Nightmare

My husband and I have been on/off for 4 years and recently married in August.  We had a wonderful summer and I didn't see the behavior that I had in the past-i.e.verbal abuse, threatening/following through to call the relationship off, impulsive behavior.  He said that he regretted what he had done.

So we married.  At the end of September it's been walking on eggshells for me.  Every little thing sets him off, and I will sit on the couch listening to him call me the worst names and I say nothing.  I will say nothing because if I do it makes him more angry and I don't want our kids (his kids/my kids-none together) to hear.

This past Tuesday he packed all his and his girls things and moved.  I asked him to wait until this weekend when none of the kids would be here and not in the middle of a school week.  He said "i'm not staying here another night".  I couldn't believe it.  Who does something like this???

He told his oldest daughter (who happened to be sick with mono) over the phone that he and I were getting divorced.  She was devestated and called her mom.  She (ex-wife) called him and told him to get a lawyer because she thinks there is something mentally wrong with him to do this to the girls.

She (ex-wife) stopped over at my house yesterday to pick up a few things her girls have left behind.  She told me that his mother is bipolar and she thinks he is, too.  He never told me that, but at least his reactions/behavior makes some sense.

I haven't spoken to him since Tuesday, but it's always his MO to think and regret and come back.

My questions:  This has been such a nightmare that I don't know if it's worth staying no matter how much I love him and his girls.  Is it significantly better when someone with BP is taking meds?

Also, who does one broach the subject when they suspect someone has BP?

I'm sorry if this post is disjointed.  I have no idea what to do.

Thanks for any help.

Hi NewWife08,

Welcome to HealingWell and to the bipolar board. You are in a similar place to several other spouses on this board, so I'm sure you will find some support here.

Georgie Girl is right. Bipolar is much more livable when treated with medication and therapy, BUT it is a chronic disorder. It doesn't go away. The moodiness will always be there and the medicine won't stop all of the mood swings. What it does do is tone down some of the severity of the swings. It's far less likely your husband will inexplicably walk out if he's on meds.

But before you get to that, you have to convince him to see a psychiatrist. This depends on whether or not you decide to take him back, of course, and no one would blame you if you didn't. But if you want to, and if he comes back and you reconcile, wait for a calm moment to tell him you think he may be experiencing a mood disorder of some kind (you don't have to specify bipolar disorder unless you want to). Explain he's got very unpredictable moods and how they impact you, him and the kids. Ask him to see a psychiatrist. Do all this very gently -- don't get angry or sound victimized. That will just set him off. Try to show you've got his best interests at heart.

I hope this is helpful, and please chime right in if you have any other questions. We're always glad to help. And if you have any input, we'll take that too.

serafena

First off, thank you all for replying.  I have no idea what to do or what to expect, but you all have given me great insight and support.  Ironically, I had to explain to a few of my friends at school (I'm in nursing school) and I was surprised to hear how common this disorder is.  I only talked to 4 people and one is diagnosed with BP, one has a fiance with BP, and one has a mother with BP and a myriad of other things.  Why don't people talk about this disorder more given the commonality??  Maybe there would be no stigma attached to it if people knew that it's an illness-and maybe my husband would get help.  :(

I haven't talked to him since last week, which I hate since it leaves me in this suspension of unpredictability.

However, his ex-wife is a wonderful person and I got to see his girls this Sunday when they came over to get their things.  I talked to his ex privately and asked her if it was ok to get the girls together.  She said she had no problem with that if she has the girls (my husband won't let the girls come over or see my girls-in fact she said not to mention their coming over to him if I spoke to him.  She said it wasn't worth the fight.)

Who is this person that I married?  Is/will there be any retrospect or remorse on his part-enough to get help?

But I blame myself, too.  Maybe if I knew there were triggers/maybe if I didn't love him like I do/maybe I pushed him.  I feel responsible for the pain that is inflicted on the kids.

Sorry guys.  Just feeling so helpless.