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and here comes the depression again

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Bipolar Disorder
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Posted 8/10/2008 8:15 PM (GMT 0)
Crashing hard at the moment. I didn't realize how manic I was til the depression started to hit me. I was hardly sleeping before, now I'm hardly awake. I'm not interested in doing anything, etc. I'm not that bad, but worried about it hitting me even harder as the days go by. I have a pdoc appt in I think 2 weeks so I have to just wait it out I guess. My pdoc does nothing over the phone, you have to be seen in person, and I only have a ride 2 days a week and they're booked up solid. I can't be on the cancellation list because I don't have a ride at the drop of a hat and like I said I'm kind of stuck when it comes to certain days.

I've been having relationship issues lately. Decided to focus all of my energy in therapy on the relationship because we were drifting farther and farther apart. I've been sick a lot, he's working and going to school full time so we haven't had much time to invest in our relationship. This really affected me more than I thought and through therapy I've discovered I kind of "checked out" of the relationship months ago because I no longer felt connected. Anyway I finally figured out how to open up to my boyfriend and he's really been making an effort and so have I. It just feels weird that you have to make an effort. Our relationship never seemed like a "chore" before, not that it feels that way now, but when you have to think about doing something it just feels weird. I know relationships take work though so I'm doing my best. I just thought all these things would be natural. Now that I'm in this funk though all I want to do is sleep. Today we had half the day to spend together and what did I do? I slept through the whole time he was here. sad   I feel horrible about it. I love him so much and desperately want this to work. I don't know what I'd do without him in my life and I don't want to find out. He's the most stable thing in my life. We never fight...it's going on 3 years...things just always seemed perfect til all the stress added up in my life, being sick, and then all the hours he's putting in when it comes to work and school. The worst part is he's doing this for US. Not just him. So instead of resenting his schooling and working I should be appreciating it. This has definitely been affecting my bipolar symptoms. I know I have more issues, but I'm hoping once this gets straightened out it will take a huge weight off of my shoulders.

So that's me in a nutshell at the moment. I'm just terrified that I'll have to call crisis services again, twice in one week seems bad. I called earlier in the week because of the psychosis like symptoms and now I'm crashing hard and when I do I really hit rock bottom and often have to call them for help if I can't see my pdoc.

Just need some support. sad

Posted 8/10/2008 11:45 PM (GMT 0)
Closure-

I can only speak from a significant other's point of view...I know that my bp fiance sometimes wonders whether he'll ever be "enough" for me and the only thoughts I have in response to that are "I hope every day you'll remain well enough for us to live the kind of life I now know as 'normal'". I love him with all my heart.

I don't know what kind of relationship you have built with your significant other, but I know that we do everything we can (when he is "well") to protect what we have fought for together. I also know the guilt my fiance experiences as a result of his illness and I tell him all the time that it is not his fault. His guilt also takes its toll on me. Again, speaking from a spouse's point of view, I feel comfort when he tells me "baby, I know we're going through a lot, but it'll be ok." Whether he believes it or not...it can be a lot of weight to bear to be the person who is propelling the relationship forward the majority of the time. I know I can't tell you to do those things, but relationships need both people...and when one isn't well, both members of the team are down and the other will do what he/she needs to do to get by. It sounds like your sig other is throwing himself into his work as a way to cope. I know that my fiance has given me hell at times for the long hours that I pull b/c my job is 1) demanding, but 2) also keeps us afloat when he is unable to work due to his illness..3) and allows me to escape.

If resources allow...I encourage you to seek out therapy TOGETHER. This has been a relationship saver for us. We work out things that we're not able to one on one w/ an objective person whom we both trust.

I know how stressors affect your illness. I am so sorry your sig other is not completely understanding of this. Sacrifice is essential in any relationship (I'm not trying to talk down to you, so please don't take it in that way). I have had to sacrifice some of my needs (non-essential) in order to make an attempt to eliminate a lot of the stressors that I know can trigger my fiance's illness.

Relationships are hard enough, I know. We cry together, laugh together, support one another (believe me, he has been my rock many times). When you are well enough, maybe you both need to revisit a dialogue that addresses both your needs. Sometimes it just feels better to air out what you're both feeling.

Hang in there. You are not alone. If you have to call crisis services, do it. That is what they are there for. When you are depressed, anything feels like a chore. A relationship takes work. Getting out of bed when you are depressed takes work. Please do not give up hope. Please don't take offense at anything I've said. As you know, there's a learning curve with this illness. I'm just trying to work it out with everyone else :)
Posted 8/10/2008 11:57 PM (GMT 0)
thank you so much for replying Diskus. I appreciate your point of view too. my boyfriend is very supportive. always reassuring. like your fiance I experience a lot of guilt. we've been talking a lot lately which has helped so much, but then today when I slept through our afternoon the guilt came back and I feel horrible...still. I just don't know what to do with myself at the moment. my depression is getting worse with every hour. I just yelled at my sickly father when he called a little bit ago. his illness has put a lot of stress on me and my boyfriend. another reason we haven't had much time together is my boyfriend has picked up the slack that my other family members have left. he takes my dad anywhere he needs to go and yes I know my father's sick, but I'm starting to feel like he's taking advantage or at least not understanding that he needs to stick to our schedule and quit making extra trips to places. our schedule/agreement is that my boyfriend will drive my father around on his days off from work. he only has 2 hours between work and school so it's really hard for him to do things during that time. I'm not including travel time in that 2 hours...which can be 15-20 min from school to home or my father's house. I tell my father about this every week, he says he understands and will do things on my boyfriend's days off, but then last min he'll request a ride somewhere and expects my boyfriend to run at the drop of a hat.

sorry getting carried away. there's just too much going on. my illnesses, my dad illnesses, my boyfriends school and work, the guilt I have for being sick, the guilt I have for my boyfriend being my father's unpaid taxi, and lack of family support.
Posted 8/11/2008 12:15 AM (GMT 0)
All I can say is that it is not your fault. Your illness is not your fault. I hope that this discussion board has made up for a little bit for the lack of family support you have.
Posted 8/11/2008 2:43 AM (GMT 0)
thank you again for the support. your fiance is so lucky to have you. I know I'm lucky to have my boyfriend. I think a lot of my insecurities come from my past relationships where guys have typically ran as fast as they can in the other direction when things got bad or they learned about my illness. it's been almost 3 years for us and he hasn't gone anywhere and he's pretty much seen it all now. like I said before he's very reassuring and my insecurities have gotten a little better over time. it's just when you're in a depressive state it's hard to be reasonable even when you're told the opposite of what you're thinking.

I just wish I could get some control over this illness. I've been dealing with it for most of my life, but it got real bad around 2001. So I've been pretty seriously mentally ill for almost 7 years now and sometimes I think I'm better than when I started my treatment journey and sometimes I think I'm the same if not worse which is very disappointing. I realize this isn't a condition that's just going to go away, but I thought I'd at least have it at a controllable level by now. *sigh*
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