such childish tactics on you, but you are a grownup too and get to set your own rules too. They're "big kids" and will get over a little disappointment. Give them a set schedule they can look forward to and try to stick to it as much as possible. If you don't want to include weekends, don't. Or maybe every other weekend, or some such thing.

serafena
Posted 5/23/2008 8:47 PM (GMT 0)
Hi, it can be rough trying to set boundaries with your parents and not wanting to hurt their feelings but also trying to do what you need to for you and your family. And sukay and serafena are right. You do need to talk to them. One thing you might say is something like, I know how much you want to see the baby but we really need time for ouselves as a family unit. we are not taking her or ourselves away from you. but we need the time to be by ourselves sometimes. and if they really want to see the baby on the weekend, maybe they could take her for a few hours while you and dh go out on a date. that may make them happy to have the baby all to themselves for a while. you have to see what would work for you and your husband. And I hate to say it but if your dad acts like a spoiled 5 year old then you may have to talk to him like one. for example "this doesn't mean we don't love you or want you out of our lives...." and don't apologize to him for taking the time that YOU need. It may be hard knowing that he is upset with you and not talking to you for days, but once he realizes that you aren't going to apologize, he will come around and maybe even apologize to you. Let us know how things go.
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